In this cold world
No matter where I go
The crowds are all the same

To them I'm just
A pebble in the sand
A face without a name

Nobody gives a hang
For what I say or do
But you
And in the shelter of your arms
I find peace and comfort and care
For I am wanted there

In this cold world
You struggle to survive
And sometimes you can fall

You'd think someone
Would lend a helping hand
They'd sooner see you crawl

But just when life itself
Seems more than I can bear
You're there
And in the shelter of your arms
I find strength and safety and then
I rise and start again

Just give me one good reason
To go on living
To keep on trying
For what, I ask you for what
If not for you
And all your love
To see me through

But just when life itself
Seems more than I can bear
You're there
And in the shelter of your arms
I find strength and safety and then
I rise and start again
 

Captain Nathan Bridger returned to his quarters onboard the new seaQuest, in the early hours of the morning. He was almost out on his feet but far too tense to sleep. With a sigh he made his way over to the holo-imager and slipped his favourite photograph into the slot, waiting in anticipation as the figure materialised in front of him. "Hi, Baby…" he said with sadness in his voice as he knew she wouldn't respond.

He moved to his bunk and stretched out, too tired to even undress; never taking his eyes off the woman, "God, I miss you. I need you, Baby… I need you so badly." He lay back and threw his right arm across his eyes.

It seemed as though seaQuest had spent most of the last couple of months on military alert. The fragile peace beginning to show minute cracks which had escalated, until it was leaking like a sieve. There were border skirmishes – some minor, some more serious – and suddenly the submarine had become a front-line, tactical vessel, sent in to neutralise the trouble spots, culminating today in the sinking of another boat. Had anyone been killed? He didn't know… But if they had then he had given the order. These were people whose lives he had chosen to end. Not strictly true he thought… His crew had been in danger and it was his job to ensure their safety and he had, in the only way open to him. But it still didn't make it any easier to live with.

When he'd returned to captain seaQuest this hadn't been what he'd come back for. He'd wanted to be at sea again… to explore and chart new territory. To be fair he had known the U.E.O was a peacekeeping force but this wasn't his idea of keeping the peace… God, he was tired…

He tried to think back to the last time he'd been home for leave – it seemed like forever since he'd held her in his arms… He looked again at the shimmering image and unconsciously held out a hand towards her, wanting to feel her warmth; hear her whisper words of comfort to him as she had the last time he'd seen her. He closed his eyes to the pain and loneliness that coursed through him and allowed the memories to engulf him once more…

<< The last few weeks had been hell but finally General Thomas had allowed the seaQuest some well-earned, shore leave. The crew were exhausted, depressed and very, very tense. Being constantly on alert had taken its toll on all of them, even the normally unflappable Jonathan Ford. Sleep had been scarce and tempers were frayed - his included.

They'd docked in the early hours of the morning: Nathan looked at his watch – 3:30am… When they'd disembarked there had been few people to meet them and so they'd all made their way home – alone.  Thank God Lucas hadn't been aboard… When the alerts had first started Nathan had made sure he'd been transferred to a place of safety. The young man had protested but Jonathan had talked to him and whatever he'd said seemed to have worked. He left solemnly, making Bridger promise to take care of himself.

Wearily he hoisted his duffel bag to his shoulder and made his way to the reception area, wondering how on Earth he was going to make it home on his own. As he entered the building he saw a lone figure curled up on one of the long, hard seats and a tidal wave of emotion flooded through him.

Nathan took a moment to study her… She was dressed in her usual attire: white t-shirt, jeans, a long cardigan and trainers. Her hair framing her face… God she looked so carefree when she slept. Reaching down he stroked her cheek gently. His breath caught as she opened her beautiful eyes and an incredible smile lit her face when she saw him. "Hello, Sailor."

"Hi, Baby." He helped her to her feet and then said, "You shouldn't have come Kris… but I'm so glad you did."

Bridger pulled her into his arms, clinging to her tightly; breathing in her scent and allowing it to wash over him, easing his aching body. After a few long moments Kristin moved away slightly to look up at him, seeing his obvious distress.

"Nathan? Are you alright?"

He didn't answer her question, instead he said, "Hold me Baby. Hold me tight and don't let go."

Concern flooded through her and she pulled him close again, stroking her hands up and down his back to offer what comfort she could. Finally he lowered his lips to hers and captured them in an almost desperate, kiss. She could hear the exhaustion in his voice as he said, "Let's go home."

They drove back to the house in silence but when they arrived he couldn't settle. He didn't want to eat, couldn't sleep, and so he'd persuaded Kristin to get some rest while he'd walked along the beach, trying to calm his over-tense body.

When she awoke a few hours later his side of the bed was still empty and she threw on a robe and went in search of him, finding him sitting on the sand and staring out to sea. Kneeling down behind him she placed her hands on his shoulders. Nathan took them in his own, slid them down his chest and held them close, leaning back into her embrace.

"Kris… Can you get a few days off? I need to go back to my island and I'd like to have you with me." It sounded almost like a plea.

"Give me a few minutes to make some calls and pack a few things."

As she stood he held on tightly to one of her hands. "Thank you, Baby."

It was early evening when they arrived and he quickly opened up the house and checked that everything was as he had left it, started the generator and organised the water so that they could have coffee. He still hadn't said very much and although Kristin was becoming more and more concerned, she thought it better to leave it to Nathan to decide if and when he would talk to her.

They had a light supper, which he only picked at, and then he said he was going for a long walk.

"May I come, or would you rather go on your own?"

Suddenly he grabbed her and pulled her close, "I don't want to be alone Kris."

"Okay."

They walked out of the door and onto the beach, his arm around her, holding her to his side.

Almost an hour later Nathan stopped abruptly and sat down, pulling her down with him. "I'm so tired Kris… When I rejoined seaQuest I was naïve enough to believe that my fighting days were over. That I wouldn't have to return to conflict and war… I wouldn't have to kill again… God, I don't want to kill anymore…" He was silent for a moment and then, "But it's going to happen Kris, I know it. There'll come a time, very soon, when I won't be able to talk my way out of a situation, or when my crew will be in danger and then…" He shook his head as if to ward off the painful thoughts.

Kristin searched her mind for the right thing to say to help him, but it was difficult to know how to respond.

"Nathan, you're a man of peace – you know that… but you're also Military and it's the Military's job to protect everything they hold dear. That's why you're there – not to kill, to protect."

"Is there a difference Kristin? I don't know anymore. I just don't know."

"Let me ask you something. Have you ever fired first, in anger or as a means to an end?"

"During the war I…"

"No," she interrupted, "that's not what I meant. That was a lifetime ago – you were a different person then. I mean during the last couple of years since you've been back."

"No."

"Would you?"

"Maybe if…"

"Without provocation? Or for gain?"

"No." He said emphatically.

"Then there's your difference."

Nathan didn't reply, still not completely convinced.

"The people out there who are carrying out these raids are only doing it for self-profit. They want what someone else has, be it property or land, and they'll stop at nothing to get it. They take lives for the sake of it and more importantly, they enjoy it. They enjoy it Nathan and that's what sets you apart from them."

She could see that she had his undivided attention now.

"I've seen some of their victims, women and children… defenceless people, with no means to fight back: The men broken, distraught because they couldn't protect their families. What you do is give them hope… Hope that one day, they'll be able to reclaim their lives or at least start over under the safety and protection of the U.E.O. You fight to safeguard their right to live and work."

"But what if in the process I take away another life to do it? What about their right to live? How can you justify that? God Kris, you hate everything military – you always have."

"I don't hate you…"

"Kris, I…"

She silenced him with a shake of her head. "I know how hard it is to take a life and to live with it. When my daughter was small someone broke into our house. Cyndi and I came home early and surprised him. There were no neighbours and nowhere to run and I had to protect her. My 'then-husband' had a gun, which he kept in a drawer in the study. I told Cynthia to go and hide and then I went to fetch it. I just wanted to scare him away but I heard my daughter scream and I knew I was the only one who could help her…

"They were in my bedroom and he had a knife to her throat… When Cyndi saw me she tried to get away and the knife grazed her skin. I could see the blood trickling down and she was crying. Suddenly she bit him and he loosened his hold… The next thing I knew the gun had gone off and he was on the floor. I didn't even remember pulling the trigger. I killed him Nathan." There were tears in her eyes as she spoke.

"I was distraught but the police pointed out that if I hadn't done what I did, Cynthia would probably be dead. I protected her because I had to. I was her mother and if she couldn't rely on me then whom could she rely on? She was totally defenceless. I was her only protection just as you and the others of the U.E.O are the only protection those homesteaders and families have. You do what you have to do.

"The renegades who attack them know that they're laying their lives on the line. They go into it fully aware that they could die and they accept it – just as you have to, or you'll tear yourself apart."

"Would you do it again Kris?"

"Yes, if I had to. And then I'd have to find a way to live with it. I know it's hard Nathan… Sometimes I still see him in my dreams. Hear his voice… But then I remember the terror on Cynthia's face and I know that if I hadn't done what I did I could never have lived with myself and she would never have had a chance at life.

"It will always be hard for you Nathan because that's the kind of person you are, but you're not a killer, my love. You have a conscience and there lies another difference. But you do have a decision to make… If and when it gets too hard and I think you're close to that point now, you have to choose to walk away from it… Because if you don't it'll consume you and that's when you become no better than them." She closed her eyes as a mind-numbing tiredness claimed her.

"What would I do without you? Where would I be? I love you… Oh how I love you." Nathan pulled her to him and rested his forehead against hers. He stroked his fingers down her cheek and across her lips. "Are you tired, Baby?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Too tired?" He asked; his voice a combination of concern and need.

Kristin looked into his eyes, seeing the desire there. "I'm never too tired for you."

"Kris…" His lips captured hers in a long and tender kiss as he held her to him. "God I need you." He breathed.

His hands slid up inside her t-shirt needing to feel the warmth of her skin, and he drew it over her head, kissing his way along her shoulders and down her body, "Thank you Baby. Thank you…" No further words were necessary as hands, lips and bodies expressed everything they needed to say.

It was very late when they made their way back to the house hand-in-hand, making love twice more before falling into a much-needed sleep.

They woke at midday and had a leisurely meal before spending the rest of the afternoon lounging around on the beach. Late into the evening Nathan seemed to be withdrawing into himself again. Kristin ran her hands over his shoulders feeling the tension returning and seeing the shadow in his eyes.  He took her hand in his and kissed the palm, "I'm okay Baby… I'm okay." She noticed that he didn't relinquish his hold on her.

"I tell you what, why don't you have a nice warm bath and then I'll give you a back rub?"

"Sounds like just what the doctor ordered, Doctor." A faint smile appeared on his lips.

"You'd better believe it."

An hour later he was lying on his stomach on the bed as Kristin straddled him, massaging his arms, back and legs, working out the knots. Slowly she turned him onto his back and concentrated on his front, not missing a spot in her effort to calm him. Nathan opened his eyes and studied her closely, ~ God Baby, do you have any idea how much I love you? You're my night and day… You're the sun, the moon; the stars… I love you so. ~

Kristin's gaze locked with his and their lips joined in a passionate kiss. Nathan pulled away a moment and whispered, "Please make the world go away Kris… If only for a little while…"

And she had, oh God, she had… >>

Bridger opened his eyes again and stared at the stark ceiling of his quarters. "I need you Kristin… I need you…" He turned his face into the pillow and cried.

He was awoken sometime later by the sound of the alert klaxons. With a superhuman effort he pushed himself up from his bunk and wiped the tears from his eyes.

"Captain to the bridge." O'Neill's voice rang out.

Nathan reached over to turn off the imager, "Later Sweetheart." He touched his fingers to his lips and placed them where Kristin's would have been.

When the clam-doors opened his captain's persona was fully in place. "What do you have for me Commander?"

"General Thomas for you Sir."

"Yes General…" he said as Thomas' face appeared on screen. "What can we do for you today?"

"I want you to proceed to Almeira Island. There's a Research Facility there, which was taken over by terrorists two days ago. You're ordered to use the firepower of seaQuest to level it."

"What about the people?" Bridger asked defiantly.

Thomas paused for a moment. "All personnel have been evacuated and the terrorists neutralised. It's believed that the place has been booby-trapped. You have your orders Captain."

"Aye Sir." His annoyance was obvious in his voice.

Approximately six hours after their mission had been carried out they received a secure transmission from Secretary-General Noyce. "Nathan, I wanted to make sure you were alright."

"Why shouldn't I be, Bill?"

Noyce wasn't certain if there was any sarcasm in the comment or not, Bridger was becoming very hard to read lately, even for him. "I know that you don't like having to terminate people's lives Nathan. I just wanted…"

Bridger interrupted. "Terminate? What the hell do you mean?"

"The terrorists on Almeira, of course. Who did you think I meant?"

Nathan sank down into his seat, "What terrorists, Bill?" he asked softly.

Noyce looked confused and Jonathan Ford stepped in. "We were told that the Facility was unoccupied, Mr. Secretary."

"Thomas must have thought it was for the best."

"You mean he knew damn well I wouldn't carry out the orders if I knew there were people inside."

"They were only terrorists, Sir." Piccolo interjected but Nathan saw something else in his friend's eyes.

"What is it you're not telling me?"

Knowing that he would find out sometime Bill replied, "I'm sorry Nathan. There were six hostages as well… The scientist in charge of the station and five others."

"Who?"

"Does it matter?"

"Of course it bloody well matters! You've just told me that I murdered six innocent people and then you say they don't matter! Did they have families?" He sounded distraught.

"I don't know Nathan, it's not your concern. General Thomas is taking full responsibility." Before he could respond the Secretary-General terminated the link.

Without a word Nathan Bridger stood and left the bridge to return to his quarters.

Slamming the door shut he threw himself down on his bunk. "God, no… no…" He beat his fist against the bulkhead, not caring how much damage he did. He wanted to feel the pain… Needed to feel it…

There was a knock on the door and then he heard Wendy Smith's voice. "Nathan, please let me in. I heard what happened. You need to talk about it…"

"Go to hell!"

"You can't keep it all inside… You have to let it out."

"Damn it Doctor, I just killed six innocent people, what the hell do you want me to say. Get the hell away from me… That's an order!"

He sat in the dark for hours; the shock and grief of what he'd done welling up inside him until it was too much to bear. He was growing more and more agitated; his heart was thumping in his chest, his pulse racing; he felt sick to his stomach and suddenly his head ached like the devil. ~ God, he needed help and he needed it now… Kristin… She'd know how to make it better, she always knew how… ~

Using the secure link that Lucas had set up for him, he put a call through to her home first and then his, with no result. He was getting desperate – the pressure building inside him until he thought his head would explode… Finally he contacted the Research Facility at NCQ where she worked.

"I'm sorry Sir but Doctor Westphalen isn't here."

He was holding onto the desk to support himself now. "When will she be back?"

"She won't Sir. She was transferred last week to the facility on Almeira Island. She's head of research there… Sir, are you all right? Captain…?"