Nathan took his change from the driver and eased his way out of the cab. Standing by the kerb he stared at the house on the other side of the road, a feeling of apprehension growing inside him until he felt uncertain of what he should do. It had taken him almost a month to summon the courage to do this and he had gotten further today than he ever had before. He'd been past the place so many times, either in a cab or on foot, always meaning to go over and ring the bell but never quite being able to actually do it.

He was afraid. Deep inside he was scared of what her reaction would be. Oh, he didn't expect her to welcome him with open arms – not after almost four years… four very lonely years, but how would she greet him? Did she hate him? He could understand it if she did and couldn't really blame her. Would she be surprised?  Probably... Would she be happy? Maybe…

He knew that he could cope with all these responses, but what if she just didn't care? That would be the hardest to bear – her indifference. Once more he began to question the wisdom of his decision. He considered just leaving again but he couldn't. He wanted to see her, needed to… If only to make peace with her and through her, with himself. He couldn't live with the guilt any longer. Taking a few deep breaths he tried to calm himself but it was no use, just the thought of seeing her again…

Turning away, he walked down onto the beach and sat on the steps to think, slowly shaking his head to clear it. Let's face it, if she slammed the door in his face and told him to go to hell, he deserved it. If the situation had been reversed he doubted that he could forgive her, so why should she forgive him? She'd tried to fit in with his life, he knew that. Sacrificing so much to be with
him and yet he still wanted more. He snorted derisively, he'd wanted it all and when he almost had it, he'd tossed it away.

He hadn't been looking for love but somehow he'd found it anyway. The friendship they'd shared on seaQuest had deepened until, without realising it, she had become a part of his life – a part he didn't want to lose. He'd lost people he loved before and it hurt, it hurt more than he'd ever believed possible. He'd vowed that this time he would get it right… He'd spend more time with her than he had with Carol, pay more attention to her wants and needs. He'd missed so much with his family and he was determined not to make the same mistakes again.

He was working on the new seaQuest at the time and Lucas was helping him, so it had been a natural progression for them to share his house. He'd cleared it with Lawrence Wolenczak and it almost felt like he had a family again. When Kristin had agreed to move in with them, his happiness had seemed complete.

The first couple of months had been terrific. They laughed and played together as a family unit and the nights were filled with a combination of intense passion and almost perfect peace. He couldn't believe how much he loved her, couldn't seem to get enough of her… Then, overnight, things had changed forever. He knew that it was his fault, he was overreacting to what had turned out to be a storm in a teacup…

He'd spent the afternoon on the beach with Lucas and when he'd looked at his watch he'd realised that Kristin was late, very late. Making his way back into the house he called her office only to be told that she'd left over an hour ago. Nathan had been gripped by panic – she should have been home by now. Lucas had tried to reassure him but in his heart he knew that there was something wrong. An hour later he had been proven correct, when they received a call from NCQ General to say that Kristinhad been involved in a car accident.

He'd never been so scared in his life, fairly running through the emergency department to be greeted by one of Kristin's colleagues. "She's all right, Captain. Just a little banged up, that's all."

"What the hell happened?"

"From what she can remember she lost concentration for a moment, the car skidded and hit a tree. She was lucky, Nathan. Damn lucky."

"Christ." He brushed his hand across his forehead. "Can we see her?"

"Of course."

The doctor had been the soul of truth. She was pretty badly bruised and obviously shaken but she was okay. She'd apologised for scaring him and he'd told her that it was all right as long as she was  – but it wasn't all right…

He'd wake up in the night breathing heavily, his forehead beaded with perspiration, his heart trying to hammer its way out of his chest and he'd reach out to touch her, just to make sure that she was safe. Memories of losing Carol began to haunt him and he knew that if anything ever happened to Kristin it would be the end of him. So, unconsciously, he had begun to withdraw from her. It was an act of self-preservation but it hurt her terribly.

He started to spend more and more of his evenings working late and coming home too tired to do anything but sleep, not opening his eyes again until she'd left for work. He wanted her… God, he wanted her, sometimes it was all he could think about but he held back, unwilling to risk falling to deeply. The remote chance that he could lose her, paralysing him with fear.

The weekends were more difficult to cope with. Being so close to her all day. Smelling her perfume, hearing her laughter… Sometimes it was too much and he'd give in to his need, making love to her passionately, almost desperately. And then he'd lie awake for hours watching the rise and fall of her chest as she slept - The feeling of impending doom, never far from the surface.

She knew that he was holding back, he could feel the hurt emanating from her. She'd questioned him about it several times but he'd been evasive… Putting it down to fatigue and problems at work. He knew that he was lying, she knew that he was lying, but the words were never spoken aloud. Gradually she had begun to withdraw as he had. He was driving her away, he knew that, but he just couldn't conquer his fears no matter how hard he tried.

He'd decided that it would be better if he spent his weekends with Lucas whenever possible, using the excuse that he wanted to make up for the boy's father's shortcomings. He could see the doubt on her face and her once sparkling, eyes had taken on a sadness that he couldn't bear to look at, and so he spent more and more time away. If he couldn't see how deeply this was
affecting her then it wasn't happening. ~ God he'd been so cruel. ~ He admitted that now.

He remembered coming home from a sailing trip with Lucas, they'd returned early due to the weather. He'd found her curled up, fully-clothed, on the bed. Looking at her beautiful, beautiful face he knew that she'd cried herself to sleep and reached out to brush away a tear from her cheek, feeling a pain so strong in his chest that it took his breath away. He'd made love to her that night, holding nothing back, losing himself in her completely and falling into a deep sleep with her cradled in his arms. Praying that this time he might have beaten the demons that haunted him.

Waking several hours later, he'd reached for her, but found himself alone. The irrational panic had gripped him once more and his hands hadn't stopped shaking until he'd found her sitting on the beach and staring out at the ocean. She hadn't turned when he approached but he could see her back stiffen slightly, one word escaping her lips. "Why?"

"Kris, I… I'm… I'm not up to a serious conversation at this time of day, let's go back to bed and we'll talk tomorrow."

He didn't know it at the time but he'd broken her heart that night.

She hadn't been there when he awoke the next morning, just a note on the pillow saying that she had some things to do in town before work and she'd probably be late home, so not to wait dinner. His first reaction had been one of disappointment but then relief set in when he realised that they wouldn't have to have 'the talk.' He wouldn't have to try to explain that loving her was tearing him apart.

Nathan continued to watch the waves as they lapped up onto the sand and in a sudden moment of clarity he recognised exactly what he had done. In protecting himself from an imaginary pain, he had inflicted a very real one onto her. He could see her face in his mind, the anguish in her eyes as she'd told him she'd leased an apartment in town. Somewhere she could stay when she
was working late to save her driving back when she was tired, or when he was away.

His heart and soul had screamed in agony, knowing that it was the beginning of the end for them. He wanted to beg her to stay - he'd do anything… anything. But a part of him, the fear-ridden part, had whispered to him that it was a good idea, it would give him some space to sort himself out. Time to think… Time to decide… And so he'd merely said that if that was what she wanted, and watched as the expression in her eyes changed from uncertainty to shock and finally defeat. She'd reached up and stroked his cheek whispering, "I love you Nathan Bridger. I will always love you." Then turned on her heels and walked out of the door, out of his life.

He'd watched discretely through the curtain as her pace quickened until she ran to her car, slipping in behind the wheel and reaching up to brush away the tears that spilled from her eyes. "I love you too, Kristin… More than you'll ever know. God protect you and keep you safe."

He reached up and wiped the moisture from his eyes, wondering just how long he'd been sitting there but not bothering to check his watch. Of course, they'd seen each other again… In the first couple of months it had been two or three times a week, sometimes more. But the pain they caused each other just got too much and their meetings dwindled away. Both were hurting badly but it had to be worse for Kristin – she had absolutely no idea why he'd behaved as he had and in the end, she couldn't bear to be in his company anymore. So close, but so far apart.

He'd heard that she was seeing someone else and in his heart he'd wished her well, but his soul cried out for her. He wanted her, he needed her; he loved her so much… He ached for her. Sometimes he'd awakened in the night after a vivid dream and reached for her. He could feel her caresses on his skin as she made love to him… God, he could still taste her…

It was on nights like that he'd want to go to her - tell her everything. Tell her that he was scared he'd lose her. That she'd die just like everyone else he'd ever loved. Beg her to make it right, to take away his fear and pain. He'd even gone so far as to dial her number late into the night, adjusting the setting to audio only so that she wouldn't have to witness his distress. He'd wait for her to answer but when she spoke his breath would catch, and his insides would turn somersaults. Then the old fears would resurface and he would hang up, roll onto his side and grab her pillow, hugging it tightly as he cried himself back to sleep.

His relationship with Lucas had suffered as well. The boy had been angry and upset when he'd found out that Kristin had left. He'd asked Bridger the same question she had. "Why?"

But Nathan couldn't or wouldn't explain it to him. He knew that he would sound irrational, could even see it from the boy's point of view… He was afraid he'd lose her, so he'd driven her away. How could he explain to a teenager that the two things were different? Were they different…? Either way he'd ended up alone.

He'd thought that the ache in his heart would fade with time if she was merely gone and not dead but it hadn't. It was with him constantly. He felt it most keenly at night, lying in bed alone and unable to sleep. Or, when something happened on seaQuest… something amusing or a new discovery they'd made. Several times he'd found himself reaching out to call her and then reality would come crashing down on him – the enormity of what he'd done. But still he believed it had been the right thing, up until a few months ago.

With a sigh he stood and brushed the sand from his jeans. He'd never been guilty of cowardice in the face of the enemy, far from it. And now he knew what he had to do. He took a few steps up the beach and then stopped. Never been a coward? Oh yes he had, and in the worst possible way – a way that had hurt someone he never should have hurt.  Sighing again, he made his way across the road and up to the house, hesitating before ringing the bell, once again plagued with uncertainty. Maybe he should just let it be?

The decision was taken out of his hands when the door in front of him opened suddenly causing him to jump and take a step backwards. He looked up into the shocked face of a man he guessed to be about ten years younger than himself.

"Can I help you?"

Nathan stammered. "I'm… I'm…"

The younger man smiled having recovered his composure before Nathan. "I'm sorry if I startled you."

"Erm… that's okay. My fault." He half-heartedly returned the smile. "I was told that Doctor Kristin Westphalen lived here, I guess I was mistaken."

"No, you're at the right place. Krissie does live here but she's not home at the moment."

"Oh okay." What courage he had mustered was gradually deserting him.

"I'm sure she won't be long. Would you like to come in and wait?"

"No." His reply came out a little too sharply and he softened his tone. "Just tell her…" A commotion from inside the house interrupted whatever he'd been about to say and his expression changed to one of shock as a little girl with familiar red hair ran into view.

"Mama, mama…" She looked up at Nathan in surprise and put her hands on her hips in a very recognisable gesture. "You're not Mama."

"No Sweetie, I'm afraid not."

She turned to the other man and tugged his hand to get his attention. "Papa, when's Mama coming home?"

"Soon Sweetheart… Now how about greeting our visitor properly?"

The little girl looked up at Bridger contritely. "I'm sorry. My name's Emma, what's yours?"

"It's nice to meet you Emma." Nathan smiled, studiously avoiding giving his name. This was one eventuality that he hadn't allowed for. It had never occurred to him that Kristin might be married, with a family. "Look, I'm sorry… I'm only in town for a few days and I thought I'd look Kristin up – she's an old friend. Sorry to have bothered you." He turned and walked quickly back down to the beach leaving two very confused people in his wake.

Emma tugged her father's hand again. "I know who he is."

Settling himself on the steps once more he contemplated his next move. The whole family thing had thrown him for a loop – he just hadn't anticipated it. What had he expected? That she'd spend the rest of her life alone and pining for him? He shook his head dejectedly. ~ No, that was his province. He'd engineered it that way. ~ Across the road lay all the things that he could have had if only he'd had the strength of will to seize the moment. He had no idea how long he sat there this time around either, but he suddenly shivered as a chill breeze swept up the beach – time to leave.

He stood wearily and made his way up to the road yet again, glancing over as a car pulled up outside the house and a woman he'd know anywhere, stepped out. He gasped aloud.

She made her way up the path and opened the front door to be greeted by the little girl. Nathan couldn't hear what was said but he could get the gist from the way Emma hugged Kristin's legs and she bent down to kiss her. The man appeared in the doorway and she kissed him too. There was a brief exchange and then he watched in horror as Emma pointed towards him.

He wanted to run, to hide… This was a very big mistake - he knew that now. She was happy, she was loved… Who the hell was he to suddenly come back into her life and spoil it all? He tried to move away but found that he couldn't, he was rooted to the spot as she turned to face him.

An unreadable look crossed her features and then he saw her smile and read his name on her lips. As she walked towards him the sun glinted in her hair, picking out the highlights. His heart leapt ~ God, she was so beautiful… more beautiful even than he remembered. ~

She stopped in front of him and looked him up and down, noting the unusual pallor of his skin, the fact that he had lost weight and that he seemed out of sorts, kind of lost. "Nathan Bridger."

The sound of his name in that soft, sensuous accent sent shivers down his spine. "Hello Kris."

His arms automatically reached for her and after a moment's hesitation she slipped into them and gave him a friendly hug, breaking away again almost immediately. "How are you? What are you doing here?"

"I'm fine and I came to see you."

"Really?"

He wasn't sure if she was questioning the first or the second part of his answer, he already knew he looked rough. But he also knew that he had to talk to her… If he didn't do it now he never would. "Can we talk?"

"Of course." She indicated the house with her hand but Nathan shook his head no.

"Alone?"

"Oh, okay."

Kristin led him down onto the beach and along the sand to an area sheltered from the wind. She could tell that something was wrong and although things between them had ended badly, she hated to see him so unhappy.

They sat together in silence until Kristin finally broke it. "What is it, Nathan? What did you want to talk to me about?"

"I… I came here to make it right, or at least to try to."

"Make what right?"

"Us… Me… I'm not sure anymore…"

"Nathan, it's been almost four years, why now?"

"Three years, seven months, six days…." He tailed off. "Four years of hell."

"How so?"

"Kristin, I know this is all too late but I wanted to tell you that I was wrong."

"About what?"

"About you… about us… I loved you Kristin, I loved you so much… and it scared the hell out of me."

"Why?"

"Because I was afraid of losing you."

"Nathan, I…"

"Do you remember the day that you had the car accident?"

"Of course. You mean that, that…?"

"Yes." He closed his eyes as he remembered that night.

"Nathan, I wasn't hurt. Well, not really."

"I know. But in those few minutes between the phone call and seeing you at the hospital, I went to hell and back. I'd lost everyone I'd ever loved and it made me realise how easily I could lose you too. I wouldn't have survived it Kris, I couldn't…" He faltered. "The nightmares were driving me crazy and I just pulled back."

"You should have told me."

"I couldn't. I tried… You have no idea how many times I tried."

"Why didn't you ever speak?" She whispered.

"When?" His voice betrayed his confusion.

"All those times you called me in the middle of the night."

"You knew it was me?"

"Yes. I'd lie there sometimes just waiting for the phone to ring… Hoping and praying that this time you'd speak to me, but you never did."

"I'm sorry Baby, it was just too hard. I'd hear you say hello and I just couldn't make a sound. The ache inside me was too great – it took my breath away."

"What did you want to say?"

"Does it matter now?"

"Yes, it matters very much." She confirmed.

"That I was sorry… That I was wrong… That I loved you more than life itself… I wanted to ask you to forgive me. To come back and make me whole again… But I couldn't."

"Then, why now?" It was her turn to sound confused.

"You know that I left seaQuest after the second tour?"

She nodded.

"I went back to NCQ and the house, but nothing was the same. Then I went to the island but it was too lonely, too much time to think… So I travelled around for a while."

"Lucas?"

"He stayed with the boat. Nothing was ever quite the same between us after you left. I know that he blamed me for what happened but I also knew that if I tried to explain, he wouldn't understand."

She could hear the regret in his voice. "And then?"

"I had a call from Bill Noyce. He tracked me down for a special assignment. Anyway, it all went horribly wrong and I got myself shot."

Kristin drew in a sharp breath.

"Bill managed to get me out of enemy territory and back to NCQ. I spent a couple of months in the UEO hospital waiting for my body to decide whether it wanted to live or die. I really didn't care one way or the other. There was nothing left for me. In the end it appeared I was going to live and I spent another month completely immobilised to give me a chance to heal. It also gave me a lot of time to think…"

He continued to stare at the water, not seeing the tears in Kristin's eyes.

"I'd made so many mistakes, most of which I could do nothing about. But you… You were the worst of all and I vowed that if I ever managed to walk out of there, I'd find you and try to put it right."

Finally, he turned towards her. In the half-light he could see that she had her hand over her mouth, her eyes bright with unshed tears. "Kristin, forgive me, please?"

"Oh Nathan, I forgave you a long time ago. I was hurt and angry at first but when I had time to think about it, I understood. Those calls in the night… You may not have said anything, but they told me all I needed to know… That you were hurting as much as I was. I wanted so desperately to come back to you. To take you in my arms and chase all your demons away but I knew I couldn't. You had to do that for yourself."

"I'm not sure that I have, but I know now that there are more important things in life. Before he died Bill tried to tell me…"

Kristin grabbed his arm and sobbed. "Bill?"

"Oh God Kris, you didn't know? It was his heart. He'd been having trouble for some time and he blamed himself for what happened to me. It was too much for him."

"Janet?" She whispered when she could speak.

"She's gone to stay with her daughter and son-in-law."

"God, I wish I'd known. I'm so sorry Nathan, I know how close you two were." She took his hand and held it and her touch acted like a catalyst, unlocking all of his pent-up emotions.

"There's no one left Kris. I have no one left."

Kristin reached out and pulled him into her arms, holding him tightly as he wept on her shoulder.

Eventually, he pulled back and gave her a half-smile. "Thank you. I needed that."

"I know."

"You always knew how to make it better."

"When you'd let me."

"Yes." He took her hand in his. "My God, you're freezing."

"Am I? I hadn't noticed."

They looked around, surprised that it had grown almost dark and the light now illuminating them came from the moon and not the sun. Nathan stood and pulled her to her feet. "Thank you Kris. Thank you for listening."

She squeezed the hand that she still held. "It's okay."

"I should let you go back inside, they'll be wondering where you are."

"Mmm hmm… What will you do now?"

He looked lost again. "I'm not sure. I'm going back to the house tomorrow, to see what's what. I'll probably put the place up for sale. I don't think I could live there again, not on my own – too many memories… Too many reminders of what I've thrown away." He noticed that Kristin looked upset. "Don't worry about me Kristin. I'll be okay."

"Nathan, maybe…"

"Shh… Don't say anymore. Just smile for me… I want to remember you that way. I always loved your smile."

Kristin fought back the tears that were threatening to fall and gave him the sunniest smile she could manage, under the circumstances. He traced her lips with his fingers.

"God, I love you… Be happy Kristin, Emma's a beautiful child." He turned and walked away from her, disappearing into the now dark night.
 
 

**** The End ****