Author: Nancy
Disclaimer: JAG and characters do not belong to me. This is purely
for entertainment
Classification: PG
Category: H/M humor (I hope)
Summary: Harm and Mac tie the knot in a very unexpected way. I hope
you enjoy this. It's just for fun. I posted this sometime last year
and have
been asked to repost it. This occurs before Mac moves her ring from
her
right hand to her left. Yep Mic and Renee are still around.
PART 2
1100
Sleepy Hollow Cafe
A marriage license!
"Wa Wait a minute! You you can't do this. This is against the Navy's regs," I stutter. My communication skills are shot to hell.
"Son, just sign the paper. You'll thank me later," he says almost benevolently. He sweeps his arms around the room,"Besides, we have a whole room full of witnesses that will swear it was your idea." The shotgun poking in my ribs reminds me of my choices. I look at Mac in a panic.
Suddenly she begins to think this is not so funny, "Ah, sheriff could I talk to Harm in private?"
He nods and maintains an eye on me as we step just out of earshot.
"Harm, this can't be legal. There is a three day waiting period between applying for a marriage license and the actual ceremony. Besides you have to have a birth certificate. Maybe we should just sign the license and leave town. We can clear up the discrepancy when we get back home. Let's just go along with this and get out of here," she sounds logical, but a little voice in my head is screaming 'sucker!'
"Ok, I just want to get Deputy Barney over here to keep his gun away from my ribs," I agree somewhat hesitantly.
Mac smiles at the sheriff, and we walk over to the table. Mac takes the pen and signs her name and hands the pen to me. I can't seem to make my hand work, but I am immediately assisted by Deputy Barney and his trusty shotgun.
I take a deep breath thinking now we get out of here.
"Harm, you don't mind if I call you Harm?" yea, like I've got a choice. "By the way, I wish you wouldn't refer to this pretty little gal as Mac. She has a beautiful name, Sarah. My wife's third cousin's name is Sarah."
I just nod.
"Speaking of cousins, this is my cousin Brother Billy Burnett. He's the pastor of the First Baptist Church here in Smithfield. He's agreed to perform the ceremony. Normally he counsels the couple before he marries them. But I explained the situation, and he agrees this is, shall we say, an exception," The sheriff has his thumbs in his pockets and is presiding over this circus just like a ringmaster.
Brother Billy steps up and shakes our hands and wipes his sweaty face with a handkerchief. "I would take this over to the church, but today the ladies are having a bazaar. The sheriff assured me that you would agree that the cafe would be alright." The ladies could sell tickets to this ceremony and make enough money to rebuild the church.
"Why not? The cafe is just perfect, just perfect," I say with clinched teeth. Mac looks at me and mouths 'suck it up'.
Brother Billy reaches into a pocket and pulls out a small book, adjusts his glasses and begins the ceremony. "If you two will stand next to each other. The purpose of marriage is to join together.." he pauses and laughs nervously "I guess that part's already been done." I cut Mac, I mean Sarah, a look, and she suppresses another smile.
"This man and this woman in holy matrimony. Harm would you repeat after me, I Harmon Rabb take Sarah McKenzie to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer till death do us part." He looks up at me expectantly.
My mouth goes dry, and I feel myself freeze. I hear the sheriff clear his throat and notice Lou Ann dabbing at tears on her face. Finally I clear my throat, "I Harmon Rabb Jr. take Sarah McKenzie to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer till death do us part," I said this without taking a breath.
"Sarah, repeat after me, I Sarah McKenzie take Harmon Rabb Jr. to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer till death do us part." There is a pause and I hear her take a deep breath.
"I Sarah take Harmon Rabb Jr. to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer till death do us part," she says very slowly.
"Harm, you may place the ring on her finger and repeat after me."
Lou Ann interrupts "Why they don't have rings. You can't get married without rings." I start to agree when she pulls a plain golden wedding band off her skinny finger and hands it to me, "My Harold's been dead and cold in the ground for over 15 years, come to think of it he wasn't that warm when he was alive. I don't need it anymore." She signs and smiles. Then she looks over to an unkempt man sitting at the cafe counter, "Wilroy give me your wedding band."
He looks astonished "But I'm still married!"
Lou Ann frowns and shakes her head, "You know good and well, your wife is fixing to kick your sorry butt out of the house. Just hand it over." Wilroy pulls the ring off and reluctantly hands it over to Lou Ann.
Lou Ann proudly hands Mac the ring. Brother Billy clears his throat, "Harm place the ring on Sarah's left ring finger and repeat after me, "With this ring I thee wed, it will be a symbol of my love."
I start to place the ring on Mac's finger; it is too small and will not slide on. I push and push, but it won't budge. Deputy Barney nudges me again with his shotgun, and I force the ring on her finger "Oww!"
"Sarah place the ring on Harm's left ring finger and repeat after me, "With this ring I thee wed, it will be a symbol of my love."
"With this ring I thee wed, it will be a symbol of my love." She attempts to slide the ring on my finger only to find that it is also too small. She looks in my eyes and give me a 'Semper Fi' look and forces it on. I restrain from expressing the pain it created.
Brother Billy looks around the room "Is there anyone who feels this couple should not be married. If so, they should speak now or forever hold their piece."
I start to open my mouth when the sheriff grunts and gives the rest of the room a threatening glare.
"Harm, do you promise to love and cherish Sarah all the days of your life, say I do"
I realize that no one is going to save us, and I am not dreaming, "I do."
"Sarah, do you promise to love and obey Harm all the days of your life, say I do."
I see a fire in her eyes as she hears the words obey, she opens her mouth to object when I give her a pleading look that says, 'Let's just get this over with'. "I do."
"With the power vested in me I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride," Brother Billy grins seeming quite pleased with himself.
I look over at Mac, and she somewhat reluctantly leans towards me. I place my hands on her arms and give her a quick kiss on the lips.
"You can do better than that," the sheriff chides.
I pull her closer and give her a 'no holding back' kiss that surprises both of us. Our wedding party seems quite pleased and applauds. Sarah is speechless as I push her towards the door.
I hear Lou Ann as we head for the motel; "Don't you want some of Miss Millie's 'Better than Sex'cake? It can be your wedding cake."
We head for our rooms in haste to gather our belongings and check out. Mac calls the Marine base in Virginia to confirm that Sergeant McCoy is now currently a Marine stationed at that facility. We will be able to meet with him first thing in the morning and can head back to JAG headquarters in time for lunch.
I meet Mac in the motel office only to find Betty the receptionist chattering away. She goes on and on about romance and marriage, ours in particular. Unable to listen anymore as my patience was totally depleted, "I have a suggestion, why don't you offer a wedding special. Weddings, whether you want one or not, comes with room and an artery-clogging, gravy smothered, fried chicken dinner. Mrs. Rabb, are you coming?" I slap the room key on the desk and storm out.
Betty's eyes fly open and her mouth finally closes in shock.
Mac smiles sweetly "Don't mind him, he's just upset that we can't spend our honeymoon here, coming darling."
Upon exiting the motel office, I run directly into my favorite sheriff. He still has that same self-righteous grin on his face and holds up a large envelope. "I don't want you leaving town without this."
He drops the envelope into my hands "You and the missus have a safe trip, and ya'll come back now, ya here."
I can't get into the car quickly enough, and as soon as Mac closes her door I peel out.
We drive in silence for several hours. I finally feel the tension begin to leave as we cross the stateline. "Mac, what's in the envelope?"
She opens it, pulls out a document, and studies it intently.
"Well?"
"Harm...its our marriage certificate. And it looks...legal." she almost whispers and avoids making eye contact as I almost lose control of the car.
"Mac, you said there is no way this could be legal."
"Remember the county clerk we met the first day we arrived. Her name is Reba Smithfield. She is the sheriff's sister, I think. She signed and dated it, and it has an official seal."
"We were set up."
We remain speechless for another hour.
"Harm, we could get it annulled." Mac breaks the silence.
"What is the Admiral going to say," I reply softly. Images of the admiral race through my mind.
"No one has to know. We'll just file for the annulment secretly," she says a little too matter of factly.
"Harm," she sounds a distressed. I look towards her. She is tugging at the ring, I had placed on her finger just hours ago. "It won't come off, it's stuck!"
This is just getting better and better. I prop my knee against the steering wheel to guide the car while I pull at the ring on my finger. This can't be happening. My fingers were swollen from chopping wood the night at the cabin, and the ring was not moving.
Mac sees me copying her, attempting to remove the ring that remains in place with a vengeance.
Suddenly, she begins to giggle. The giggle turns into out right laughter. Her laughter becomes contagious as I begin to see how unbelievable this whole situation had become. I start to laugh until tears begin to run down my face. I pull over afraid of losing control over the car, and we sit and laugh together until we are exhausted.
The rest of the evening driving to the Marine base was spent recalling the night at the cabin. I pulled over again in spasms of laughter as Mac shared her conversation on the phone with Mic, and I the one with Renee. My side was hurting talking about our wedding ceremony, especially the rings."
As we pulled into town near the base, "Since this is our honeymoon, why don't we eat somewhere really special."
Mac pipes in, "Yea, burgers or pizza."
"Pizza.. and after that, we'll ask for the honeymoon suite at the BBQ on base."
"You are so romantic," she smirks.
"I aim to please," I toss back.
Friday 1200
JAG HQ
The best way to describe our entrance into the JAG bullpen would be somewhere between the last scene in "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" and Custer's last stand. Our plan was to quietly walk into HQ without anyone noticing the tell tell evidence on our hands.
But it's amazing how destiny just takes over.
As Mac and I enter the bullpen area, a very pregnant Harriet carrying too many files runs right into Mac. Files flew everywhere, and Harriet's gasp of frustration could be heard throughout the room.
Quickly Mac and I attempt to help Harriet gather the files before more attention could be directed towards us. Mistake............. Harriet's sonar vision immediately picks up on the matching golden bands that held fast to our left ring fingers.
"Oh, Oh, I can't believe this." Her face lites up like a Christmas tree. Everything went into slow motion. Needless to say, Harriet was not whispering when she announced her discovery, and everyone who had been in an office immediately came into the bullpen to investigate the commotion. Bud and the Admiral just knew Harriet had gone into labor.
I look towards my office as a place to take cover when I see Renee accompanied by Mic walking towards Mac and I with big smiles plastered across their faces.
"The Commander and the Colonel are married," Harriet practically screamed.
Out of the corner of my eye, I watch Renee's and Mic's faces change from smiling to shock to anger within seconds. I look to Mac for support, and she is just as shell-shocked as I. I hear the Admiral's voice bellow across the room "Rabb, McKenzie in my office nooow!"
Obeying the order, mostly because it was the only hideout available, we walk directly to the office passing a mixture of facial expressions from sheer delight to confusion to the death wish glares of Renee and Mic. As we reach Tiner's desk, he is holding a phone up to me "Commander, your mother is on the line." I can hear the crying and a voice repeating "I'm so happy!"
"Take a message and tell her I call back tonight." I can't believe this.
We stand stiffly at attention in the Admiral's office waiting for the firing squad to finish us off. The Admiral remains uncomfortably silent for several minutes or hours, time lost all meaning. In a low very controlled voice he begins, "Would someone please explain how I could send two officers on a simple investigation, the they return MARRIED?"
I swallow hard, hoping Mac would take the lead, but she did what any defendant would do in this situation and pled the fifth. The Admiral walks up to me and stares in expectation.
I swallow again, "Sir, I don't think you would believe me..."
"Try me."
"Well, Sir, we were having difficulty locating Sargent McCoy. He lives out of this town made up mostly of Smithfields. The Smithfields don't like the McCoys. The sheriff is a Smithfield, and the county clerk is a Smithfield, and everyone else is related to the Smithfields except the McCoys. The sheriff agreed to show us the general direction where McCoy lived. Our car became stuck in the mud on the road to the house, so the Colonel and I walked to the house. But they run a moonshine business, and thought we were after them so they disappeared. It started raining, really hard. We took refuge in a cabin. Our phones didn't work. We found some blankets to wrap up in until our clothes dried and spent the night in the cabin. But on my word of honor nothing happened." I know I must sound like I have been on drugs.
"Commander, this is the most asinine (and it was) excuse I have ever heard. And what does all this have to do with the marriage?"
"I getting to that Sir. The sheriff thought we ran into trouble with the McCoys and decided to look for us. He kind of found us... Our clothes were drying on the floor, and it looked...but nothing happened, Sir. The sheriff is a little old fashioned and decided that we should be married because of the appearance of everything."
"Commander, you and the Colonel are known for being strong willed and stubborn. I find this hard to believe that you would get married at the suggestion of a sheriff unless you planned to do so. You both know that this goes against Navy regs."
"Well, Sir, there was this shotgun.."
His face suddenly changed to a strange shade of red. He coughed and turned away and stood silently trembling.
Without turning around, he said with difficulty,"Dismissed." As we retreated from the office he added, "File the report and you are dismissed for the rest of the day until I decide what to do."
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