Author: Nancy
Disclaimer: JAG and characters do not belong to me. This is purely
for entertainment
Classification: PG
Category: H/M humor (I hope)
Summary: Harm and Mac tie the knot in a very unexpected way. I hope
you enjoy this. It's just for fun. I posted this sometime last year
and have
been asked to repost it. This occurs before Mac moves her ring from
her
right hand to her left. Yep Mic and Renee are still around.
PART 1
1600
Smithfield County
Northern Smokey Mountains
One thing you can say about the Smokies in the fall is they are beautiful.
"Mac, I think we have arrived in Mayberry."
"Ok city boy, don't make fun of small towns, I lived in one for awhile. They can be very charming."
"Well, I hope its true what they say. That everyone knows everyone else's business, and we can find that Marine. How can a Marine that is nominated for a Medal of Honor just disappear?"
"He didn't know he was up for the honor. He served his four years and received his honorable discharge and went home."
"But his forwarding address is 'Route 3', were in the hell is that? From the looks of things it could be the end of a dirt trail."
"What are you worrying about, remember you have a Marine with you."
"Oh yea, I forgot I brought Danielle Boone USMC or better yet, Gomer Pyle's sister to track down this guy."
"Funny, there's the county court house. Perhaps we can check with the Chancery Clerk's office for a better address. Then we can find the sheriff's office for further directions."
The three-story red brick building was the tallest in the small town. The courtyard had a large statue honoring confederate and federal soldiers from the civil war. Locating the county clerk's office was easy. Reba Smithfield introduced herself as the chancery clerk of Smithfield county.
"Jacob McCoy, you mean Bubba McCoy. What kind of trouble did he get into?" she looks over her reading glasses which are propped on her nose.
I smile "Sergeant McCoy has been selected to receive a medal for outstanding conduct."
"The only outstanding thing that sorry bunch of McCoys ever did was to make moonshine," she replied sarcastically.
"Can you give us directions to his home?" Mac interrupted with a smile.
"Yep, Route 3," Reba replied.
"Where in the hel...ah...county would we find Route 3?" my shoulders drop, and I rub my eyes. This is becoming a long day.
"Do I look like the postman?" she looks at me with disdain.
Mac jumps in "We'll just check with the sheriff, thank you so much for you assistance."
The sheriff's office has a sign on the door, 'Gone, be back when I get back'. "Now that is informative," I roll my eyes towards Mac who is finding the 'wild goose hunt' for Sergeant Jacob McCoy AKA Bubba to be amusing. "I guess Andy and Barney are out rounding up moonshiners."
"Harm, you're tired, and I'm hungry. Let's find a place to stay and have dinner."
"I asked about hotels when we stopped for gas earlier. The Sleepy Hollow Motel and Cafe is it. Like I said we are in Mayberry."
The Sleep Hollow Motel consists of about 10 units with each door painted a different color and a swimming pool that was converted to a large gold fish pond. The cafe connects to the office. It seems to be the center for social gatherings of Smithfield. The proprietors are Daniel and Millie Tubbs. Millie was of course a Smithfield. She also serves as cook at the cafe. Mac learned all of this as we checked in from a very chatty receptionist named Betty.
"Ya'll aren't from around here." Betty smacks through her gum. I am amazed at her uncanny observation skills considering Mac and I are in uniform, and there is not military base anywhere near here. "Are you two engaged or married or something?"
Mac suppresses laughter, while I just look at her in disbelief. She is probably the town gossip and reporter.
"We want two separate rooms" I respond slowly without cracking a smile.
She smiles sweetly at Mac and hands us the keys. "My Aunt Millie serves a really mean supper at the cafe. Her fried chicken will make you just die and go to heaven."
Is everyone related in this town? Everyone's a Smithfield. I wonder if they all dislike the McCoys. This situation sounds strangely familiar.
*******
Later that evening
Sleepy Hollow Cafe
We had checked into our rooms and agreed to meet up in 45 minutes in front of the cafe for dinner. I must admit I felt better after a long hot shower, but my calls to the Admiral and Renee quickly dampened my mood. Neither could believe that we were having this much trouble locating the missing Marine.
Mac and I stroll into the busy cafe and find a booth. "You don't look like you are in any better mood," Mac chastises.
"The Admiral wasn't exactly thrilled when I told him it would probably take a few more days to finish this up. And Renee." I stop and just shake my head.
"I know Mic wasn't a happy camper either."
A tall thin waitress approaches our table with two large glasses of ice water. She maintains a steady rhythm of smacking her gum and blowing bubbles. There must be a bubble gum factory somewhere close by. Her name badge is pinned over a folded lacy handkerchief and reads Lou Ann. She pulls a pencil from out of the top of her teased red hair, takes a pad out of her apron pocket and smiles waiting for us to order.
"Do you have a menu?" I ask probably a little impatiently.
She points to a large chalkboard behind the counter. It lists:
Fried Chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy or
Fried Liver with onions smothered in gravy with potatoes
Choice of two vegetables Cornbread
Buttermilk Pie
Iced tea
"Do you have anything that isn't fried or smothered in gravy" I inquire trying not to sound sarcastic.
Lou Ann stares at me with her eyes slightly slanted,"Miss Millie's fried chicken is the best; you'll just die and go to heaven once you've tried it" she smiles trying to convince me.
"I have a lot of unfinished business to complete before I go to heaven, so how about just bringing me a vegetable plate, no gravy, no pie, ice tea."
Mac shakes her head as Lou Ann repeats my order with disdain. "And what for you ma'am," she smiles.
"Oh, I'll certainly try the chicken with mashed potatoes, and you can bring me his piece of pie," Mac orders with enthusiasm. Lou Ann beams.
"Now that girl's got an appetite I can appreciate," a middle aged man in a sheriff's uniform and a belly that suggests he eats all his meals at this cafe walks up to our table. "Sheriff Winston Smithfield," he reaches out to shake our hands. "I understand you were looking for me earlier." Yep, news does travel quickly in a small town.
"Commander Harmon Rabb, Lt. Colonel Sarah McKenzie. We're here from the Judge Advocate General's office looking for a Jacob McCoy." I notice everyone in the cafe is looking our way listening intently to our interchange.
"What kinda trouble is he in."
"None, he's been nominated for the Medal of Honor, and we need to talk with him." Mac explains.
"We need directions to his house."
The sheriff takes a deep breath and frowns in concentration. "That McCoy bunch is rough. I don't know if you should be messing around with them."
"Sir, we have our orders."
"Tomorrow I have to drive over to Centerville and will pass right by the road you turn off. You can follow me. Once you turn off, the road is more or less dirt and goes for miles up in the hills."
We finish our meal and agree to meet the sheriff around 1100.
0800 the next day
Sleepy Hollow Motel
Bang, Bang, Bang
"Ok, Ok I'm coming," sleepily I answer the door. "Mac we could actually sleep late today."
"I thought you might like to take a run. It rained last night and is nice and cool. I brought you some coffee and toast."
"Thanks for the room service. So you had breakfast this morning after the meal you ate last night?"
"Yep, and don't ask what I had."
"I'm sure it was fried with some sort of gravy," I chuckle.
"Actually, they had fried smoked ham with biscuits and red-eye gravy."
I groan,"You're going to look like the sheriff before we leave here." She picks up one of my pillows and throws it at me.
"Lou Ann asked about you," Mac smiles and chuckles, "Where's that picky eater fella you're with. Betty says he's your fiancé?"
I roll my eyes at her; "I don't think the people in this town like me, but they love you."
"Well you know the saying 'When in Rome..."
"Eat the fried chicken."
1130
Somewhere east of town
"The Sheriff was almost right. The road is dirt, mostly mud."
"I hope we don't get stuck...."
"Great, just great"
We get out to determine the damage and realize we are not going anywhere soon. I try my cell phone, but can't pick up a signal. Either we are out of tower range and can't get a signal through these hills.
"The McCoy's place is suppose to be a few miles up this road. Let's just hike it up there."
"Sounds like a plan."
After hiking through the woods for a little over an hour, we come upon a cabin. This must be the place, but it looks deserted. "The sheriff said they were into moonshine making. They must have gotten spooked and cleared out," Mac observed.
"Another false lead... It looks like its going to rain again. We'd better head for the car." I feel frustrated as I hear thunder in the distance.
Rain pours down as we run down through the woods towards where the car was stranded. "There's a cabin over there. Let's stop and take cover before we drown," I yell at Mac.
The cabin is empty except for a few old quilts and some firewood. "Must be a hunting cabin, I don't think whoever will mind if we borrow it for awhile."
"I'll start a fire. You're drenched. Why don't you take off those wet clothes and wrap up in one of those quilts while I go outside and get more firewood."
Mac shivers and sneezes "OK."
I find an axe and chop several arm loads of wood. Puddles of water run from my clothes as I enter the cabin, and find Mac wrapped in a quilt huddled close to the fire.
"Harm, you must be freezing. Strip down and wrap up. That's an order... I promise not to peak," her concern is followed with a smile.
Our clothes are spread so that they will dry, and we sit wrapped in quilts before the orange blaze that warms the room. "I guess we'll have to stay here tonight. That storm doesn't seem to be letting up. And with the car stuck and no phone..."
Ring...
Mac and I look at each other in surprise. The phone is working!
Mac answers her phone "Mic."
"Hello darling, I was just missing you and thought I would call. How was your day in the woods with Rabb."
I see her roll her eyes,"We still haven't found our Marine."
"I was hoping you'd be home tomorrow. I've been missing you." His voice becomes soft and sultry "What are you doing?"
"Well, I'm sitting before a cozy warm fire with a blanket wrapped around me," Mac says softly. I try to act distracted to give her privacy. Mic is such a bozo.
"What do you have on underneath that blanket?" he whispers.
"Mic, I'm really tired tonight, can we put this on hold." Mac seems nervous. I wonder what Mic said.
"Alright, if I were a jealous man I would think you were sitting next to Rabb wrapped up in a blanket with nothing on underneath," he laughs. "Goodnight, I love you."
"Me too, I'll meet you for lunch day after tomorrow. You can pick me up," Mac responds nervously and hangs up.
"One down, one to go," I laugh.
Ring....
"Renee...."
"Harm, I thought about how pretty it must be this time of the year in the mountains. How about I drive over and join you tomorrow night. I can just imagine a mountain cabin with a fireplace and extra large whirlpool bath."
"I don't think you will find a cabin here...with a whirlpool bath that is, besides I don't think you would like the room service." I look over towards Mac, speak softly, and laugh nervously.
"Its ok for Mac though."
"Renee, I'll be back day after tomorrow. We can meet for lunch." I feel smothered.
"Ok I pick you up at the office. Bye"
The rain continues to pour. The warmth of the fire lulls us to sleep.
"Good night, Flyboy"
"Good night, Marine"
We turn our backs towards each other and fall asleep.
0700
In a cabin somewhere in the mountains
I'm cold except for one side of my body that feels warm. I notice my arm on that side is asleep as I roll towards the warmth. Mac is sleeping soundly with her head resting on my arm. The next thing I feel is an annoying poking sensation on my back. I roll towards the sensation and open my eyes only to gaze directly into the frowning face of Sheriff Winston Smithfield and his deputy.
"Been squirrel hunting, son?"
I look around regaining my bearings and realize how this must look. I am curled up against Mac with our clothes spread all around us. Mac is peacefully sleeping. "Ah...this isn't what you think." As I reach around to grab my clothes that have dried during the night. I nudge Mac "Wake up, Mac,"
She only mummurs "Not now, I still sleepy."
"Mac, wake..up..now!" I repeat louder this time.
She rolls over and rubs her eyes, looks around and smiles nervously "Oh, hi."
The Sheriff only raises an eyebrow while his deputy's mouth is drooped open catching flies.
I wrap the quilt tighter around my waist and start putting on my shirt. I walk towards the door so I can finish dressing outside. The sheriff and deputy follow. The sheriff suddenly reminds me of my junior high principal the day I was caught trying to skip school with several friends.
"I can explain, our car got stuck in the mud, so we decided to hike up to the McCoy's...but they weren't there...it started to rain..really hard...so we found this cabin..we were soaked...Mac gets sick easily when she gets cold..nothing happened...did I tell you our phones didn't work?" I am fumbling with my clothes as I finish dressing. About that time my cell phone rings..
His eyebrow goes up again; he reminds me of a pit bull dog. I answer the phone and quickly tell the person on the other end I will call them back. "Wrong number." I chuckle nervously.
"Son, do I look like I was born yesterday. You can't tell me you were up here all night with that beautiful woman and nothing happened. My grandmother would have taken a switch to me, and I wouldn't have been able to sit for a week for telling a fib like that," he replies sarcastically.
He goes on "Betty from the motel called me this morning to let me know you two didn't come back to the motel last night. She was worried. I thought maybe you had a run in with some of those McCoys...I guess that's not the kinda trouble you ran into... Burt and I found your car and called a tow truck."
"We only discovered the phones were working late last night. It was too dark to expect someone to come after us, and we were perfectly safe." I begin to feel more confident. I have faced terrorists, the Admiral and enemy MIGs.
"I'm not so sure that pretty little gal in there was so safe." He grunts.
Mac joins us outside the cabin. She looks at me then the sheriff and smiles nervously. We hike silently to the Sheriff's four wheel drive SUV and drive back to town. I'm an adult. I am an officer in the U.S. Navy for goodness sake. Why do I feel like a teenager who got caught parking?
Mac is not helping matters. She occasionally begins to nervously giggle, until I give her a look that could kill.
Our car is parked in front of the motel, and the sheriff lets us out. "I have some information on Bubba McCoy. You two better clean up, and I'll meet you in the cafe in an hour." He peals out. Images of him calling my mother to tell on me float across my mind.
An hour later I meet Mac outside our rooms to walk to the cafe.
"Harm, lighten up. Nothing happened," she observes my dark mood.
"Mac, I can just hear this guy calling the Admiral about our unprofessional behavior."
"You're just embarrassed that we were caught."
I open the door to the cafe and respond, "Yes I am!"
"You're embarrassed that you were caught with me." Mac says rather loudly. The cafe crowd suddenly becomes quiet and all eyes are on me.
"That's not what I meant, and you know it!" I whisper curtly.
She marches towards a booth and sits down avoiding making eye contact with me. She is really ticked off. Where did this come from?
The sheriff strolls over towards our table and looks us up and down. "I found out that Jacob Bubba McCoy decided to reenlist in the Marines. I understand he left two days ago to go to Virginia."
"I guess that finishes up our business here." I am still distracted by Mac's anger. I start to get up...
He places his hand on my shoulder and pushes me back into my seat,"One more thing, around here when you take advantage of a lady like that...you make things right, if you know what I mean." The sheriff is looking at me straight in the eye. His voice is dead serious.
I can't believe this. "Make things right? What are you talking about? Nothing happened." I start to stand again. This time his deputy directs his shotgun at me.
"I don't think the sheriff's through talking with you mister." He drawls and readjusts the chewing tobacco in his mouth.
I slide down into the booth and look at Mac who has her eyes covered with her hand and it trembling with quiet laughter. I know she must feel the look I am giving her.
"Mac would you PLEASE explain what didn't happen last night." I say each word carefully with much restraint.
She finally regains her composure as she wipes away tears of laughter from her eyes, "Really sheriff, what Harm said is exactly what happened."
Lou Ann and the rest of the customers in the cafe were in total awe of the drama that was unwinding before them. Seeing the tears, Lou Ann decides to intervene, "Awe Honey, don't let him bully you that way. The sheriff's just trying to help. You never know what you'll be faced with in nine months," she places a consoling arm around Mac and looks at me like I just insulted Miss Millie's fried chicken.
Mac tries to suppress her laughter sounding more like she is hysterically sobbing than laughing. Deputy Burt pushes the point of his shotgun deeper into my ribs. I am definitely dying here.
Sheriff Smithfield then places a document on the table in front of me. I look at it, and my mouth drops open. It's a marriage license!
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