Author: Nancy
Disclaimer: JAG and characters etc do not belong to me. No profit of
any kind is made from this.
Classification: PG-13 I originally posted this as R, but no actual
description of the sexual assault is contained (Sexual and Violent
Content) This was originally posted in the summer of 2002. 'And the
Sun Will Rise' was written as the sequel to this story.
Category: Drama
Summary: As JAG headquarters struggles to help Bud deal with his
trauma, Harm deals with a darker trauma of his own. Warning contains
sexual violence. I confess that I debated about writing a story
containing this type of violence, but I hope that somehow it may help
the reader to gain compassion and understanding of the victims
associated with sexual assault.
Special thanks to Marianne for beta reading.
Another late night at JAG headquarters found Harm pulling into his parking space outside his apartment at a late hour. He looked at his watch and cursed softly to himself and then pulled out his cell phone and punched in a familiar number. "Sergei, sorry I was late again...give me a call and we'll make plans for dinner another night." He explained to the recording on the opposite end of the phone line. His hand went to his eyes and head in attempt to rub away the fatigue from the day. His head leaned back into the seat and he allowed his eyes to close before exiting the red corvette.
Bud had returned to work that Monday, subdued, depressed and angry. Harm felt helpless when trying to deal with his now handicapped friend. Bud was closing everyone out especially those closest to him. To top off his stressful week the Admiral had given him the distasteful duty of defending a Marine accused of multiple rapes. Mac and Sturgis were prosecuting. Because the media attention the case attracted, those involved had to watch themselves. The Admiral wanted all the I's dotted and the T's crossed...so that there would be no reason for a mistrial...everyone knew the guy was guilty as sin. So Harm found himself in the uncomfortable place of defending a serial rapist. He, Mac and Sturgis had to remain professionally and personally detached during the trial proceedings leaving Harm feeling isolated.
He had failed repeatedly to try to draw Bud out of his depression only to be met with bitterness and verbal outcries of sarcasm. Today had been especially brutal when Harm made the mistake of saying that he could understand his anger. "No you don't, you stand there on two good legs telling me how I feel. No one knows how I feel except me." Harm accepted the tongue lashing without response believing that as long as he expressed his anger it wouldn't build up any more than it already had. So now he sat in his vintage Corvette mustering the mental energy to go up to his apartment.
Picking up his briefcase and cover he entered the old storage elevator. He sighed deeply as he pulled the door open to enter the landing outside his apartment. The passageway was dark lit only by the window to the outside. Harm felt a sudden surge of uneasiness. He personally kept the light bulbs changed to avoid this situation.
He stepped out of the elevator to feel strong hands grab his arms and push him against the wall. He tried to resist only to be met with a hard blow to his abdomen. Reflectively he grunted and bent forward. "Take my wallet, I don't have much cash." He spoke through the pain. He felt the hands relax a fraction. Bringing up his knee he managed to strike a strategic blow to one of his attackers who released his hold as he grunted in pain. Using his free hand, he swung at the second attacker, but the second attacker had help. A third man grabbed Harm's arm and jerked it back behind him while the injured attacker recovered and delivered a blow to Harm's right eye. Harm fought the blackness that threatened him.
"You put up a hell of a fight pretty sailor boy." One of his attackers hissed as he grabbed Harm's hair pulling his head up.
Through blurred vision Harm saw his attacker. There were three wearing stockings over their faces. The three though not as tall as he was burly and well built. Harm tried to take in all he could about their clothing and mannerisms. One of them reeked of cheap cologne.
"This is just a message...we don't appreciate what you're doing for that sicko soldier. Maybe you need to understand what it's like to be on the receiving end." The voice threatened.
Harm drew in a deep breath as he tried to restore his calmness. "You are taking your anger out on the wrong person."
"Shut the f* up! Your big time lawyer words won't help this time."
"Hurry up, before someone comes!" One of the others barked anxiously.
The leader chuckled. "I want him to enjoy this." Harm shuddered at the menacing tone. The man pulled out a pair of handcuffs and snapped one on Harm's right arm. Harm again attempted to pull away but this time the attacker placed a knife under his chin and slowly moved down his torso. "I can do some creative things with a blade when I want to...and you're giving me all kinds of reasons." The voice threatened. The three dragged Harm over to a floor pipe and threaded the handcuff around it before attaching it to his free hand.
"This is a mistake...Look if you stop now this will only be simple assault. " Harm could feel his heart beat in cold terror as he lay face down confined to the metal pipe while the others held his legs down. A dirty rag was stuffed into his mouth. He resisted the urge to vomit at the putrid taste. He then heard the sound of a zipper.
"When you defend scum you have to pay the piper." The voice whispered into his ear. "You may even like it. Me and the boys are good...real good." He laughed evilly. Harm shifted violently to move away from hands that began to pull away his clothing.
'Oh god...no' Harm screamed silently with tightly closed eyes and clinched fists against the inevitable cruel assault. His mind took him away. The day was beautiful and the sky clear...he held to the controls of his Steerman.
********
Harm sat huddled in the corner of the passageway for hours. He had pulled his partially torn clothing over his battered body trying to fight the numbness that overwhelmed him. Slowly he pushed himself up and held to the wall to his apartment door where with trembling hands he managed to open the door. Once inside he fumbled with the locks. Somewhere in his mind, the logical portion instructed him to call the police, but the injured part prevented that from happening. Instead he stumbled to his bathroom and turned on the shower as hot as he could tolerate. He stood allowing the water to penetrate the clothing he still wore and seep into his shoes as he leaned weakly against the shower stall until the water grew cold. Succumbing to his weakness, he slid down curling up into a tight ball. 'This didn't happen...didn't happen...didn't happen.'
*********
"Your honor, I'm sure Commander Rabb has good reason for his absence today." Mac stood facing a very irritated Admiral Morris.
"If he doesn't he'll find himself with contempt charges." Morris glanced at his watch impatiently. "Court will be recessed until tomorrow at 1000. And Colonel tell Commander Rabb I want to see him as soon as he surfaces."
Sturgis and Mac exchanged pained expressions as they exited the courtroom. "Harm doesn't do this often?" Sturgis quizzed Mac.
"I had Harriet call his apartment and his cell phone." Mac sounded worried.
"I hope Harm has a very good reason for missing court because I know Admiral Chegwidden isn't going to be too happy with this." Sturgis added.
"Maybe I should take a ride to his apartment." Mac suggested as they entered the JAG bullpen.
Lt. Harriet Sims approached the two, "Ma'am, Sir, Commander Rabb called in a few minutes ago."
"Did he say what happened?" Mac smiled slightly in relief.
"No, I think he's still on the phone with the Admiral." Harriet winced.
"I take it the Admiral isn't pleased with his excuse." Sturgis frowned sympathetically.
"Look if Chegwidden and Morris can forgive the gun incident in the courtroom, I'm sure they'll find a way to forgive him this time." Mac grinned.
"Wait a minute...tell me about this gun incident." Sturgis's curiosity piqued.
"Colonel, Commander...the Admiral would like to see you both in his office." Tiner interrupted.
The two strolled into the dark panel office to find the Admiral sitting at his desk looking frustrated. "At ease, I just got through trying to smooth Admiral Morris's feathers."
"Sir, I understood you talked with Commander Rabb, is he alright?" Mac asked.
"He's okay or at least he said he was. He called from the emergency room at Mercy. He said he fell in his stairwell this morning heading to work." The Admiral didn't look convinced.
"Sir, should I go check on him?" Mac looked concerned.
"No, he said he was taking the rest of the day off and would be in tomorrow. Sergei was with him." The Admiral frowned.
"Something bothering you Admiral?" Sturgis quizzed
The Admiral shook his head. "I've just never thought of Rabb as the clumsy type." He shared a mirthless smile. "You two be careful, I don't need anymore injuries." He placed his glasses on and picked up a file. "How is the Duram court martial going/"
"The evidence speaks for itself Sir. Duram should be spending the next three lifetimes in Leavenworth." Mac answered confidently.
"Harm's not too thrilled with this case." The Admiral said almost to himself.
"You don't win popularity contests with cases like this one." Sturgis added.
"Everyone deserved the best possible legal council...Besides I don't want any loopholes." Chegwidden responded with a raised eyebrow.
********
Sergei sighed in frustration as he examined the dark bruised area around Harm's eye from a distance, "Why did you not call me?"
"What would you do? I told you I'm fine, just a black eye." Harm smiled. "I need to replace the skid proof covering on those steps." He lied smoothly. "I feel like such a klutz." He said as he continued to pull everything out of his closet.
"You should go to the doctor." Sergei fussed as he watched his older brother arrange and rearrange the contents of his closet.
"I told you I'm fine!" Harm said a little more firmly than he intended. He then picked up a shirt and folded it before placing it on the shelf.
Sergei looked shocked at the sudden outburst. "I just am concerned." He said quietly.
"I mean it. I'm okay." Harm added a smile for affect.
"Then why did you not go to work if you are OKAY?" Sergei crossed his arms.
Harm looked away never stopping his task, "I sort of have a headache and am in the middle of an important case. I wanted to be at my best." He admitted. "See I am taking care of myself." Harm smiled again and proceeded into the kitchen where he opened the refrigerator and began pulling out the contents.
"You should rest." Sergei watched his brother's continuous activity.
"I am I told you I wasn't going into work today." Harm replied and turned on the stereo as a hint that the conversation was over.
Sergei nodded reluctantly, "I will come back later and bring something for dinner. I promise no meat. If you promise, you will rest. " He added as he watched his brother clean. "Cleaning is not resting." He added shouting over the stereo as he left.
Harm leaned heavily against his kitchen island lightly rubbing the painful bruised area around his eye.
Bud Roberts kept his attention focused on the computer screen in front of him. He had returned to JAG headquarters at the beginning of the week after completing a difficult rehabilitation phase of his recovery. Physically he was as healthy as he could be despite the missing limb. He couldn't however, seem to come to terms with his anger. The problem was he didn't know where to target his vehemence so everyone was a potential target. The sudden bouts of rage were followed by remorsefulness but no one understood why he felt the way he did. Sure everyone tried to understand, and their long suffering patience was adding to his frustration. His latest victim had been Commander Rabb. Commander Rabb the model of naval heroism couldn't even imagine what it was like to lose a part of yourself Bud thought as he typed aggressively on the keyboard. His anger continued to simmer as he thought how Harm had lost his night vision...big deal...he got it back later and received a DFC medal. Oh he received a Purple Heart for his lost...but they could keep the damn medal...he wanted his leg back...he wanted to be whole again...what kind of father and husband could he be like this!
Admiral Chegwidden stood silently at the younger officer's office door watching the emotion displayed on his face as he worked. "Lieutenant Roberts." He spoke up drawing the officer's attention away from his task.
Bud struggled to stand. His mobility was still slow and still somewhat awkward.
"At ease Lieutenant." The Admiral quickly intervened noting how Bud seemed to tense in anger at his diminished ability.
Bud cursed under his breath. "Sir?" He said out loud instead.
The Admiral pulled a chair in front of the desk and sat down. "How is it going?"
Bud drew in a slow deep breath. "As well as one can expect." He said offering little else. The Admiral was careful not to push. Harriet had told him of the mood swings and withdrawal. Bud's refusal to share his feelings with anyone including the psychologist assigned to him caused Harriet's greatest concern.
"Bud...I can't imagine what you are going through, but don't measure yourself against this loss. You are one hell of a lawyer and Naval officer." The Admiral's voice was calm and convincing.
Bud wanted to launch a sarcastic response but instead bit his tongue and looked at his CO. "Sir, did you need anything?"
The Admiral realized he was not getting anywhere so he changed topics. "In fact I would like to assign you to assist Commander Rabb with the Duram court martial."
Bud frowned, "I didn't think Commander Rabb needed assistance."
The Admiral raised an eyebrow. "I will be the one to decide if he needs assistance on a case." His voice projected his threatening in charge tone.
"Yes Sir, I didn't mean to be disrespectful." Bud's demeanor automatically snapped at an attention stance.
The Admiral studied the man who looked more like the Bud Roberts he knew before. So he found something to throw the lieutenant out of his self-pity Chegwidden thought. "Commander Rabb had an accident...a fall and had to be out today. I thought you could help him tie up any loose ends."
Bud frowned in genuine concern. "The Commander is alright?"
"I talked with him this morning, he assures me he is, but just the same I would feel better if he had a strong second chair." The Admiral replied giving the strong a little more emphasis.
"Yes Sir, I'll get Lt. Sims to get me the files and began reviewing them ASAP."
The Admiral stood and walked away smiling to himself...maybe he did make a little headway all Bud Roberts needs is a good kick in the pants and a lot of patience. Reminded him of another officer under his command the Admiral chuckled to himself.
********
Harm stopped his whirlwind cleaning to answer the door. Sergei had a key, but would knock before entering. He peered though the peek hole before opening it. "Bud?"
Bud limped into the spotless apartment using a cane for balance. He gave Harm a painful grimace as he surveyed Harm's darkly bruised face. "You certainly did take a spill!"
Harm's hand reflectively went to his eye. "I should watch where I'm going." He dropped his gaze and responded impassively. "What can I do for you Bud?" He gestured for them to go to the living area.
Bud carefully settled himself into a chair while Harm sat on the sofa and began to rearrange the items on his coffee table.
The nervous gestures did not go unnoticed by the younger man. At first, Bud thought that his friend was uncomfortable with his presence. He had his share of that and would find people staring at his artificial limb.
"What did the doctor say?" Bud asked and pointed at his own eye for reference.
Harm looked briefly confused. "It's just a bruise." Harm dismissed quickly and spotted Bud's briefcase.
Bud's intuition added to his knowing the man for nearly seven years told him Harm was hiding something. Before Bud could respond, Harm spoke up. "Business visit?"
"Admiral Chegwidden assigned me to assist you with the Duram court marital since you had your...fall." Bud added with a little doubt to his voice. Harm looked up and Bud would have sworn he saw a look of alarm in his friend's eyes.
"Miss a day and the next thing you know they start cleaning out your office." Harm added trying to lighten up the moment.
"According to Lt. Singer, you're more likely to loose your office if you're a woman in this man's navy. I think she's ticked that she had to give up her office when I returned." Bud added with a mischievous smile. Harm smiled and seemed to relax.
"Being ticked off is her favorite emotion." Harm added with a smirk and then said. "I understand court was rescheduled for 1000 tomorrow."
Bud responded as he opened his briefcase and pulled out a large file. "Yes, that's why I decided to come over. I thought that you would want to bring me up to speed. I read over the files...and have concluded this case..."
"Sucks." Harm finished with a grimace.
"What did you do to the Admiral to get this case?" Bud grinned.
"I've been thinking about that. Whatever it was, it must have been bad." Harm leaned back wearily. "Sorry you got dragged into this one."
"I guess it beats sitting around feeling sorry for myself." Bud added.
Harm leaned forward but didn't comment waiting for his friend to continue.
"I know I've been an ass lately, but it's kind of like after baby Sarah died. I felt so...powerless." Bud sighed and abruptly returned the conversation back to the case. "So Duram claims he's innocent while the prosecution has at least three witnesses who claim otherwise."
They were so involved in discussing the case that neither heard the knock followed by the door opening. Harm caught off guard noted the movement at the door out of the corner of his eye. Before Bud could even question Harm's sudden action, Harm had pulled a handgun from his waistband and pointed it at the intruder.
Sergei's eyes rounded like saucers when he saw his brother pointing a gun at him. "I knock." He replied holding a large bag in one arm while pointing at the door. "I used the key you gave me."
Harm seemed to be lost for a few seconds before lowering the gun. "Sergei...I didn't hear you." He replied with a slight nervous laugh and placed the gun back under his shirt into his waistband. Bud had observed the scenario with surprise. What he saw when Harm replaced the gun concerned him more . . . a large dark purple discolored area on his abdomen.
"I guess it's dinner time." Harm retreated to the kitchen and began to pull out plates while Sergei shrugged at Bud.
"You seem a little tense my brother." Sergei walked over to the island and placed the take out bag on the counter.
"Do I. . . I hadn't noticed." Harm dismissed and continued to pull out glasses and silverware.
"I need to be going. Harriet will worry...she already worries, but she'll worry more." Bud stammered a little uncomfortably, pushed himself up, and balanced with his cane.
"Call her and tell her you're eating with a couple of ole bachelors." Harm encouraged.
Sergei added. "I brought plenty."
"Thanks, but really I should be going. I will see you in the morning Commander." Bud picked up his brief case and hobbled towards the door.
"I'll walk you out." Harm added and quickly followed his friend.
"I can find my way to my van." Bud responded defensively only to be ignored by Harm.
Bud frowned as Harm carefully scanned the hallway and then the area outside his apartment. "We've had some muggings lately." Harm explained when he caught Bud watching him.
"Is that what happened to you?" Bud's eyes met his as he slid into his vehicle.
"I fell." He said quietly and pushed Bud's car door shut.
"Yea and I'm going to grow a new leg to replace the one I lost." Bud muttered as he drove away wondering about his friend's strange behavior.
*****
"I'm sorry to hear about your accident Commander. Are you ready to proceed?" Admiral Morris's tone indicated that he had fully accepted the reason for the delay and was in fact concerned about the defense's health status.
"Yes Sir." Harm nodded self-consciously. "Lt. Roberts will be assisting with the defense."
Harm sat down and fidgeted nervously with several documents. Noting the discomfort in the Commander, Bud forced himself to relax. He hadn't slept much worrying what people would think as he limped into the courtroom. Instead Bud leaned over and whispered, "We should win this one on sympathy alone." Harm chuckled at the irony of his statement and his own tension lessened.
"So noted, you may call your first witness Colonel Mackenzie."
Mac saw Harm for the first time since his accident as they entered the courtroom and even then, she was not able to speak to him. The day before she had made several calls to his apartment only to get his answering machine. Deciding he was sleeping, she elected to wait to see him that morning. Now she regretted her decision. He looked tired and stressed as well as battered. She could tell he was struggling to look in control. That revelation surprised her, he usually succeeded in covering his feelings.
Admiral Morris cleared his throat to get her attention. "The prosecution wishes to call Tina Bradford to the stand." Mac responded and soon fell into her prosecution role.
Harm listened carefully as the young woman described how her attack by the defendant. So engrossed by her testimony, he was surprised when Bud reached over and placed a hand on the pencil he had unconsciously begun tapping on the table drawing an irritated glare from Admiral Morris.
His client shifted uncomfortably as the witness began to cry on the stand. Harm remained silent and stared absently at the pencil he held with both hands.
Finally Bud spoke up, "Objection your honor, the defense is sympathetic to the witness's ordeal, but we ask that she try to contain her emotions." He said in his most gentle way. Harm was usually very good at that type of objection avoiding the suggestion of insensitivity yet preventing the jury from becoming biased based on empathy for the witness.
Admiral Chegwidden sat in the rear of the courtroom observing the proceedings. He frowned as he watched the lead defense attorney's when he stood up to cross examine the witness. The whole line of questioning although appropriate lacked Harm's emotional appeal and seemed detached. Roberts had come to the rescue several times with well timed objections that Harm should have initiated. He also noted Mac steal concerned glances Harm's way through out the morning. Finally, Admiral Morris recessed for lunch.
"Commander, I would like to see you in my office." Chegwidden intercepted Harm as they began to clear the courtroom.
Harm picked up his brief case and followed his CO. Mac caught up with him before he left the room. "Harm, that looks pretty nasty are you sure you're up for this today? I'm sure Admiral Morris would give you another extension."
"I'm doing that bad huh?" He smiled sadly and turned to follow the Admiral.
***
"Commander? Are you up to this? Because I've seen better performances from first year law students." The Admiral's voice was concerned bordering on frustration as he observed Harm's expression for signs of his usual arrogant bravado.
When Harm didn't respond immediately the Admiral walked around his office desk and gestured for Harm to follow him to the sitting area in front of the fireplace. "Commander, what's going on?" He gently probed.
"Sir, I just had a slow start, I'll be fine this afternoon. Besides Bud is prepared to cross the next two witnesses." Harm explained while maintaining a carefully schooled expression.
"So that's it." The Admiral sat back in his chair and crossed his arms observing his officer with his penetrating gaze.
"I guess so." Harm replied a little defensively earning him an icy stare from his CO.
"Commander, if you are not fit for duty then I need to know now. Furthermore, if you aren't telling me something that I should know related to this case beyond attorney client privilege, I will have you filling out freedom of information forms for the next month. And if your performance continues to falter to the point that your client requires a new trial, I'll have one of your stripes do I make myself clear?" The Admiral threatened.
"Yes Sir!" Harm stood at attention staring at the wall behind the Admiral.
"Dismissed!" The Admiral barked. Damn Rabb why won't you ever make something easy on yourself and tell me up front what the problem is, the older man thought as he shook his head in frustration.
Although the afternoon gave Harm a reprieve as Bud finished the crosses on the next two witnesses he found himself tied up in knots as he listened to the vivid testimonies. Forcing himself to be more conscious of his body movements, he couldn't find a release from the mounting tension. Waves of nausea began to threaten and he could feel beads of sweat accumulating on the brow of his flushed face.
When the second witness described how she was held down during the attack, Harm quickly exited the courtroom barely making it to the men's room to retch up everything he had eaten that day. The cool water he splashed on his face did little to stop the blended images of his attack and the witnesses that raced in his mind. He cursed quietly and leaned heavily against the sink with his eyes closed in attempt to regain some semblance of self-control.
"Commander, I've arranged for Tiner to drive you home. I'm relieving you of this case and further duties until you bring me a medical clearance." Harm opened his eyes to see the reflection of the Admiral standing behind him.
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