Author: Nancy
Disclaimer: JAG and characters do not belong to me.
This strictly for entertainment
Classification: G
Category: Harm and Mac Humor
Summary: You need to read Trial and Error for this to make since.
Harm and Mac baby-sit. Harriet has a second baby.
Written 12/01
Six Weeks After Abby Roberts is born
1200
JAG HQ
"Come on Harm, Bud and Harriet really need some time alone. Remember what you said after you babysat little AJ when Abby was born."
"I know, but taking two kids under the age of three out for the whole day? And my apartment will be out of commission because they are doing repair work on the water system."
"Suck it up Flyboy, I told you to come crash on my couch for the weekend. Besides, I'll be with you this time."
"Oh I feel better knowing Dr. Spock the Marine is going with us. And I don't think Brumby would like the idea of finding me on your couch."
Mac rolls her eyes ignoring the last part of my comment," So you'll help?"
"Ok, ok, but I bet this will be a real eye opening experience Mac."
"I'm calling Harriet now, remember this Saturday. We'll spend the day at the park that has public restrooms. Remember you're with a Marine, and I will be prepared." She marches off with her Semper Fi attitude.
We'll see.
Motel Room somewhere near Harm's Apt.
0800 Saturday
I wake up not ready to open my eyes after a restless night on a very uncomfortable mattress. Maybe I should have taken Mac up on her offer to crash on her couch, It was bound to be more comfortable than this. I become aware of a sound outside the room. Oh great, its raining. I reach for the phone and quickly dial up Mac's number. Before she has time to answer, "Mac its raining."
"Harm?"
"You said you would be prepared. What is Plan B?"
"Just chill out, I have everything under control."
I have a sinking feeling in the middle of my gut.
"Just pick me up at 1030. Harriet called and sounded so excited. She said she would give the kids an early lunch." Confidence poured from the receiver of the phone.
"Ok" I respond somewhat weakly as the thunder blasts outside my room.
1030
Mac's Apt
"Ok what is plan B"
"Don't worry, we'll have a great time. You'll see." She pats my knee. Great battles were lost due to overconfidence.
1100
Leaving the Roberts Home
We smile and wave at the happy couple as I back out the drive, both little Roberts safely secured in their car seats. How do Bud and Harriet do that do quickly? You know the car seat thing?
"Where too?" I ask of our designated activity director.
"Cinema Multitheater."
I almost slam on the breaks and look at Mac with a shocked statement. "Mac don't tell me we are taking a baby and a two year old to the movies. Haven't you ever been in a movie when a baby starts crying? It's not a pretty site. The audience conspires to torture the parents in the slowest most painful way imaginable."
"Just drive." She smirks.
We arrive at the theater, and I help Mac remove AJ and Abby from their car seats. We enter the theater.
Mac goes to the window to purchase the tickets, "Two adults and two children under 3 for the "Winnie the Pooh" movie.
She has got to be kidding. I look around nervously hoping see no one I know. I've had a good dose of humiliation to last a lifetime the last time I babysat.
We settle into the theater and Mac suggests I go get us popcorn and drinks.
Standing at the concession stand I hear familiar voices. I would never make a good criminal. I always get caught. Tuna, Boomer, Skates and Keeter are all standing in line behind me.
Keeter, Boomer, Skates and Tuna finish ordering as we briefly catch up.
"I tried calling you when we got into town, but all I got was your answering machine" Tuna explains. I tell them how my apartment building is experiencing water problems, and that I stayed in a hotel last night.
Keeter just grunts, "Yea right."
"We're watching 'The Perfect Storm'. You want to join us or do you have someone special here with you?" Keeter adds as he notices the snacks that he knows I would never eat.
"Well actually I am here with some friends, and we're watching another movie." I hope this will satisfy them, and they will go on into the movie theatre so I can go back to that bear movie unobserved.
My luck has been pretty bad so far, so why expect it to change.
"Anyone we know?"
I lie, "No."
I started to tell them, but I don't think they will believe me. Besides they would think Mac and I...you know.
"Why don't we meet up after the movies and grab a few beers and something to eat." Boomer suggests, and the others agree.
"I promised to make this an early evening. Maybe next time."
They all smile as if they understand what my plans are...but they don't...so I let them believe what they want.
I continue to stall, as they continue to stand there. We look like a group of teenagers at their first dance waiting to see who will be the first to ask someone to dance. I began to imagine Abby screaming and AJ running up and down the aisles of the theatre, so I 'bite the bullet' you might say and decide to rescue Mac.
As I walk down the hallway towards the entrances of the theatres, I hear Tuna ask, "Which movie are you seeing?"
I take a deep breathe and turn towards the theatre where 'My movie' is playing.
"Winnie the Pooh!" Keeter falls out laughing.
"Dating them kinda young now Harm," Boomer spouts out between spasms of laughter. The others are laughing so hard tears are rolling down their eyes.
I'm sure I will be in the 'Navy Times' this week. I can only imagine what my new call sign will be as I walk into the theatre. A musical tune about Pooh bear floats out the door only prompting louder bouts of laughter.
I locate our seats only to be greeted by Mac's 'where the hell have you been' look. I hand over the popcorn, chocolate covered raisins and soda that cost me whatever dignity I once had as a Naval aviator. Then I plop down into my seat a defeated man.
AJ seems enthralled with the movie, and Abby is sleeping peacefully in Mac's arms. So I settle back against my seat as my lack of sleep causes me to drift to sleep as Pooh and Tigger dance across the screen.
"Harm, Harm wake up" Mac orders as she punches my arm.
I awaken disoriented "What."
"Where is AJ?" she has a death grip on my arm.
Deja vu...the last time AJ disappeared, I found him on top of my kitchen cabinets. Terror grips me as I imagine AJ being kidnapped and visualize his picture on milk cartons. I stand and look around as the people behind us growl at me to sit down. I see movement on the floor between the rows of seats, and breathe a sigh of relief as I spot AJ. I scoop him up from the floor not sure whether to hug or spank him.
"That floor is nasty, Harm. Why don't you take him to the restroom and clean him up" Mac instructs.
We head towards the exit as people give us threatening looks. As we reach the light of the hall, I notice AJ has chocolate smeared all over his mouth and red stains across the front of his shirt. Surely Mac didn't give him that box of chocolate covered raisins and some sort of red drink.
Upon returning to the theatre, I hear Abby crying inconsolably as Mac tries to calm her with a pacifier. Daggers, spears and missile launchers are all aimed at Mac and I by the other people trying to watch the movie, so I suggest Mac offer Abby a bottle to quiet her.
Mac shoots me a look that could freeze hell, so I Just slump further down into my seat 'taking cover'. I wonder if we will leave the theatre alive.
Mac finally decides to make a strategic retreat towards the exit with Abby and the diaper bag. We didn't see them again until the end of the movie.
Note to Marine: I told you so.
We exit the theatre and head to my SUV in silence. Mac secures Abby into her car seat as I do the same for AJ. Mac and I enter the vehicle and slam the doors, and I pull out of the parking lot.
I pull to the side of the road as the sound of up-chucking is heard from the back seat. I jump out of the SUV and reach to retrieve AJ from his car seat in time for him to throw up red colored raisin loaded emesis all over the back seat of my beloved SUV. AJ seems fine as I comfort him, but my seat looks terminal.
"You shouldn't have bought those chocolate covered raisins." Mac accuses.
"And just who gave them to him, and where did that red drink come from." I demand in my best prosecutor's tone.
"While you were napping during the movie, AJ became hungry. I had the red fruit punch in the diaper bag for him as a treat." Yep, this was a REAL treat!
I grit my teeth to avoid saying something that may lead to a court martial.
Note to Marine: Never ever give small children red drinks or any thing chocolate covered.
Saturday
1500
Harm's SUV
"Where do you want to go now?"
"I'm kinda hungry. You and I haven't had lunch."
I don't have much of an appetite after cleaning up AJ and my backseat. Mac notices my frown. "Or we can walk around the mall for the next three hours."
I whip into the parking lot of a popular restaurant that advertises that it is family friendly.
Mac reaches into the diaper bag and tosses me a clean shirt to replace AJ's battle stained one. I remove him from his Car seat. "Arms up." little arms raise straight above his head. Quickly the old shirt is replaced with a clean one. "Arms down." AJ giggles and drops them by his side. He then repeats to himself "up" and throws his arms up and then says "down" pulling his arms to his sides. He likes this new game.
Note to self: Turn anything into a game, and you will definitely get more cooperation.
I toss Mac the soiled shirt, which she places in a large Ziplock bag and places it into the diaper bag. She then reaches in a pulls out an odd looking cup with two handles and a plastic lid with a spout, She smiles. "I told you Marines are always prepared."
Note to self: Marines do know how to pack for battle.
I smile. Just because the movie was a bummer, doesn't mean the meal will be. I pick up Abby in her car seat, while Mac holds AJ's hand and head for the restaurant door. In the back of my mind's ear I hear that song from the movie 'Jaws'. You know the one where unsuspecting swimmers are approached by that killer shark.
We are seated in a booth, and a highchair is provided for AJ. Abby sleeps soundly in her car seat, and I strap AJ into the highchair.
Mac and I begin to scan the menu when AJ announces, "Go potty."
I jump up, unstrap AJ and head for the restrooms. I tell Mac to order me a large chef salad, no meat, Ranch dressing on the side and a large water.
We return ten minutes later after AJ decided he really didn't need to 'go potty' after all. Mac is drumming her silverware on the table rather impatiently. "I haven't ordered yet. Where is our waitress?"
"What did she look like."
"Fried blonde hair."
I scan the room and spot the 'fried blonde' waitress and signal her to come take our order.
She smiles sweetly at me and gives Mac the once over.
After placing our orders, Abby decides to wake up and begins to whimper. Mac retrieves a bottle from the diaper bag and feeds a very hungry Abby. Mac coos and smiles at Abby as she takes her bottle. It makes for a beautiful site. After the bottle is emptied, Mac places Abby against her chest and begins to pat her on the back. Suddenly a surprisingly loud burp comes from Abby. Mac's statement turns to a look of disgust, and she hands Abby over the table to me. Partially digested milk covers the front of Mac's shirt and probably down the front also.
Mac takes a deep breath and marches towards the restrooms in silence. I wanted to laugh so badly, but knew the consequences could be life threatening.
'Fried blonde' waitress returns with our beverages. She looks at me, and the two blonde haired children with me "You know your children don't look a thing like your wife."
I start to explain, but instead gestured for her to lean closer, and I whisper, "Actually I had an affair that my wife doesn't know about. These kids really aren't hers, but don't tell her. She doesn't suspect anything." I wink.
'Fried Blonde' nods and passes her fingers across her mouth like she is zipping them shut. She winks "you can trust me."
I think that there is more fried than just her hair.
AJ is happily drumming on his highchair tray with two spoons when Mac returns. She is wearing her shirt backwards, and the back is soaking wet where she attempted to wash out the milk. She looks at me and dares me to say something.
Note to Marine: Always bring a towel to place on shoulder when burping baby.
'Fried blonde' waitress brings our food, and I find that I am actually hungry. Just as I raise my fork...Abby begins to whimper and this gradually becomes louder and louder reaching glass breaking frequency. I look to Mac who holds her hamburger just inches from her mouth. "No more bottles?"
I know what kind of appetite Mac has and decide on a course of action. I pick Abby up and head out the door with cheers from the other restaurant customers.
Abby and I stroll around the parking lot until she falls back asleep. I reenter the restaurant in time to see AJ standing in his highchair with hands firmly planted on his hips yelling "Nooooooooo" with Mac gently encouraging him to "sit down".
I watch as 'Sweet Smiling Sarah' transforms into 'Devil Dog Marine Mom'. She stands up, her eyes meeting his straight on, just inches from his "You will sit down Mister, and I mean nooooow, do you understand!!!" she orders in her 'take no prisoners' tone. I watch as AJ slides down into his chair, and so did everyone else in the place.
I carefully slide back into the booth, careful not to wake the sleeping giant and begin to eat.
AJ becomes bored again and begins to wiggle and fuss. I watch for 'Devil Dog Marine Mom' to reappear but instead Mac starts to sing 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' complete with hand and arm motions. AJ laughs and tries to sing along copying Mac's gestures. I relax realizing we are not going to have another battle of wills. After singing the song AJ giggles, "Sing again."
The song is repeated over and over and over and over. A couple sitting near us look at me sympathetically and leave. This reminds me of my junior high trips on the bus with the baseball team singing 'Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall'. I'm sure I will be singing the song in the shower, humming it on the elevator and dreaming it in my sleep...all 99 verses.
I look at my watch and find it is thankfully time to return our two terrorists back home. We load up and head for the Robert's.
Harriet and Bud greet us in the driveway glowing. They thanked us at least ten times. "We had the best day...Do you know what we did?" Harriet giggles. I think I don't I want to know as she continues, "First we took a nap. That was the first time Bud and I have probably had a nap together in over six weeks...Then we went to a real restaurant...one with crystal and tablecloths." I truly understand where she is coming from.
Mac smiles gratefully at me as if to say 'the mission was a success.'
We arrive at Mac's later, and she insists I come in for coffee. I need the caffeine. I collapse onto her sofa "Mac, do you have some aspirin, my back is killing me. I must have put AJ in and out of that car seat a hundred times today."
She tosses me a bottle of aspirin then brings two glasses of water over to where I am sitting. I take out two aspirin and start to replace the lid when Mac stops me "Wait I need a couple." She rubs her forehead, and I pour two tablets into her hand. We both down the aspirin, and she drops onto the couch next to me.
We are both slouched back with our eyes closed completely exhausted.
"Well, how was it?"
"What do you mean?"
"Playing Mommy all day." I smile.
She sighs never moving or opening her eyes "You know if couples would sign a prenuptial agreement stating that if they have kids, and one of the partners decides to leave the marriage for some reason. That partner should have to take the kids with him or her.... I believe this would cut the divorce rate by half."
"At least." I smile. My head is laid back and eyes closed.
"Mac"
"Yea"
"I think I'm going to take you up on your offer to crash on your couch."
"I thought you were afraid Mic would come by and not like it."
"Jingo will stand guard at the door. He and I share sentiments regarding Mic."
"Harm"
"Yea"
"If we do end up doing the 'five year baby deal'. Promise me you won't leave."
"Will you promise too?"
"Yea"
"Deal"
"Deal"
"Mac"
"Yea"
"You smell like sour milk."
"Gee Flyboy, I bet you say that to all the girls."
"Only you"
"Goodnight Harm"
"Goodnight Mac"
Monday 0800
JAG HQ
"Hold the elevator"
Gunny, Carolyn Imes, the Admiral, Mac and I enter the elevator.
"Commander, Colonel" the Admiral nod then looks again. "You must have had some weekend. You both look like hell."
I look over at Mac who is busy counting ceiling tiles.
"Hold the elevator"
"Mr. Roberts, its good to see someone looks well rested from the weekend."
"Yes Sir, Harriet and I had the best weekend in months. The Commander and Colonel babysat for us." Snickering could be heard throughout the elevator as it moves between floors. The Admiral raises his eyebrows and suppresses a grin.
"Oh and Colonel, Harriet said little AJ is still singing that song you taught him, 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' with the hand motions." Mac glares at Bud while I try to cover my laughter by coughing.
The Admiral looks over at Mac and smiles, "Colonel you'll have to do us the honor of performing." Snickers are turning into soft laughter.
"All ninety nine verses." I add as unsuppressed belly laughter erupts. Hey, I'm not the only one who's going to be written up in the 'Navy Times'. This was her idea.
The End
* NancyT's Stories * Please send Feedback! *
