Author: Nancy
Disclaimer: JAG and characters don't belong to me. No profit made
here.
Classification: PG-13
Category: Drama
Summary: This is the sequel to A Walk on the Dark Side. Warning references made to rape. "Take My
Breath Away" is from the sound track Top Gun.
I was amazed at the amount and depth of the responses I received for 'A Walk on the Dark Side.' With the help of some very special people who tried to break me of my compulsion to misspell and use commas incorrectly as well as help me keep the subject matter true, I was able to write this sequel. Thank you, Lelia, Karen, Marianne and Brenda. This story is for you! By the way Brenda, I realize I probably missed an opportunity to include a comma or two in this dedication...oh well...on to the story.
PART 2
Lt. Bud Roberts walked into the darkly paneled office of his commanding officer, his limp less noticeable than his first months back at headquarters. His face was a mask as he stood at attention.
"At ease Lieutenant," the Admiral greeted. "What can I do for you?"
"Sir, I'm still troubled by the Duram appeal. Was I assigned the case because you expected me to loose? " Bud's words were laced with bitterness.
"Bud have a seat." The Admiral spoke gently.
"No sir I would rather stand. I've worked hard to be able to stand just like I've worked hard to obtain my legal degree," Bud said indignantly.
"Suit yourself Lieutenant. I assigned you the case because I felt you would do a thorough job."
Bud flinched. "Sir, Duram's first conviction had nothing to do with my physical disability. Duram is guilty."
"The court will make that final decision. Do you have anything else to get off your chest Lieutenant?" The Admiral sighed deeply.
"Yes sir, would you please reassign the Duram case to someone other than Commander Rabb?" Bud's unwavering gaze met the Admiral's frown.
"What in the hell is going on? Why would I want to reassign the Commander?" The Admiral stood in frustration. "Are you and the Commander holding back something I should know about?"
"Sir, I am not at liberty to share the reasons, but for the Commander's sake, please take him off the case," Bud pleaded softly.
"I won't reassign this case unless I'm given a good reason Lieutenant. And if you know something that would jeopardize the integrity of these proceedings, I expect you to tell me now Lieutenant!" The Admiral demanded irately.
"I can't do that Sir."
"You will if you're ordered Mister Roberts!" The Admiral had no more patience.
"Then you will have to charge me for failing to obey a direct order Sir." Bud stood stiffly at attention.
The Admiral threw his glasses on his desk and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Get out of here Lieutenant before I do just that!"
********
A week later, Harm sat rigidly next to his client and Dalton Bittle in the crowded courtroom. The tension between them was palpable. Admiral Chegwidden had slipped in the back opposite Private Timothy Duram's grandfather. The young prosecutor was from San Diego. Harm had gone against the JAG attorney when he defended Mikey Roberts for manslaughter charges and secretly cheered the Admiral's choice because the guy would go for the jugular.
The prosecution again presented the evidence that had Duram convicted in the first place. Harm made a few objections, but without his usual gusto. Several times Bittle jumped in and successfully intervened. At the end of the first day, Duram still appeared to have been justly convicted.
"Look Commander, tomorrow you'd better pull one of those rabbits out of that magic hat I've heard so much about or you'll be a topic of discussion on Jerry Springer," Duram threatened in a whispered voice.
Harm grabbed his client by the lapel of his uniform receiving a warning glare from Admiral Chegwidden who had remained in the courtroom talking with another officer. "Don't threaten me, Private. You are a disgrace to that uniform you're wearing."
"I'm a disgrace? You're the one who's got the deep dark secret." Duram chuckled as the guards approached and escorted him away.
Harm turned to see Bittle's fake grin plastered across his face. "Let me put it to you a little differently, Commander. I'm presenting additional evidence that Mr. Roberts had knowledge of pictures and tapes of those nasty Marines in the act of violently raping some women. Then I will show how these depraved men tried to frame our virtuous client for their own heinous actions, and I expect your full support when I do or." He waved a folder in Harm's face and turned to see Bud Roberts hobble in the courtroom. "Or your unfortunate friend will have his career ended along with yours for dereliction of duty and obstruction of justice because he withheld important evidence. He should have petitioned to have this case thrown out. Being handicapped would make it difficult to start a new career. It would probably be devastating." Bittle continued to grin, but his eyes darkened with his threat.
Harm gritted his teeth using all the self-control he could muster to keep from decking the man. His options were now painfully narrowed and time was running out. He needed to get away and think.
Admiral Chegwidden watched the interchange at a distance with a critical eye. He didn't like this civilian attorney and his instincts agreed with Bud's evaluation that Harm's client was guilty as sin. However, his greatest concern now was for his officer. For months Commander Harmon Rabb was not functioning at his usual level and this case seemed to be taking it's toll. Maybe he should have tried harder to find a way out of this case for Rabb.
The Admiral decided to quietly let Mac find out what was going on. She had shared her own concerns with him weeks ago. He had confidence that she would get to the bottom of this for more reasons than he wanted to think about, and perhaps that was the best way to handle it...hand it off to the Marines.
"Harm? How about I treat for dinner tonight?" Mac caught up with him in the parking lot.
"No thanks, I've got to prepare for tomorrow." He thought, 'by getting smashed'.
"You've got to eat anyway." She smiled.
"No, maybe another time."
"Dammit Harm, don't close your friends out."
"What do you want Mac?" Harm replied irritably.
"I want you to talk to me."
"I'll add you to the list. I'm busy meeting everyone else's needs for the moment." His words were uncharacteristically sarcastic.
"Who is everyone?"
"Mac, drop the psychobabble and just give me some space," he snapped and slid into his Vette without looking back at her.
Something was wrong and he wasn't going to get away that easily, she thought as the red Vette drove away.
He looked in his rearview window to see Mac standing in the parking lot watching. "I'm sorry Sarah. You deserve better." He whispered as he drove away.
**********
Normally the nights before a big case, Harm would spend hours preparing, but instead he made what was becoming a routine stop on his way home. Wednesday night at KC's bar was karaoke and several patrons had taken turns belting out various versions of love songs that under normal circumstances would have made the roaches find a new residence. Most of the few customers however had consumed enough beer and liquor that they enjoyed all the performances. The waitress refilled his glass and winked at him. "Why don't you take a spin Honey. You've got to sound better than this group of cats in heat."
Harm looked at her though glassy eyes and chuckled. "What would like to hear?"
"Something not so depressing. My boyfriend always used to sing that Phil Collins song 'You'll Be in My Heart.' He's history, but I still like the song." She grinned and poured more into his glass. "This one's on me if you sing."
Harm draped his uniform jacket and tie across a chair and unfastened the top two buttons of his shirt. 'To hell with uniform regs,' he thought. His waitress friend plugged in the song and the intro to the lyrics began to sound as the words scrolled across the screen, but he didn't need them as he grasped the microphone and sat on the stool. His voice started out soft but as he sang he gained confidence and closed his eyes blocking out his surroundings.
"Come stop your crying and we'll be alright.
Just take my hand, hold it tight.
I will protect you from all around you
I will be here don't you cry
For one so small, you seem so strong
My arms will hold you keep you safe and warm
This bond between us can't be broken
I will be here don't you cry
Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You will be here in my heart
Always
Why can't they understand the way we feel
They just don't trust what they can't explain
I know we're different
But deep in side us
We're not that different at all
You'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
Don't listen to them
Cause what do they know
We need each other to have to hold
They'll see in time
I know
When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you,
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together
Cause you'll be in my heart
Believe me, you'll be in my heart
I be there from this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
You'll be here in my heart
No matter what they say I'll be with you
Be here in my heart
I'll be there always
Always"
I'll be with you
I'll be there for you always...
Always and always
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
I'll be there always
Would he always be looking over his shoulder for her? Would she continue to be there for him? If only things could be different. He so needed her to hold him and take his pain away.
He received a standing ovation with pleas to sing more. Oblivious to the attention, he threw cash down on the table, downed the remainder of his drink, and staggered towards the door.
"Hey buddy, you have a real sweet voice!" A couple of guys drinking rather heavily taunted from the bar.
Harm ignored them, but one of the men grabbed his arm. "HEY! That's no way to respond to a compliment! Why don't you stick around and entertain all the ladies here, and we'll buy you a drink." He chuckled drunkenly along with two other men leaning heavily against the bar. Harm pulled away only to feel the resistance of the man forcibly restraining him.
"Look, just get your hands off of me, and I'm out of here," Harm hissed.
"We're not through with you!" The drunken man yelled.
The guy didn't see the fist before it impacted his jaw. His two friends quickly sobered up and lit into Harm. One tackled Harm sending him into the bar, but Harm came up swinging and sent the guy sailing into a nearby table. By now the first guy recovered and pulled a knife.
Harm froze as images from his sexual assault began to weave with the present. "Come on let me show you what this blade can do." The man scoffed. He then sliced through the air catching a slightly dazed Harm on his upper arm. The sudden sting brought Harm back to the present. Several women screamed, and the bartender yelled for them to stop as he dialed the police. Harm dodged the second sweep, grabbed the man by his shoulder, and threw him. The knife bounced loose and was quickly picked up by the waitress who had coaxed Harm into singing. The fight wasn't over as one of the remaining men grabbed Harm while the other punched him in the abdomen repeatedly until he slumped forward. "Stop it, you'll kill him!" Someone screamed. The sound of a siren stopped the beating, and the three men darted out of the bar and left with tires screeching. Harm slid down on his knees guarding his sore abdomen as two uniformed police entered the bar.
*******
The remaining patrons of the bar explained to the police that the three men who had fled started the fight. Harm convinced the officers that he didn't need to go to the hospital, but they insisted on driving him home. After a long hot shower he collapsed into bed and a restless sleep filled with nightmares and nausea.
********
Harm had managed to conceal his bloodshot eyes the next day with the help of eye drops, but he moved stiffly. The over the counter analgesic did not relieve his pounding headache or the multiple painful areas of his body. Harm had neglected to tell Jack at his last few sessions of his increased alcohol use. But he was a survivor, right? Just give it a few months. Buck up and take it like a man or Naval officer and all that garbage, he thought harshly as he headed towards the courtroom.
He scanned the hallway for Mac thinking he could really stand someone in his corner when he caught the Admiral out of the corner of his eye along with the SecNav. His opening the day before if rated on a scale of one to ten fell somewhere around a two. He didn't incorporate any of his usual emotional appeal or flag waving prose. Basically it would have been described as short. That was probably why he gave himself at least a two. Short was good especially when you wanted your client to go to hell as quickly and directly as possible, he thought as he watched Duram enter escorted by two Marine guards. The only time he really felt good about his client was when he saw him shackled. The Marine guard removed the cuffs from his client's hands, and Harm suddenly found himself on the landing of his apartment...
*******flashback******
One of his attackers chuckled. "I want him to enjoy this." Harm shuddered at the menacing tone. The man pulled out a pair of handcuffs and snapped one on Harm's right arm. Harm again attempted to pull away but this time the attacker placed a knife under his chin and slowly moved down his torso. "I can do some creative things with a blade when I want to...and you're giving me all kinds of reasons," the voice threatened. The three dragged Harm over to a floor pipe and threaded the handcuff around it before attaching it to his free hand.
****End of flashback****
"Commander Rabb, you may call your first witness," Captain Sebring announced.
Harm blinked a couple of times trying to think what he was supposed to do next. "Sir, Mr. Bittle will be questioning the next witnesses," he finally managed to say and sat down.
"What's the matter with Rabb?" the SecNav whispered to Admiral Chegwidden.
"I understand this Bittle guy is a real jack ass. I'm sure Rabb is handling everything," the Admiral said more to reassure himself than the arrogant little man next to him. Mac had slipped into the rear of the courtroom and seated herself next to the Admiral.
"He'd better! I've put up with more than a few of Rabb's antics over the years, and the Navy doesn't need anything that would embarrass her," the short man spat.
The Admiral bristled and replied. "Which time are you referring Mr. Secretary? Do you mean the time he saved the entire crew of the Seahawk a few months ago using his plane as a decoy, or when he defended Captain Sebring of the false charges brought against him? With officers like Rabb no wonder the Navy has to worry about her reputation." Mac smiled approvingly at her CO's defense of his officer.
Bittle was in top form as he established a solid defense. Poor Timothy Duram was in fact framed by the a group of perverted men who not only tried to destroy the lives of their victims, but wanted to destroy Duram because of jealousy. Duram came from a supportive wealthy family. Instead of going to an Ivy League college, he chose to serve his country as his father and grandfather before him. Bittle had several of Duram's teachers testify to his character. He also produced a young woman who declared that she was Duram's fiancée. The pictures and portions of videos hit their mark as the jury looked properly incensed.
Harm wasn't sure if his hangover or the testimony stirred up the nausea in his gut. Bittle was smooth, and Harm hoped the prosecution could poke holes in the testimony, but Bittle had done his homework. Harm was to present the closing and all he could think about was the woman in the video pleading for her tormentors to stop as Duram's voice provoked the attackers. The sound of the gavel hitting disrupted his reverie.
"Closings will be presented at 1000 in the morning," Sebring had declared. Harm had no doubt that Duram was going to get off.
Mac had tried to reach him all afternoon by phone. When he failed to reply to her messages, she decided to drive to his place. She arrived unannounced to find Harm sitting on his back steps. He took a long sip out of the half empty bottle of bourbon. "Here's to truth, justice and the American way!" He toasted the crescent moon, turned to Mac, and tipped the bottle to her. "You were wrong you know! I have had a few less than perfect moments. This is just one of them. Are you happy?" His remarks echoed her own drunken accusations of him years before after Dalton Lowne had been murdered.
Mac felt hot tears of disappointment collect in her eyes. "Why are you doing this Harm? Something is terribly wrong. Why can't you tell me?"
He stood looking out into the dark night at the distant lights of the city. She waited patiently for his response.
"I'm not what everyone thinks I am. I'm supposed to the Navy's idea of a hero. I'm supposed to take the punches without any complaints and stand up and ask for more...I'm supposed to take whatever crap life dishes out and take it like a man. It's all a load of bullshit," he yelled to the moon, his voice overflowing with anger and bitterness. His next comment wavered and sounded more wounded than angry. "I'm so sick of trying to be what everyone thinks I supposed to be...funny thing is...I've been doing it for so long that I don't know who in the hell I am." He slumped to the ground and leaned forward hugging his knees after taking another drink from the bottle.
Mac slowly approached him and sat next to him. "You are one of the most honorable men I have ever known, but you aren't perfect. No one is and no one expects you to be with the exception of yourself. You keep impossible standards for yourself Harm. Let them go," she pleaded.
"Is this the lifeline speech? Nearly drowned after the last one," he chuckled drunkenly. "Can you keep a secret? I've already let go of those standards." He didn't laugh this time but seemed to withdraw into himself and hugged his long legs up tighter to his chest. "You should have married Bugme. He was an ass, but at least everyone knew it up front. Nope, he didn't pretend to be someone he wasn't." Harm laughed and took another long sip of the brown clear liquid.
Mac pulled the bottle away with little resistance. "You've had enough!" Her concern was replaced with anger. She had participated in pity parties like this one all of her life. First with her father and then her own. "Get up. You've got to go inside where you can sleep it off." Her tone was curt and unyielding.
Harm staggered to his feet. "Sounds like you've had enough. Good, get the hell out of here. No one asked you to come here!" He pointed towards her car and almost lost his balance.
"What did you tell me once? You aren't just a drunk, you are a mean drunk," she spat back.
"Touche'," Harm chuckled sarcastically. "Add that to my list of imperfections, Colonel." He saluted her awkwardly and swayed dangerously.
"One thing I've learned from my vast experience of being an alcoholic is that there is never a good reason for getting drunk!" Enraged, she spun around ready to leave.
"That is were you are wrong Mac!" Harm yelled to her back. He then mumbled just loud enough for her to hear. "Sometimes you need it to forget."
"You don't think I tried it to forget about my wonderful family life? Dalton's murder? Mic's leaving? I can think of a million things I would like to forget." Mac turned and retorted angrily.
"But you missed one thing." Harm listed forward using his finger to emphasize the point.
Mac stood inches from him with her hands planted on her hips. "You've survived loosing your father, your flight status, your RIO, lost girlfriends without alcohol...Why now? What could be so terrible?"
He seemed to sober up enough to walk to the back porch of his house where he plopped down. "Thanks for reminding me of how much I've screwed up."
Mac sucked in a deep breath in an effort to regain control of her emotions. Slowly, it occurred to her that he HAD survived his share of hard knocks and never turned to liquor. Why now indeed? She eased next to him so that they were barely touching. "Harm, something terrible happened. Please tell me so I can help." She slid her hand over to his and squeezed it gently.
"You can't help. No one can. It's my problem," he said softly.
"You are wrong. You are my best friend Harm, and friends don't let friends suffer alone. You have no problem that I can't help you handle." She held his hand tightly. He didn't try to pull away this time. Minutes passed in silence as they sat mutely on the porch steps.
"The Duram appeal...he's going to get off." Harm finally broke the silence.
"What does that have to do with tonight?"
"The son of a bitch is guilty, and I know it. He's going to be released, and he's going to continue to rape and get away with it." Harm's voice was barely a whisper.
"As his defense attorney you can't bring evidence against him. You could be disbarred." Mac replied trying to understand what he was trying to tell her.
"Hell, I don't care about that. They can have my damn license."
"Harm, I don't understand. You sound like you feel trapped."
"I am. He's got a tape."
Mac felt a sinking sensation in her chest as she waited for his response. "Go on."
"It's a tape of a man being sexually assaulted," Harm said softly.
Mac frowned as she gently implored, "You know the man?"
He didn't respond immediately but stared at some unknown insignificant point in the yard.
"It was me." His voice sounded strained.
Mac felt like she had been kicked hard in the stomach. Bile rose in her throat as she fought to control the sudden wave of nausea his words evoked. "Oh god Harm. I'm so sorry." She managed to say as she watched him cover his face with his hands.
She tentatively put her arm around his shoulder and leaned her head against his. "I'm so sorry." Realization about when it happened dawned as she sat quietly next to him. "It was the night you were assaulted outside your apartment."
He nodded without talking.
"Herndon, Lott and Stogner?"
"Herndon killed Lott at the warehouse. He was going to make it look like I killed Lott and then committed suicide because Lott was blackmailing me with the videotape of my...attack." His words sounded mechanical and detached.
"But the security guard interrupted and then we showed up." Mac winced as the pieces began to fall together.
"I went to Lott's, got all the copies, I thought, of the videotape and destroyed them... but there was another assault on one of the copies of the tape. A woman being gang raped. Duram was the cameraman. I recognized his voice. But Duram has a copy of the tape that only includes my attack. He's threatened to make it public if I didn't help get him off." Harm closed his eyes.
"Who else knows about the tape?"
"Bud, I told him about it. That's why I didn't testify in the initial court martial, and he didn't try to link all of the rapes to Herndon, Stogner and Lott."
"The evidence proved that Duram was guilty." Mac replied.
"The tape with just my assault would have cast doubt on Duram's guilt. There was no way Duram participated because he was in jail. It along with the other evidence that Bittle presented today would have helped make Duram look like Lott set him up and that I was being blackmailed to help Lott," Harm added.
"The bastards all got what they deserved," Mac said angrily.
"Yep, but I did manipulate the system," Harm replied wearily. "Now that jerk Bittle is breathing down my neck threatening charges of obstruction of justice and dereliction of duty for me and Bud if I come forward with the truth. I was ready to come forward with the truth, but I couldn't hurt Bud. Yep, the bastards just keep on screwing me," He added bitterly.
Mac sat quietly.
"I should have come forward after the attack. I should have called the police. I should have stopped them that night." The depressive affect of the alcohol compounded his feelings of hopelessness.
"I probably would have done the same thing," Mac said softly. "I don't think I could have come forward either."
"No, you would have dealt with it instead of trying to hide it."
"No one can judge what you did unless they've been there," she said adamantly.
"Sounds good in theory, but it doesn't work that way. People are going to judge; it's human nature," he replied sadly.
"You didn't judge me." She rubbed his back in little circles. "Remember how I tried to cover up my marriage to Chris and fallout from that whole ugly ordeal. You never judged me." Her brown eyes twinkled as they filled with unshed tears.
"That was different. You were young when you made that mistake and had since made a life for yourself. He was trying to destroy everything you had become."
"And how is that different from this?" She smiled through her tears.
He looked up at her with bleary eyes. "Thanks Sarah."
"Let's go make some coffee."
"I need to do something first." He took the bottle she had been holding and poured the remaining liquid on to the ground and then took the bottle and tossed it as far as he could throw it.
*****
Harm called Jack who agreed to meet with him before court the next morning. He acknowledged his recent use of alcohol to help him cope. He also told Jack that he was finally able to tell Mac about the assault.
"That's a big step. How did she respond?"
"It hurt her. She told me she was sorry. She also told me she would have probably reacted the same way I had." Harm smiled sadly. "She's pretty special."
"I picked up on that from other comments you've made. I'm glad you have another support person. You know Harm, a crisis once passed gives us an opportunity to grow if we choose. You can never return to who you were, but you can become better."
Harm slammed his fist down on the armrest of the chair. "Is this where I'm supposed to realize that the attack destroyed how I see myself! Am I supposed to have this sudden great revelation of how my male pride has made me suffer more than I should have! Or that it was the real enemy instead of those bastards who...who." He stood up suddenly and walked to the window. Without speaking he stared blankly at the street below as his breathing slowed from his outburst.
"Maybe my greatest fear is rejection." Pain was the overwhelming emotion in his tone now. Jack waited in silence allowing him time to regain control of his vacillating emotions.
"Does knowing this about myself, automatically give me a ticket to start over...to redefine who I am?" He sounded unsure. Harm then turned around and looked directly into his counselor's eyes. "God, I hate them for what they did to me."
***********
The closings were not particularly noteworthy. The prosecution strongly emphasized the evidence linking Duram to the assaults. Harm stoically delivered a closing that included all the points Bittle had outlined for him. Anyone who had ever seen Harm in action in the courtroom would have sensed the change in his style. Nevertheless, the jury now had more than enough reasonable doubt that Private Timothy Duram was guilty of the alleged crimes.
Mac gave Harm a supportive nod when he looked her way before sitting down. Captain Sebring proceeded to give the jury its instructions while Harm downed a couple of his extra strength pain reliever capsules from the bottle in his brief case. His head throbbed as he prayed silently that the jury would uphold the original conviction.
Bittle seemed optimistic and extended his hand to Harm. Ignoring the proffered gesture, Harm turned and exited the courtroom. He passed through a crowd of swarming reporters as well as the SecNav and Admiral Chegwidden, choosing to disregard them as well.
"Let's get some lunch." Mac's voice managed to penetrate the turmoil of his thoughts.
"Let's just get the hell out of here. I'm not hungry."
*******
The defendant and his two attorneys stood silently as the president of the jury panel presented their findings. "We the jury find Private Timothy Duram not guilty on three counts of felonious sexual assault."
Duram's face broke out into a large self-satisfied grin as Captain Sebring dismissed court. Harm flinched as the gavel banged and everything seemed to become a blur of activity. Bittle was shaking Duram's hand and patting his shoulder as people began to descend on the group. Duram pulled away and leaned in to Harm. Duram covertly traded Harm's bottle of Tylenol with one of equal size and number of capsules. He grinned as he grabbed Harm's hand and pumped it vigorously. "Time to party Commander? How about a little sex, drugs and rock and roll."
Harm grimaced and whispered, "It's not over Duram." He squeezed the hand tightly before jerking away.
Duram smirked. "No Commander, it's not." He nodded, before ecstatic friends and family led him away.
Mac moved quickly to intercept Harm, "What did he have to say?" She watched disgustedly as Duram exited the courtroom surrounded by excited well wishers.
"He's just ready for a little sex, drugs and rock and roll," Harm replied soberly.
***********
His headache from the morning continued to escalate, and once again he found himself digging in his briefcase for his bottle of pain relievers. Dumping a couple in his hand, he downed them with a cup of cold coffee when Sturgis appeared. "You look like I feel." The deep voice said with empathy.
Harm tossed him the bottle. "I've got a few left."
"Just took a couple, but thanks." Sturgis tossed the bottle back and sat down. "I was really coming by to check on you'" he commented with concern.
"Do I look that bad?" Harm chuckled.
"Well, do you want the truth?" Sturgis raised his eyebrows.
"No, but I know you're going to give it to me anyway."
"Harm, I don't know what's been going on with you these past months, but I suspect it has had a lot to do with the Duram case. None of us may agree with the verdict, but it's over. Why don't you take a few days, clear your head and come back with a fresh start," Sturgis suggested.
"Bud and Mac have already suggested that, but my plate though a little lighter, is still full. I'll be fine." Harm ran his hand to the back of his neck massaging the tense muscles. "I just need some fresh coffee," he added with a smile and picked up his cup. "I'm buying."
Sturgis nodded and followed the tall officer into the JAG break room. "By the way, how's the Vette running these days?"
"Like a dream. I guess it knows I don't have time for any problems. By the way, did you ever replace that antique of yours?" Harm chuckled as the two began a discussion on cars.
Harm finally made it back to his desk and looked irritably at the piles of incomplete paperwork that had accumulated. His hand trembled lightly as he picked up his coffee for another sip. "Sir, the Admiral wants to know if you finished the Jacobs file," Lt. Harriet Sims asked from his doorway.
Harm picked up a stack of files and nervously browsed through them. "I don't see it, can't it wait?" He said irritably.
"Sir, he said he needed it now," Harriet replied with a frown as Harm picked up another stack and fanned tensely through the pile. His hands visibly shook as he juggled the stack only to have them drop to the floor.
"Damn," Harm cursed and scrambled to pick them up. Harriet moved in to assist. "I've got it Lieutenant! Tell the Admiral, I will get him the freaking file as soon as I find it!"
Harriet surprised by the uncharacteristic behavior, immediately recoiled. "Yes Sir."
Harm wiped away a trickle of sweat from his forehead and continued his obsessive search for the missing file. His head was pounding and his heart was racing as his frustration continued to climb. He opened a file drawer and began to pull files out tossing them haphazardly. "It has to be here somewhere," Harm muttered and picked up the bottle of pain relievers and downed several more before moving to the next file drawer.
"Sir, I can explain to the Admiral that you can't find it," Harriet said carefully as she watched Harm take apart his office searching for the file.
"I said I would find the DAMN FILE!" Harm yelled as he continued his frantic search.
By now, he had attracted the attention of most of the staff in the bullpen. Harriet retreated helplessly and bumped into the Admiral. "What the hell is going on Lt. Sims?"
"Sir, I asked Commander Rabb about the Jacobs file, and he just kind of lost it," Harriet stuttered.
The Admiral gave a contemptuous glare at the staff as he headed towards Harm's office. "Commander?" He stood at Harm's doorway shocked by the mess. Harm had emptied out nearly every file cabinet and was tossing files about recklessly as he continued his search.
Harm had removed his uniform jacket and loosened his tie. He looked up at the Admiral with an almost murderous glare. "Sir, I'll find the *damn file*, just give me a few minutes."
"Commander, disregard the request and sit down," The Admiral ordered as he shut the door protecting them from probing eyes.
"No Sir, I can't do that. You made a request and I don't have an option. I have to carry it out come hell or high water," Harm snapped irritably, picked up several files with trembling hands, and tossed them.
"Commander, I issued you a direct order. I said to sit down." The Admiral kept his tone low and even.
"With all due respect Sir, I'm going to carry your orders completely!" Harm yelled angrily, picked up his model of a tomcat that was in his way, and threw it at the wall barely missing the Admiral. His flushed face was wet with sweat as he continued to throw anything that got in his way while muttering incoherently.
The Admiral carefully picked up the phone. "Tiner, get security and call an ambulance."
Harm laughed maniacally. "Security? I can't ever seem to please you. I know been wanting to get rid of me. You and that little snotty bastard the SecNav have been planning this," he said almost breathlessly.
The Admiral remained calm as he watched the erratic behavior of his senior officer. "Harm, I don't understand what you're talking about but I'm listening. Why don't you and I just sit down and talk." His words were firm but nonthreatening.
Sturgis and Mac suddenly appeared at the door and eased in. "Harm?" Mac said gently giving the Admiral a confused glance.
Harm's eyes darted between the officers staring at him. "You're all in on it. You're just like them. You're just trying to control me! I won't let it happen again. I won't let them touch me again." Harm backed into a corner of his office and slid to the floor wrapping his arms around his knees looking wildly around.
The Admiral stopped Mac as she attempted to move towards Harm. "Mac, he may hurt you."
The security guards appeared and one of them pulled his handcuffs from his belt. Harm's eyes widened and he screamed. "NO, NO, NO, NO." He picked up a broken piece of glass from his tirade and held it defensively. "You won't touch me this time. I'll kill you first." His hand was shaking so badly that he could barely hold his makeshift weapon.
Mac turned to the security guards. "Get out now!" The Marines looked to the Admiral for direction. "Please Sir," Mac pleaded.
"Do as she said but wait outside the door."
Mac slowly approached Harm. "Harm, it's Mac. I want to come sit with you," she said soothingly.
"Not again, not again, not again," Harm repeated absently while rocking himself. His grip on the glass was so tight that he cut himself and drops of bright red blood dripped from his hand.
Mac eased closer. Harm seemed oblivious to her presence as he continued his mantra. She finally knelt down next to him and spoke softly. "Harm, it's okay. No one is going to hurt you again." She then carefully reached out and took the sharp shard from him. He looked up at her with confused eyes. His pupils were dilated and he was breathing in short rapid breaths.
She gently stroked his head looked up at the Admiral and Sturgis. "He's burning up."
"I'll go see what's happened to that ambulance," Sturgis offered and left.
"Mac?" Harm's voice sounded confused and childlike. The Admiral took his handkerchief and bandaged the bleeding hand.
She continued gently stroking his head. "Yea Sailor, I'm right here."
"Mac, what's happening to me?" Harm's eyes rolled back as he began to seize.
The Admiral immediately loosened his shirt. "Move that chair, so he won't hurt himself and help me roll him on his side," the older officer ordered as he maintained Harm's airway.
Within minutes the paramedics arrived, stabilized Harm and aptly prepared him for transport. Barely maintaining her composure, Mac accompanied Harm as the medics quickly wheeled the stretcher away passing the stunned staff in the bullpen.
The Admiral scanned the once orderly office, which now looked like a disaster area. He then walked out into the bullpen to be met with concerned and curious eyes of the JAG staff. "Get back to work people. Lt. Sims, get Tiner and try to straighten this mess up. You can reach me at Bethesda."
**********
Everyone jumped up anxiously anticipating information about Harm's condition when the doctor appeared in the waiting room. The group of officers from JAG had been in shock by Harm's collapse following his abrupt irregular behavior. Bud Roberts could barely mask his anger and frustration. Somehow, he knew that SOB Duram had something to do with this.
The doctor looked at the worried faces before speaking, "We've got Commander Rabb stabilized. His blood pressure was at a critical high, but we administered a calcium channel blocker and got it down. His temperature was over 105 when he arrived, but it's now 102 with the help of cooling blankets and antipyretics. He stopped seizing about thirty minutes ago after we administered some diazepam and phenytoin, but I plan to keep him on anticonvulsants until we know for sure what's caused this."
"What do you suspect caused this Doctor? Does he have some sort of infection?" The Admiral quizzed.
"His initial blood work doesn't indicate any infection, but we're still running tests. We've run a drug screen just to be on the safe side, but it will be a few hours before we get the results."
"A drug screen? You think this was a drug reaction?" The Admiral asked in disbelief.
"His symptoms are consistent with either cocaine or crystal meth overdose." The doctor explained uncomfortably to the shocked group.
"That sonofabitch." Bud muttered to the confused stares of everyone but Mac.
"He'll be in the ICU for a few days. A couple of you can go see him for a few minutes, but right now he's sleeping, and I don't want him disturbed. Have you notified his family?" The doctor asked.
"His mother and stepfather are out of the country, and I'm trying to get a message to them. He has a brother that we're still trying to locate," the Admiral explained. He looked to Mac and then the others. "Let's go check on him. Why don't the rest of you go home. We'll call if there are any changes."
"I'm going back to the office and see if I can turn up anything," Sturgis replied.
"We'll keep trying to reach Sergei," Bud offered.
The heart monitor beeped at a faster than normal rate as the two officers quietly entered the cubicle. Harm's flushed sleeping face created a contrast to the whiteness of the hospital sheets. His breathing was shallow and rapid under the rebreather oxygen mask.
Mac wanted to reach out and touch him, but was mindful of the doctor's instructions, so the two stood silently watching their helpless friend until the nurse tapped them lightly on the shoulder indicating they needed to leave.
The Admiral stopped Mac before they reached the waiting area. "If the doctor's suspicions are correct, someone must have slipped Harm something, and we need to find out who and why."
Mac nodded. "Thank you Admiral."
"Thank me for what?"
"For believing that Harm wouldn't do this to himself." She smiled.
"Hell, Rabb's done some pretty stupid things before, but he wouldn't do this." The Admiral paused thoughtfully. "Mac, I know he was confused, but in his office what did you mean when you told him no one was going to hurt him again?"
"The assault a few months ago has continued to trouble him, Sir," Mac replied carefully.
The Admiral studied Mac's expression and considered what she had told him. "Why would he have such a difficult time? Palmer's been more of a nightmare," He replied not satisfied with her response. Mac flinched before she dropped her gaze hoping to prevent him from seeing the truth in her eyes.
Her look of pain did not escape his sharp eyes and a sudden realization swept through him. "Damn." He muttered sharply before walking back into the waiting area.
********
"Hey Sailor." Mac walked in a couple of days later bringing a bouquet of helium balloons. The doctor had wisely limited visitors and Mac was one of few on a short list.
Harm looked up and attempted to smile. "What's this for?"
"Thought you could use something to give you a lift, you know lighten your day." She smiled brightly trying to cover her shock from his appearance. His blood shot eyes had dark circles underneath. His hands shook so that he had difficulty pushing himself up. His deeply sad expression stood out most of all.
"You are a funny lady." He smiled at her attempted humor and looked at each of the balloons. "One even looks like a tomcat, a really fat tomcat."
"I thought you would like that one. Bud and Harriet picked out the one that says 'you're a real handy kind of guy to have around'. Sturgis picked the one with the corvette and the Admiral the one that has the syringe on it and says, 'now you know how it feels.'" She tried to joke.
"I guess I have been a real pain in the butt." His mood suddenly darkened.
Mac tied the balloons to a chair and then sat on the edge of his bed. She watched as his trembling hand rubbed the side of his forehead. She gently reached for his hand and sandwiched it between hers. The doctor had explained that he was continuing to have symptoms from the crystal meth overdose. She could feel the tremors that continued to surge through his body reminding her of those terrible moments a few days ago. "You're feeling pretty low." She acknowledged.
"I can't make them stop shaking." He pulled his hand away embarrassed by his lack of control and released a shuttering sigh, "I don't know if I can go back after what's happened."
"This wasn't your fault."
"People keep saying that." Harm looked away.
"Someone replaced your acetaminophen capsules with crank. Sturgis figured it out when he found the bottle and the lab confirmed it. He remembered seeing you take a couple, and you even offered him some. You overdosed when you took a few more when Harriet came looking for the file. Harm, you had us all so worried," She explained gently.
"Geez Harriet, I really went off on her and the Admiral," Harm groaned. He then looked at Mac anxiously. "Did I say anything about...you know?"
"Not that anyone would understand, you were not making a lot of sense," Mac replied reassuringly.
"Duram did it. The last thing he told me after the trial was that it was party time," Harm said with agitation. "I've got to stop that SOB. I can't let him hurt anyone else."
Mac frowned. "He must have wiped the container after he tampered with it. We only found yours and Sturgis's prints. But you don't need to worry about this now. We'll get him, but not today."
Harm shook his head as his raw emotions wavered ready to break. "He's just like Palmer. He keeps coming back. I'm never going to be free from them."
"Palmer's in Leavenworth and soon we'll figure a way to get Duram locked up again."
"I don't know Mac. I'm so tired of all of this." He looked at her with eyes that revealed a defenseless side of him she had never seen before. "The nightmares won't go away. I should have stopped them, Mac. Why didn't I stop them?" Trembling hands attempted to wipe away the tears that fell uncontrollably down his face. His voice reflected the overwhelming depression from the after affects of the crystal meth overdose.
"Harm, you did try. They couldn't be stopped." She said soothingly as she cradled him against her neck. His arms encircled her waist and clinging to her tightly. "You didn't do anything wrong." Her heart broke as she felt his body shutter against hers. "I'm sorry they hurt you. Right now, the drugs in your system are making you feel this way. I promise it will get better." She tried to console him as her own tears trickled down her face. Replacing her sadness, a deep rage towards the men responsible for this took over. She had never felt a greater desire to kill than she did at this moment. 'Why hadn't she realized what had happened she chided herself?' she should have seen the signs...She should have been there for him.
"Why do I feel like I'm to blame?" He mumbled in self-recrimination as she continued to hold an uncharacteristically vulnerable Harm.
Moments later, a nurse knocked quietly to bring a medication that she injected into Harm's IV. Soon he relaxed while Mac encouraged him to rest, promising not to leave while he slept.
******
Lt. Bud Roberts had verbally attacked a witness in court that day. Admiral Morris had warned him several times to back off and was ready to sanction the overly aggressive litigator if he didn't power down. He decided however to recess for the day and have Admiral Chegwidden talk with the officer.
Bud stood at attention as the Admiral chastised him for his behavior in court. "Lieutenant your behavior was unprofessional to say the least! What do you have to say for yourself?" The Admiral stood inches from his target.
"Sir, the witness was trying to blame the defendant for his own lack of judgement! The petty officer under his command had respectfully requested emergency leave and Lt. Murphy denied the request without good reason. Petty Officer Clark's brother was dying of AIDS, and he didn't want to disclose that to Murphy. Clark felt he had no choice but to go UA. Lt. Murphy is a sorry excuse for a commanding officer!" Bud ranted angrily.
The Admiral nodded in understanding. "Lt. Roberts you are displacing your anger with me on Lt. Murphy."
Bud's lips tightened but he remained speechless.
"Both you and Commander Rabb requested that he be relieved of the Duram case and I refused. Do you see the parallels?"
"Sir, permission to speak freely," Bud requested calmly.
"Go ahead Lieutenant. Get it off your chest."
"Sir, you were wrong. I can't help but feel that you are partially to blame for what happened to the Commander." Bud angrily avoided making eye contact.
"I totally agree with you Lieutenant...in hindsight. I had to make my decision based on the information that I had and what I thought was the best course of action at the time." The Admiral's tone was nonjudgmental. Bud seemed surprised by the response.
"Sir, Commander Rabb needs some unconditional support right now. I realize that you have been more than generous with me these past months and do appreciate it. It's just that I guess I understand what it's like to feel that your life has been turned upside down. I've had to work on reestablishing my balance in more ways than just physically," He responded in his typical gentle Bud like manner.
"I'll keep that in mind, Bud. Now go a little easier on Lt. Murphy and let the court decide what to do with the petty officer. Remember the panel is made up of peers. Give them credit for being human," The Admiral replied.
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