Author: Nancy
Disclaimer: Don't own JAG or characters. Don't make profit.
Classification: Drama H/M.
Rating: PG
Summary: Follows the events of season nine's Persian Gulf. Mac works
to recover from her posttraumatic stress experience with Sadeq and
her frustrating relationship with Webb. Although Harm's hearing is
restored, his relationships with Mac, the Admiral and Mattie continue
to be strained. Add up all the year's stressors for each of our
characters, and it will be a contest to see who will show no weakness.
PART 4
The drive to the hospital was a blur for Harm as he fought off images of Mattie's young face bloodied and pale from the accident. Never had he felt so totally helpless than now.
The Admiral was wise enough not to offer any reassuring clichés but quietly supported Harm who appeared to be barely holding it together while Jennifer sat in the back seat with tears of fear trickling down her face.
The moment they arrived at the busy emergency department, Harm was met with the tall dark police officer, Jules Ishee.
"Commander, I found you listed as one of the girl's contact person's, Mattie Grace. That's correct isn't it?" he spoke kindly as he pointed Harm in the direction of a more secluded waiting area.
"I need to find out how she it," Harm's eyes dilated and his face became two shades lighter.
The Admiral stepped forward sensing that the news would not be good, "I'm AJ Chegwidden, Harm's commanding officer. Can I be of assistance?"
"First let me assure you Harm, that Mattie is alive and receiving the best care by the doctors as we speak," Jules spoke again in his calming deep voice, "Let's go sit over here, "Yes, Admiral I think your presence would be good and you are?" he looked at Jennifer who was trailing along.
"I'm Jennifer Coates, I'm Mattie's room mate and I work with them," she replied nervously.
"I need to see Mattie," Harm repeated looking around for the entrance to the treatment area.
"Harm, I believe what the officer is trying to tell you is that the doctors are still treating Mattie and that as soon as they get her stabilized you will be allowed to see her," the Admiral spoke firmly but gently getting through to his upset officer.
The group settled into the room and Harm looked at Jules in anticipation as the officer began to report, "Harm it seems according to two of the girls that were riding in the back seat of the vehicle. That they agreed to go to eat after a volleyball game at a place called Planet's. The driver of the vehicle," Jules looked down at his notes, "Tanya Patterson apparently met up with someone and according to the other passengers Kim Banks and Amy Wells appeared to have become impaired and unable to drive them home."
"I don't understand, Mattie was supposed to go straight home after the game," Harm interrupted rubbing his head.
"You'll have to talk with her about that later," Jules replied gently and continued, "Anyway, according to Amy and Kim they were going to call someone to come get them, but Mattie was afraid to leave Tanya in her condition with the boy at that place. They put her in the passenger front seat because she was giving them a hard time about leaving and seat belted her in the car. Mattie said she could drive," Jules paused as Harm closed his eyes and moaned.
"I've told her I didn't want her driving in DC. She's been driving without a license in Virginia since she was fourteen," he said biting his lip.
Jules continued, "Apparently Tanya became a little rowdy and grabbed the wheel. Mattie tried to regain control of the vehicle but they ran off the road and flipped. Fortunately the car is equipped with airbags front and back and everyone was wearing seatbelts."
Mac, Bud, Harriet and Sturgis stood at the doorway listening as the officer completed his report to Harm.
"What about the other girls?" Harm asked softly.
"Cuts and abrasions mostly," Jules replied solemnly. "Mattie got the worst of it because of the steering wheel was forced up into the driver's seat when the car landed."
Tanya Patterson's father came bursting through the group about that time, "There you are! What the hell kind of father do you think you are allowing your daughter or what every she is to go around driving MY daughter's car without a license! She could have killed them all! You will be hearing from my lawyer before this is all over!" he ranted.
Harm stood up in anger but suddenly feeling an overwhelming guilt for the situation. His mouth closed. His guilt he realized was not directed at Mattie's mistake, but that she didn't feel like she could call him when she was faced with the situation.
Jules was intervening, "Mr. Patterson, emotions are high at the moment. Why don't I just escort you where Tanya is waiting. We'll sort this all out later," he spoke calmly, but giving no room for argument.
Jennifer Coates stood up and spoke angrily, "Mr. Patterson, you may want to tell your lawyer that Mattie has a valid and legal driver's license. I'm sure that the alcohol levels have been checked on all the girls and Mattie's will come out just fine. Remember law suits can go both ways!" she added as the two men walked away.
Jennifer turned around feeling self satisfied only to meet Harm's look of confusion. Her mouth dropped open, "Sir, I thought you knew."
"Jen, this is the first that I knew about Mattie having a driver's license."
The rest of the JAG crew stood around watching in interest as the scenario played out.
"Sir, you know I'm a notary and Mattie brought the papers to have a driver's license by exception. You signed the papers yourself," Jennifer prompted.
"When?" Harm asked, "I don't remember. I think I would recall something like that."
"Sir, it was maybe a month ago. She brought the papers by the office. You didn't sign them in front of me, but it was your signature. Mattie said that since you were having problems with your diabetes that she needed to be able to drive in case an emergency came up. It seemed reasonable…so I thought," Jennifer looked at Harm who closed his eyes and reached for the bridge of his nose to squeeze away the tension.
"Diabetes?" Bud's voice was the only thing Harm heard after that.
"I need to find the doctor and find out what the hell is going on with Mattie," Harm responded and left the group in the waiting area.
Harm managed to find his way to outside the room where Mattie was being treated. He stood watching through a glass window as the staff busily watched monitors and pushed medications into lines that snaked into her pale body. He could see a dressing with a red stain above her left eyebrow. Her left arm had a splint.
"How are you holding up?"
"Oh God, Mac how could I have screwed up so badly," his voice was tremulous.
Her hand reached for his and their fingers intertwined, "I'm not sure I follow?" Mac asked gently.
"Mattie's been worried about me lately with this diabetes. She got into a situation and instead of calling me, she went back to her old ways of trying to handle things all alone. She's never going to get to be a kid. I just hope I get a chance to help her learn to lean on me a little," his voice was breaking as he let his tears fall.
Mac thought how much Mattie was like Harm. He hated to let others know when he needed help. Now his secret was out thanks to Jennifer and he would be getting more support from Bud and Harriet as well as Sturgis. She thought of telling him that but instead she spoke from her heart.
"Harm, I wish I would have had someone like you around when I was her age," Mac responded as her own tears formed. Thoughts of her own accident as a teen floated in her mind. She had never realized how much Harm reminded her of her Uncle Matt.
Mattie's eyes blinked open as she began to come around. The staff began to talk to her, but Harm darted into the room.
"Sir, you need to let the doctors do their work," one of the nurse's spoke.
"But I'm her guardian," Harm explained.
"It is okay, you're Commander Rabb," a doctor said as he walked up to Harm and introduced himself.
"I'm Dr. Morrison, Mattie's got a small concussion and a fractured humerus or upper arm bone that we need to take her to surgery to reduce. Overall she was very lucky. Why don't you spend a little time with her before we take her on up to surgery? The nurses will have some additional consent forms for you to sign," he said before he left.
Mac continued to watch from the window as Harm finally made his way over to Mattie and knelt down so he could be face to face with his daughter by choice.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" Harm's words were soft and gentle as he carefully stroked the uninjured side of her head.
"Hurts," Mattie's face clouded up as tears welled up in her eyes.
"I'm sorry, but the doctor is going to take you to surgery and repair that arm. You'll sleep a good bit after that," Harm kept his voice soft.
"I'm sorry Harm," Mattie sobbed.
"You were trying to protect your friend," Harm continued to stroke her hair gently.
"I shouldn't have been driving. You asked me not to," Mattie looked sadly at Harm.
"I worry about you. I don't want anything to happen to you," Harm replied.
"What about the others are they okay?" Mattie frowned.
"Everyone else has probably already gone home by now. Just some scrapes and bruises," Harm reassured.
"I have a driver's license," Mattie confessed. "I put it with the forms for you to sign about my travel with the volleyball team. You were trying to get ready for court and didn't read them all. I told Jennifer that you were okay with the idea. I'm sorry. I just wanted to have it in case I needed it for an emergency," Mattie licked her lips.
"I know, Jennifer explained," Harm paused and thought before he spoke, "Mattie, we are a family, you and me. We have to work on communicating with each other better," Harm looked down sadly, "I wasn't very honest with you either about my diabetes, I'm sorry. We've been so busy trying to protect each other that we've managed to miss out on something important in this relationship."
"What's that?" Mattie asked.
"Trust," Harm smiled weakly.
The nurse walked over and touched Harm's shoulder. "Mattie I think it's time for you to go to surgery. We'll talk some more, when you feel better. I promise."
"Harm!"
"Will you walk with me up to surgery?" Mattie grabbed his hand.
"Wild horses couldn't tear me away," Harm took her uninjured hand and walked with her as the nurses pushed the gurney down the hallway.
Mac watched as Harm escorted Mattie and felt a deep loneliness grow inside. She couldn't make herself pull away from the sight until the elevator doors closed and a voice broke her reverie.
"What did the doctor say?" Admiral Chegwidden's voice made her blink back to real time.
"She has a broken upper arm and a concussion. They are taking her to surgery to reduce the fracture. She should be alright. I'm not so sure about Harm. I think he's due for a melt down any time now," she added with a smile.
"I guess you're going to stick around to pick him up and make sure he remembers to take care of himself?" the Admiral added with a small chuckle.
Mac grinned, "It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it."
"While your at it, you better prepare him for the fall out about not informing certain friends of his about his diabetes. I think they will give him a little reprieve for the moment because of Mattie. But he will be facing the music," the Admiral added with raised eyebrows.
"I guess we all have had a few painful issues that we haven't been able to discuss with our work family as of late, Sir," Mac added without smiling.
"Touché' Colonel," the Admiral replied tightly knowing he was referring to Meredith.
************
Mac sat looking at the bottle of Taaka's with the lone glass on her coffee table. The rain continued to pour and sweep against her window. She had tried to call Clay, but had received his answering machine giving it's bland message that he would be unavailable for an undisclosed amount of time.
Her latest crisis had been brought on by a flashback of her final night with Sadik. She was shopping and music from a small ethic café took her to the place where her nightmare began. Although it was daytime, the street became dark, and she felt disoriented as memories took over for a few minutes.
"Ma'am are you alright?" a concerned bystander stopped and asked seeing her state of distress.
Mac blinked back to the present and replied, "Yes, I was a little confused. I must have taken the wrong street. I was searching for Hillsdale," she lied.
The bystander quickly redirected her, and she clutched her bags quickly heading away from the music and back towards her car. Her hands trembled as she tried to open the door to the vehicle and decided she needed to calm herself before she drove home. Spotting a bar she threw her bags inside the car, locked it and moved towards the building.
She stayed the entire afternoon stirring the melting ice of a club soda before she decided to stop at the adjoining liquor store and make a purchase. The sky was growing dark as a storm was gathering. She attempted to call Clay, but again received his answering machine.
The thunder boomed as she wrapped the throw tighter around herself and continued to stare at the unopened bottle. She picked up her phone debating whether to call Dr. McCool. She put the cell phone back down. She should be able to handle this.
Her thoughts wondered back to her last session with McCool...
"What have you decided to do?"
"I've thought about how I see the men in my life. I realize that maybe I've been trying to fill some void that my father didn't give me," Mac smiled.
"Little girls try to marry their fathers?" McCool smiled back.
"Well maybe I've tried the antithesis of that. I've tried not to marry my father. I always felt rejected. So when a guy says he wants me...I'm available."
"I hear a but in there."
"I still want things my father didn't give me like unconditional love," Mac reached up and wiped a tear from her face.
"You don't believe that your current relationship with Clay is providing you with this?"
"Let me put it to you this way...I don't know because he's not available," Mac smiled painfully.
Mac sighed as the thunder boomed again bringing her back to the present. She picked up the phone and pleaded to the device, "Please be home." Again she heard the message.
"You grew up in a home where your parents were unavailable because of the alcoholism and abuse," McCool stated as Mac reverted to her memory of the session.
"Yea, I think that was the worst part of all...the neglect. I was left to my own devices, and I as a result I got pretty wild. Consequently, I experienced some pretty bad situations. If it weren't for my Uncle Matt," Mac paused.
"So you did have a good father figure who stepped in," McCool noted.
"Yea, he was my hero on many levels. He was responsible for my drying up and becoming a Marine. Most importantly, he was there when I desperately needed someone. He loved me at my worst and at my best," Mac spoke affectionately.
"Harm is so much like Uncle Matt. I never realized that until now," she said aloud not really talking to McCool.
"You mention Harm often," McCool observed.
The lights flickered on in her apartment.
"You inspire me," Harm's words echoed in Mac's mind as she looked at the bottle. Images of him holding Mattie's hand as they walked down the hospital corridor floated in her mind's eye.
She reached for it and the glass and walked to her kitchen. Opening it she inhaled the odor and then tipped the bottle pouring the contents down the sink and dropped the empty container in her trash. "No Harm, you inspire me."
"Well, what about your relationship with Harm?" Dr. McCool asked.
"I guess I would say he's the father I wish I had. He's the man I know I love with all my heart, and I don't know if I have what it takes to marry a man like him...I'm scared and confused."
"Well, you are starting to admit your true feelings instead of hiding from them. That's a start," the counselor smiled.
Mac picked up her phone once again in her dismal kitchen and dialed, "Hey, was the power out over there too? Well I was wondering if you two are up to pizza and monopoly. I'll bring the pizza," she smiled, "I know, I know half meat lovers, half veggie only. Be over in forty-five."
Epilogue
Harm strolled into his office after a two week family emergency leave and dropped his briefcase and cover on his desk. Harriet Sims tapped gently at his door, "Welcome back Sir. How is Mattie?"
"Thanks Harriet, much better. She's back in school. Not happy with the cast, but she'll live. By the way, she really liked the DVDs you guys sent."
"I know. She wrote the nicest thank you card. You are raising a very considerate young woman, Commander," Harriet smiled. "I also wanted to let you know I baked some special muffins. They are the lemon, but I made them with sugar substitute. My aunt sent me the recipe. She says they count as one of the bread exchanges on ADA diet exchange list," Harriet added, "Besides, Bud could stand to drop a few pounds."
"Thanks Harriet," Harm chuckled.
As Harriet left she almost ran into Bud who brought in a stack of files and started dropping them on Harm's desk. "Sir, I'm sure you are dealing with the Medical Review Board. I took the liberty to find some cases similar to yours that may help."
"Bud, about not telling you about the diabetes thing," Harm winced.
"Sir, of all the people, I'm the one person you don't have to explain how you must have felt. I'm just glad you didn't develop a disease like Alzheimer's. I still depend on you for guidance and to help me problem solve," Bud smiled remembering the encouraging words Harm and given him in his darker days of dealing with his amputation.
"I hope I don't have to challenge the board's decision, but if I do. I will need a good attorney...so keep your calendar free," Harm smiled back.
"Harm!" Sturgis stepped inside the office. "I understand you will be the judge on the Lambert trial. Lambert is an aviator. Are you sure you can be objective on this one?"
"You must be prosecuting," Harm shook his head.
"Did I say that?" Sturgis raised both eyebrows.
"How much longer do I have to serve on judiciary?" Harm rubbed his eyes, "Don't tell me Mac is on this case too?"
"You got it," Sturgis chuckled, "Good to have you back."
***********
Meredith's eyes met the Admiral's for the first time in months. She watched as a multitude of emotions fleeted across his face before he settled on a mask of indifference.
"Umm," he cleared his throat before he spoke, "won't you come on in," he nodded towards his sofa in his office.
She continued to clutch the manila folder tightly to her chest as she walked in the familiar surroundings, "How are you doing AJ?"
"Fine and you?"
"Fine," she tried to relax her tight smile and then eased down on to the sofa.
"I just came by to share something, an essay. A very talented high school student wrote it. I was asked to help judge this essay contest, and I came across this one...Her grammar and structure isn't the greatest but..." she broke off and handed it to AJ.
AJ read the piece and looked back at Meredith. "I wasn't there for you was I?"
"Maybe I expected too much," Meredith responded.
"I said all the right words, I just didn't follow up did I?" AJ frowned at his own insight.
"Please pass this along to the right person. I think he would appreciate reading it," Meredith said with a small sad smile and stood.
"Meredith, would you like to have dinner sometimes?"
What Is A Hero?
Often when one thinks of a hero, the images of our forefathers, military leaders, astronauts and even movie stars come to mine. This assignment however, is based on our personal experiences so here goes. I just happen to know a real red blooded officially recognized hero. He's received medals and everything for his acts of heroism. When I first met him, I even thought he looked the hero type. He's tall, good looking not to mention smart. However, that is not what makes him my hero.
He is my hero because he took a chance on me. So many people in my life walked past me not seeing how much I needed help, mostly because I did a great job of hiding that fact. My hero used his super human abilities to discover that I needed some assistance, but he didn't just notify some agency to take care of me. He took me on personally without asking for anything in return. You see that is what heroes do, they sacrifice for others without expecting anything in return.
It would be great to think that I am a lovable sort, but the truth is I can be very difficult. My hero cares for me despite my flaws. I know this because he shows me every day, by trying to be the best father-figure he can, something he's never done before. Heroes take risks.
The last test of a true hero is sincerity. Recently I made a major mistake that would have made most parents ready to terminate their offspring, but my hero's primary concern was for me first. I'm not even his real offspring. It's been a long time since someone put me first. Oh and trust me, the secondary concerns were later dealt with, and one day I'll have a social life again. Much as most people like to think heroes are not totally reckless.
My hero didn't behave this way because of a long pattern of saving the world. Lately his personal world hasn't been the greatest. He's my hero because he thinks of me before he thinks of himself. I believe that was how he won those medals in the first place. A hero doesn't have to be the bravest, smartest, strongest person in the world who happened to be placed in the right situation at the right time. Heroes just take the situation given to them and place someone else ahead of themselves...I think some people call that love. I may be prejudiced, but I do think my hero is the bravest, smartest, strongest person in the world, and I'm glad he happened into my world at the right time.
The end
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