Author: Nancy
Disclaimer: Don't own JAG or characters. Don't make profit.
Classification: Drama H/M.
Rating: PG
Summary: Follows the events of season nine's Persian Gulf. Mac works
to recover from her posttraumatic stress experience with Sadeq and
her frustrating relationship with Webb. Although Harm's hearing is
restored, his relationships with Mac, the Admiral and Mattie continue
to be strained. Add up all the year's stressors for each of our
characters, and it will be a contest to see who will show no weakness.
PART 3
Harm dropped Mattie off at the youth center where she made her way into the room designated for the weekly meeting of Alateens.
"Hi my names Chris welcome to our little group," a tall thin black guy with large white teeth greeted Mattie.
"I'm Mattie,"
"Well if you've come from a home where someone used and abused then you are at the right place girlfriend," Chris smiled and directed her into the room.
Mattie looked back at the door and Chris spoke again, "Mattie, here's the place to get it out and get honest. No more pretending to be stronger than you are..."
********
Harm parked his Corvette and took out the directions to the meeting location. Room B-6. He almost ran into Mac as he intently studied the long list of signs that directed him to the correct building at the Bethesda Medical complex.
"Hey, didn't expect to run into you here?" Harm chuckled a little nervously as he crumpled the card in his hand.
"I was just coming back for a follow up meeting with that counselor," Mac responded hesitantly. "You?"
"Oh I have a diabetic education class. I have to learn how to be a diabetic," he replied lamely, "No let me take that back," he drew in a deep breath. "I'm learning how to control this disease that I have. I come two nights a week."
"Good for you," Mac smiled seeing the confidence in his eyes. She dropped her gaze and then looked back, "I decided I have some unresolved issues to deal with about my past."
Harm smiled warmly at her, "You always amaze me."
Mac smiled giving him a bewildered look, "Me?"
"You go through hell and back. Then you manage to pick your self up and do the right thing. You inspire me you know that," Harm stuck his hands into his pockets and smiled sheepishly.
"Harm, that was nice of you to say that, and I wish it were true, but lately I've walked closer to the darker side of my life. I can't say that I'm proud of it," Mac looked distressed.
"I didn't mean to upset you Mac," Harm reached out and touched her arm gently. "I also didn't mean to belittle what you've gone through and lately I haven't been the most patient person to be around. I guess what I'm trying to say is in spite of all that, you know yourself well enough to realize when you need help and that it's okay to get it. You may have fought the idea for a while, but in the end, you still figured it out. It's that inner strength in you that amazes me."
"That's funny because that's how I would describe you. Stubborn as hell, but able to back down when you need to..."
"Need to or have to?" He looked at her without smiling.
Together they walked away from the building and looked up into the darkening sky.
"You feel like God is playing a little joke on you?" Mac smiled a smile that was not intended to be funny.
"I thought so at first. Maybe I'm still thinking that he's trying to test my metal or something...I'm supposed to be strong all the time," Harm looked up at the stars in the sky.
"Show no weakness...yea I can relate, but it still gets a little old," Mac drew in a deep breath.
"I read where only in our weaknesses can we understand God's true strength in our lives. For every crisis I've lived through I've come away stronger, and I just have to trust that this time will be the same even though right now I'm not feeling 100% convinced," Harm smiled softly.
"The counselor said that our feelings will often follow our actions. We may not feel happy or confident, but if we get up, go to work, address our colleagues with a smile that those feelings of happiness and confidence will often follow," Mac added.
"I'm still struggling with my believes after my experience with Sedik. His mindset and beliefs in Allah were so twisted it was frightening." Mac's voice broke slightly as she shivered involuntarily.
Harm automatically pulled her close and held her in his arms. It was an embrace meant to comfort and protect. Mac closed her eyes and let some tears she had held back trickle down her face and soon she was sobbing.
Moments later she sniffled away the last of her tears as he handed her a handkerchief. "Thanks, I think I needed a caring shoulder to cry on more than anything. I feel like this little girl dressed up in this uniform sometimes. The uniform hides all my insecurities and no one can see how truly frightened I really am."
"I can relate," he whispered looking into her eyes for a long moment before she glanced awkwardly at his watch. "I guess we'd better get to our appointments," he took the hint with a smile.
"Yea," Mac smiled in return.
"You gonna be okay for now?"
"Yea," Mac nodded at his tender look of concern.
"You can keep the handkerchief," he teased looking at the damp white handkerchief wadded in her hand.
"Harm, you want to do lunch tomorrow?"
"Yea, I'd like that. I'll tell you all about an ADA diet," he added over his shoulder as they separated.
"Does this mean you eat meat now?" she called out to his back.
She could hear his sarcastic laugh in the distance.
"Harm when did you get to be so special," she whispered to the night as she turned and walked to her counselor's office.
********
Dr. McCool listened attentively as Mac bounced back and forth about her past failed relationships with men and her current relationship with a man that she referred to interchangeably as Clay and Webb.
"I find it interesting that you refer to the man you are currently in an intimate relationship by his first name and at other times by his last," the counselor observed and waited for Mac's response.
"Oh, that can easily be explained," Mac smiled. "When I first met Webb, Clay, it was just after I came on board at JAG headquarters and met Harm." Mac smiled as the images of their first encounter came to mind.
"I see you smiling, tell me about that encounter," the counselor wanted to draw on Mac's more positive memories with men.
"I met him in a rose garden if you can believe it. He had received a medal from the President. What I was smiling about was the look on his face! I didn't realize that I was the spitting image of an old girlfriend of his who he probably thought had come back from the grave," Mac explained.
"I'm not sure I understand how that relates to why you call him Webb sometimes and Clay at others. Does Clay still find it awkward that you look like this old girlfriend who I assume by your remark is deceased?"
"Oh no, not Clay! I was talking about Harm. Harm has been my partner at JAG for eight years. I look like his old girlfriend, but we've worked past that. I met Webb that same day. We were assigned to an investigation together," Mac tried to clarify.
"You and Webb er Clay?"
"Yes, actually Harm and I and Clay. Clay was actually using me at the time. We just called him Webb. I guess it just sort of stuck all these years," Mac chuckled.
"I find it interesting that you chose the words 'using me' to describe beginnings of relationship with this man. How did your relationship evolve into its current status?"
Mac made that funny little twitch with her mouth before speaking, "Webb asked me to help him out with another assignment. I can't discuss the details. Anyway, I posed as his pregnant wife. We got into some trouble and almost got killed." Mac's voice faded as she recalled the events in South America.
"So he 'used' you again?" the counselor pointed out carefully.
"It wasn't like that. It was an assignment. Part of his work. I agreed to help," Mac paused and proceeded slowly, "We were captured by some very evil people and Clay was tortured to protect me."
"That must have been a very traumatic experience for you both,"
"We almost didn't make it out alive. We wouldn't have if Harm wouldn't have arrived when he did," Mac let out a deep slow breath.
"Harm was on this assignment with you also?"
"No...anyway Webb and I grew very close, I guess as a result of this experience, and he admitted that he had these feelings for me," Mac had been looking at a small statue of a bird on the counselor's coffee table.
"What were your feelings for Webb up until he confessed his feelings for you?"
"I'm not sure what you're asking?"
"You told me that you agreed to go with him as part of a work assignment. Was there more to this? Did you two have a deeper relationship prior to this occasion?"
"We were friends. Harm and Webb were friends in an odd sort of way although you would never get either to admit it, but I think they have a mutual respect for one another. I guess initially I became friends through association."
"Through Harm?"
"Yes."
"So you really didn't consider any serious relationship with Webb until he suggested it?"
Mac shrugged her shoulders, "I never thought about it like that, but I guess not."
"Tell me more about your relationship with Harm. You bring him up quite often."
Mac stared at the bird on Dr. McCool's coffee table lost in thought...
"He's my best friend," Mac replied spontaneously. "We fight like cats and dogs in and out the courtroom. He's the first person I would turn to in a crisis and I believe he feels the same way. We've worked together and had what I would consider a real relationship longer than I've had with anyone including my parents. I say that because my parents as I explained before never really had a relationship with me. He's seen me at my worst and at my best, and he still accepts me. I'd nearly lost him when he crashed his tomcat a few years ago and all I could think about was I've overcome a lot in my life, but I don't think I could overcome this," Mac spoke without pause.
The counselor eased back into her chair and uncrossed her legs, "You've had no intimate relationship with Harm?"
"No, I offered once," Mac half smiled remembering Sidney Harbor. "We work together. Can't change who we are can we?" Mac added with a sad chuckle.
"So he's unavailable?"
Mac didn't respond immediately, "He's not married or seeing someone. He's recently taken on the guardianship of a fifteen year of girl. That surprised me because he's doing a damn good job of balancing work and single dad responsibilities considering...I always thought he was too self-centered to reach beyond his own needs. It's not like he's selfish. He cares so much for those like him..."
"Like him?"
"Harm's father was MIA when he was five. Harm spent most of his life up until about five years ago looking for his dad. We found out his dad died in Russia. I think he has a heart for kids without a parent," Mac smiled softly.
"You find that trait attractive in a man?"
"I think being a good parent is the most important job on earth. It's more important than being a Marine or a pilot or a doctor or--or anything! I respect what it takes to be a parent...one day I would love the chance to take a young life and nurture that young person," Mac spoke dreamily.
"What are your plans with Webb?" Dr. McCool questioned Mac who picked up the ceramic bird and outlined the wings with her fingertip.
"We haven't gotten that far in our relationship, he stays gone in his...line of work," Mac answered cryptically.
"I see."
"I hate when you say that," Mac spat.
"I think your feelings of anger are misdirected Sarah," the counselor replied calmly.
"Good volley Counselor! You think I'm angry with Webb because he's gone all the time, and I'm taking it out on you!"
"That's possible," the counselor again replied calmly.
"What else do you think?"
"I think you are feeling very ambivalent about your relationship with Clay. You want to care about him in the way that you care about your partner, Harm. Clay is available intimately in a way that Harm is not, but Clay is not Harm. Clay is also not available in other ways that Harm is to you. You obviously care for both men, but I sense that you are not making the choices in your relationships. You wait for the man to make all the moves whether you believe them to right for you are not," the counselor pointed out.
"So you think that I'm only with Clay because he asked me?"
"Have you ever been in a relationship with a man that you initiated Mac?"
"I tried with Harm once, but he rejected me!"
"You told me he has always been around at your worst and best. I'm hearing contradictory messages from you...Have you always accepted dates on the first invitation?"
"So I should just throw my relationship away with Webb to go after Harm who is the most relationship phobic man I've ever known!"
"What I'm suggesting is that you identify your real feelings about who you really love and stop trying to make yourself love someone because they say they love you first. It takes two to make a relationship work. Not one no matter how good the intentions."
"What if Harm doesn't love me?" Mac had tears running down her face by now.
"Life is full of risks Mac. Would you like to go through life without ever finding out how he feels? Could you live the rest of your life wondering? When you described your relationship with Harm and you said you nearly lost him, you said you didn't think you could overcome that. Well you need to find out, once and for all, if he loves you like you love him. If he does then life is just about to get more interesting. If he doesn't then you can grieve and start to heal, but you will know. Clay or Webb probably deserves to know before the two of you go any further in this relationship."
Mac grasped the ceramic bird frowning...
"Sarah? I lost you there for a moment," Dr. McCool smiled as Mac looked up and smiled.
"I'm sorry. What did you say?"
"Tell me more about your relationship with Harm. You bring him up quite often," Dr. McCool waited for Mac to respond.
"We're good friends, that's all," she replied and sighed.
***********
"What do you suppose is going on with the Commander?" Harriet asked her husband in the break room of JAG headquarters.
"Why did you ask that?" Bud responded while picking up one of the pecan sandies Harriet sat on the counter next to the coffeepot.
"I know I've been out of the loop, staying home with the kids lately, but you said the Commander hadn't been feeling well. So I baked him some of his favorite cookies and brought them by," Harriet sighed.
"Well, that was thoughtful honey," Bud smiled.
"He didn't even try one, he suggested that I put them in here so everyone could share them," Harriet frowned.
"Maybe he's upset because the Admiral's moved him off some pretty important cases," Bud said with a mouthful of cookie.
"You didn't tell me that," Harriet replied clearly shocked. "What else haven't you told me?"
"Good morning Sir, Ma'am," Jennifer Coates greeted the pair and smiled as she spied the cookies, "Those look great! Did you bake them Lieutenant?"
"Yes and help your self. I made them for Commander Rabb, but he wasn't interested in them," Harriet's voice betrayed her frustration.
"Oh?" Jennifer looked a little too innocent for Harriet's suspicious eye.
"Okay, spill it petty officer," the blonde officer demanded.
"Maybe the Commander has other things on his mind," Jennifer backpedaled like Bud had earlier.
"Like what?"
"He's going to be serving on the judiciary while Admiral Morris is on leave," Jennifer replied wondering if she had volunteered too much information.
"Really?" both Roberts spoke.
"I didn't think that the Commander really liked serving as a judge," Bud was surprised as the latest scuttlebutt.
"I wonder why the Admiral would assign Harm and not the Colonel. She seemed to have a knack for it," Harriet added.
"A knack for what?" Sturgis asked as he joined the group, "Are those homemade cookies I smell?"
"Help yourself Commander," Harriet replied.
"Commander Rabb's going to replace Admiral Morris," Bud added.
"Really, I didn't think Harm cared for the judiciary side of JAG after his last experience," Sturgis's eyebrows shot up.
"Interesting scuttlebutt Lieutenants, Commander, Petty Officer?" the Admiral asked as he walked in immediately squelching the gossip session.
"Have a cookie Sir," Harriet smiled.
"I believe I will and if you haven't heard. Commander Rabb will be replacing Admiral Morris while he takes leave. So I hope you haven't done anything to tick him off lately or I'm sure you'll pay in the courtroom," the Admiral smiled and left them standing uncomfortably in the small room.
Meanwhile back in Harm's office Mac knocked before entering to find him clearing the remaining files off his desk.
"It must be true then,"
"Wasn't my idea," Harm chuckled mirthlessly. "It was that or review naval contracts for the rest of the year."
"At least you get some courtroom action," Mac sat in the chair facing his desk.
"I get to watch the action and try not to tick off any of my colleagues," Harm raised an eyebrow.
"So what have you heard from the Medical Review Board?"
"Nothing, I think everything is backlogged with all the military action with Enduring Freedom. The longer it takes the better for me to get everything under control. The Admiral felt that I would have more control this way," Harm smiled as he explained, "He didn't exactly put it that way, "I could call recesses when I needed them. Maintain a routine of lunch hours. Go home on time every day." Harm stacked a pile of papers, placed them in a folder, and passed them to Mac.
"This could be a good thing?"
Harm stopped his busy movements, sat back in his chair and rubbed his forehead, "I'm trying to see the good in this situation. Right now I just feel like I'm flying with the automatic pilot that's stuck on and I can't do anything about it."
"You'll be home every night for Mattie."
"That's the only thing I've managed to put in the pro column," he chuckled.
"But it is a big thing," she offered with a hopeful smile.
"I wrote it down more than once," he grinned.
"You will get to order me, Sturgis and Bud around in court again," she smiled even bigger.
"Oh, and that should be fun. I'll have you in the Admiral's office crying foul play every fifteen minutes," Harm rolled his eyes.
"Will not."
"Every ten minutes then."
"Only if you aren't playing fair."
"I always play fair."
"Since when?"
"Ask Coates, whenever I play with Mattie. I always play fair." Harm grinned clearly enjoying their playful banner.
"So you don't want to be a bad example for her. I can buy that, but with us...all is fair in love and war," Mac retorted.
"And just what is it between us anyway?" Harm quizzed with a smile.
"Commander, the Admiral would like to see you," Petty Officer Coates interrupted and promptly left the pair.
"I know one thing," Mac added as she left.
"What is that," Harm asked as he stood.
"I don't know what you're blood sugar levels have been lately, but they are definitely not elevated," she added with a smirk and pranced off leaving him shaking his head.
********
After the volleyball game, Mattie walked out of the gym with Amy, Kim and one of the upper classmen Tanya. The girls were pumped after winning two games straight against a rival local team and were chattering away about an upcoming game.
"I'll give you guys a ride home," Tanya offered. She gestured towards her new RX8 parked in the student lot. "The game ended early so we could go by Planet and get something to eat before we go home, my treat!"
"I don't know," Mattie replied.
"Come on Mattie, Planet's a great place. Some really hot guys hang out," Amy pleaded.
"We will get home by six," Mattie asked as she began to cave in to the urgings Amy.
"Sure, no problem," Tanya smiled, "Let's go celebrate!"
******
Harm had been pleasantly surprised that he found serving as a judge more interesting and less stressful than his last term. He found himself enjoying watching how Bud had grown in his abilities within the courtroom. He now realized that some of the cutthroat antics that he was accused of could be seen in his coworkers especially Mac and to his surprise Sturgis. This was indeed an eye opening experience.
*******
The music was loud and the lights were incredible. Mattie and her friends Kim and Amy didn't realize the time passed so quickly until Kim looked down at her watch. "Mattie, it's almost 5:30. If Tanya is going to get us all home, we need to leave now."
Mattie began to search the place and finally found their driver wrapped up with a guy Mattie didn't recognize from school, "Tanya, it's time to leave."
"Wwhattt?" Tanya's slurred voice startled Mattie.
"Tanya, you've been drinking!" Mattie accused angrily.
"Lighten up Mattie, I'm just having a little fun with Josh," Tanya giggled.
"We're going home," Mattie turned to leave, but changed her mind and pulled her friend away from the strange guy.
Kim and Amy helped Mattie guide Tanya back to the sporty car. "What are we gonna do? I can't drive," Amy whined.
"Don't look at me," Kim added.
"Just get in and buckle up, I can get us to Tanya's house. Then we'll call someone to pick us up. I just don't want to leave Tanya here with Gropie George in there," Mattie pushed a reluctant Tanya into the passenger seat and buckled her into the seat.
"I didn't know you have a driver's license Mattie," Kim spoke up from the back seat.
"I've been driving for a while," Mattie replied not exactly lying to her friend and hoping Harm wouldn't find out.
********
Court was running late because of the backlog of cases and Harm had decided to let Mac finish presenting all her witnesses when Admiral Chegwidden stepped inside the courtroom and handed the Marine guard a note.
Harm looked at his watch realizing it was late and wondered if the Admiral was calling time on him as the guard approached the bench and handed him the note.
Mac finished with her witness and Harm asked if Sturgis had any further questions for the witness when he opened the note. His face paled and he dropped the gavel, "I'm sorry, but court is dismissed for today, we will resume tomorrow at 1000."
He then stood up and almost raced out of the courtroom to Mac and Sturgis's surprise. Both quickly followed
*******
The Admiral and Jennifer Coates were waiting. "What happened," Harm was asking his voice panicky.
Mac and Sturgis stood behind him as Jennifer explained. "Sir, I received a call from Memorial, Mattie and three other girls were just brought in after a motor vehicle accident. Apparently Mattie was driving. Alcohol was involved," Jennifer managed to report, but her words grew shaky as she said the last few words.
"What?" Harm tried to understand what he had just been told, but it didn't make sense.
"Commander, come on. I'll drive you and the Petty Officer to Memorial. We'll figure this all out when we get there," the Admiral took Harm's elbow and directed him towards the doorway.
Mac ran towards the offices, grabbed Harm's briefcase, opened it looking for his supplies, and quickly followed as concerned looks followed her out of the bullpen.
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