Author: Nancy
Disclaimer: Don't own JAG or characters. Don't make profit.
Classification: Drama H/M.
Rating: PG
Summary: Follows the events of season nine's Persian Gulf. Mac works
to recover from her posttraumatic stress experience with Sadeq and
her frustrating relationship with Webb. Although Harm's hearing is
restored, his relationships with Mac, the Admiral and Mattie continue
to be strained. Add up all the year's stressors for each of our
characters, and it will be a contest to see who will show no weakness.
PART 2
It was amazing how the week had passed and Harm had managed to avoid meeting with the Admiral. What is the old saying? "Denial is more than a big river in Egypt? An outside observer would describe the Naval JAG officer as positively drowning in the Egyptian muddy water but he wasn't alone...
Mac was so busy trying to deal with the 'splinter in Harm's eye that she didn't see the huge log in her own'. When Webb was called 'out of town on business' she responded angrily and tossed out an expensive sweater he had purchased for her. Even she admitted to herself that she felt more like a petulant child, but the anger would just bubble up and she almost couldn't control herself. So she would find herself in Harm's office quizzing him on his behaviors to the point that he would get up and leave.
One such evening she found him working late when he was trying to finish work on a case that he would be presenting in court that week against her, she dropped in and started an interrogation. "Harm, have you gone by the clinic for your lab work this week? I noticed Bethesda called for you to come by? You know you can't put that off…"
"Mac! I've had enough! When I confided in you, I thought you would understand! I have this under control! You can't control everybody and everything in your life. Why don't you call Webb up if you need someone to mother after all that's his MO isn't it! Or am I your latest project? Poor Harm needs attention? I don't need your help!" Harm snapped. "I think I liked it better when our relationship would never be anything more because I can't take your hovering!" He covertly picked up a small black zip bag and looked around to see if anyone was around the bullpen and headed towards the restroom leaving Mac speechless.
Mac started to respond with an equally nasty remark, instead she quietly returned to her office, packed up her briefcase, and left still stinging from Harm's scathing words.
A few minutes later Harm emerged from the restroom, gathered his belongings, and headed to the parking lot. As he reached his car his pager went off. He checked it and turned back around to reenter the building to respond to the message.
An hour later Harm was driving home or more descriptively was weaving his way home. He was so tired and his head was hurting again. He just wanted to get home, eat, grab a shower and crash.
The flashing blue lights behind him had other ideas...damn!
Harm pulled over and reached for his wallet. His hand trembled as he fumbled to pull out his license. Oh crap! He dug into the glove compartment desperate for his stash when the police officer walked up with a flash light and shone it into his eyes.
"Please step out of the vehicle," the deep voice ordered.
Harm squinted, "Yes sir, I can explain," his words sounded a little slurred even to him...oh shit.
"Step out of the vehicle and place your hands on top of the vehicle," the deep voice ordered again.
Harm found the simple request difficult and reached for the bag next to him, but the contents dumped on the floorboard.
"Get out of the vehicle," the voice gave no room for argument.
Harm managed to get the door open and stand up swaying dangerously.
"Place your hands on the roof of the vehicle," the policeman instructed.
"Yes Sir, I can exsplain," Harm slurred.
"Do you realize you were weaving in traffic?"
"I can,"
The policeman was speaking in a radio as he frisked Harm ignoring his comment. The flashlight shone into the interior of Harm's vette and then into his face.
"Have you had any alcoholic beverages, Mr. Rabb?" the voice hesitated as the policeman read the name from his license.
"Noooo sir," Harm swayed his knees felt weak.
The flashlight went back to the inside of Harm's car spotting the contents of the bag Harm had spilt earlier. Then there was a deep sigh. "Navy, legal corp?"
"Yea, JAG. Judge General or something," Harm tried to explain and turned around without getting permission leaning back on his car for needed support.
"I was Marine, twenty years."
The policeman reached into Harm's vette for the bag, took Harm's keys, locked the door and pulled Harm towards the police car.
*********
Harm and Officer Jules Ishee sat at the counter of 'Coffeepot Café'. They had both finished eating while the waitress refilled their coffee cups.
"Thanks Ruthie," Jules smiled at the weary waitress earning a bright smile and a large piece of apple pie. She offered Harm a slice, but he shook his head in refusal and looked back down at his cup of coffee.
Harm looked back up at the middle aged African American officer, "I really messed up tonight. I thought I was handling it but with work, tough schedule you know..."
"My kid's been dealing with this since he was fifteen. I've heard all the excuses! Bottom line is you could have hurt yourself or somebody else tonight driving like that. You know what happens when you take the stuff," the officer looked Harm square in the eye. "You have to be self disciplined, can't take chances. Next time I catch you driving like that! I'll drag you in for reckless driving," the officer's dark brown eyes bore into Harm's blue ones as he spoke.
Harm sighed deeply and nodded knowing he lucked out this time. He reached for his check the waitress placed next to him, but the tall policeman picked it up first, "My treat, this time...look, you need to talk about it. I usually come eat here at 8 at night on my shift. Like I said, I've been helping my kid who's nearly thirty now and married with two kids of his own deal with this."
###########
He postponed talking with the Admiral for two reasons that day. He found out from Coates that the Admiral was called away to the Pentagon for a meeting. The second reason was he had to be in court the rest of the afternoon.
A quick covert trip to the men's room allowed him the privacy to get what he needed to make it through the afternoon. It wasn't supposed to be this way when he started this, but more often than not he found himself with the little syringe injecting the drug into his skin with more expertise than he though possible. His body was demanding the injections more frequently.
Grabbing a half of a sandwich and a diet soda, he headed to the courtroom. Going against Mac was such a rush. His client was a 250 pound master chief over maintenance accused of striking an officer. Harm had built a pretty strong case on the fact that the officer had bated the chief in order to make the man actually hit him so he would end up in the hospital and not have to be deployed. The young officer had been trying to get out of the Navy for more than a year.
Mac, on the other hand, felt the Chief should have used more restraint no matter what the circumstances and refused to deal. The courtroom battle had become rather emotionally heated between the two lawyers when Admiral Morris intervened.
"Colonel, Commander! Don't make me ask you two again to keep your comments pertinent to the case. I will not hesitate to throw you two in the stockade if you don't control yourselves!" Admiral Morris roared at the two lawyers.
"Yes Sir."
"Sorry Sir."
After Admiral Morris finished dressing down the two officers, he turned to Harm, "Commander Rabb, do you have any further questions for this witness?"
Harm now seated looked at the witness blankly and down at his notebook. The room had become very warm in the past few moments. He reached for his water glass almost knocking it over as his hand trembled. His large defendant looked at him with concern. Harm reached into his pocket right jacket pocket and then searched his other pockets.
Although a big man, the proceedings of the courtroom had made the Chief nervous and the odd behavior of his lawyer added to his edginess. The Chief picked up the last of roll of Lifesavers candy he had been sucking on throughout the afternoon and popped it into his mouth. 'Damn he could sure use a smoke about now.'
"Commander Rabb, do you have any further questions for this witness?" Admiral Morris repeated impatiently.
Harm looked at the Admiral and the witness and back at his notebook trying to clear his thoughts. His client shifted uncomfortably in his chair making the chair squeak irritably. Harm licked his lips and reached nervously reached into his briefcase. His face became shiny with fine beads of sweat.
Mac glanced over as Harm continued to search his pockets then his notebook again ignoring the Admiral's request.
"Commander are you alright?" the Admiral noticed the fine sheen of perspiration that formed across Harm's forehead.
"Sir?" Harm looked flustered.
"Commander are you alright?"
Harm rubbed his head oblivious to the Admiral's question and then leaned heavily on his hand as his head throbbed.
Mac moved quickly to his side, "Harm, what's wrong?" She looked at the table and noticed the clutter, "Damn," she whispered and turned to the Marine guard quietly issuing instructions.
"Court will be recessed until in the morning at 1000," the Admiral dropped his gavel and walked over to assist. "Do we need to call a medic?"
"I don't think so Admiral," Mac reached for the container the Marine guard handed her.
"Come on Harm, drink this okay," she instructed while helping him hold it and take sips until he drank at least half of it.
"You feeling better?" she asked, as he seemed to be focusing.
"Yea," he rubbed his head. "Sorry about that."
Admiral Chegwidden strolled into the courtroom and looked at the small crowd surrounding his officer. "Commander are you alright? I heard you became ill. Do we need someone to take you to the doctor?"
Harm looked at Mac and winced, "No sir, I'll be fine in a few more minutes."
"You don't look fine," the Admiral frowned. "From what I heard, you almost passed out."
"Sir, he'll be alright," Mac added quickly.
Harm adjusted his tie and finished the drink. Mac passed him some cello wrapped cookies. He half smiled and opened them, "Guess I don't have to worry about someone eating my last cookie with you around...want one?" He offered as he bit into one.
The Admiral looked back and forth between his two officers, but before he could comment, Harm spoke up.
"Sir, could we take this to your office," Harm suggested standing up and trying to gather what little self-esteem, he had remaining.
"Certainly, but this could wait until tomorrow. I would rather you go home for the rest of the day Commander," the Admiral suggested with concern.
"No Sir, this can't wait," Harm replied.
Harm sat across from the Admiral's desk awaiting a reply after giving him the file Mac had read earlier. "Sir, I'm waiting on the Medical Review Board to determine my status with the Navy and much of the outcome will be based on your recommendation. I know after today's-- ah-- performance you have every right to document not only my past failings but my inability to maintain your current expectations. Normally, I would be all right with whatever the decision. Well, maybe not all right, but I would cope. However, I need to be able to provide for Mattie," Harm's gaze remained on his hands as he continued while the Admiral watched, "Sir, the truth is Child Services has been scrutinizing me since day one. I promised to provide for her financially as well as emotionally. If I can't remain in the Navy..." he stopped and looked up uncomfortably meeting the confused eyes of the Admiral.
"What?"
Harm's shoulders slumped slightly as his eye contact dropped again, "Sir, who would want to hire me like this? I mean I could keep my medical benefits through the Navy, but Mattie wouldn't qualify unless I was eligible for their insurance...and that will not happen. I would be considered a liability…I'm sure in more ways just because of the insurance." The word Mac had used before echoed painfully in his memory. "I could lose Mattie," he whispered.
"Harm, do you think that I would kick you out of the Navy because you developed Diabetes?" the Admiral responded incredulously.
"I don't know what you would do, Sir," Harm replied without emotion.
"Last year's circumstances were entirely different," A.J. responded coolly fighting down the anger he felt building.
"Yes Sir, those were different circumstances…in one way," Harm replied softly unable to refrain from responding with his honest thoughts and feelings.
"So you still believe I sandbagged you while you were out to save the Colonel, and I would sandbag you now?" the Admiral folded his arms and turned away from Harm and looked out the window.
"Sir, I think that I was backed in a corner then and I'm backed in one now," Harm replied hating to admit his vulnerability.
"You believe I took advantage of you? That I was waiting for you to screw up to teach you a lesson? Now I have you at the end of your rope again so I can control you?" he turned and looked at the officer whom served under him for years. "Damn," he sighed.
"Sir, I've already lost my flight status. I'm insulin dependent. I know of no one in my family with diabetes. It's some sort of fluke...an autoimmune thing. But regardless until my blood sugar levels stabilize I could have periods of hypoglycemia that could affect me like today," Harm sounded angry. "But I've still got to keep up with the work load, and this is no excuse. There are no excuses right?" his voice softened and sounded a little more defeated than angry.
"Commander, I've never known you to give up on anything, and why do I hear you doing so now?" the Admiral frowned.
"I don't have any control over this! I've always tried to keep myself physically fit, controlled my weight, exercised, but all of a sudden my body just decides to malfunction, and I can't do a hell of a lot about it!" Harm's fist pounded against his knee. "This disease has taken away my flight status and could take away my career. It could take away Mattie..." Harm's voice caught.
"Only if YOU let it," the Admiral's voice was taunting.
"Sir?"
"This is a disease...it is not you. You are one stubborn, hardheaded son of a bitch! I've never met anyone that is more tenacious than you in all my years as a Navy SEAL or an Admiral, and I've served with some pretty obstinate four stars. When I refused to let you come back last year, you didn't roll over and die, you picked yourself up and did some pretty significant things from what I understand and did them on your terms. That's why you ended up back here."
"But... "
"I'm not finished Commander!" the Admiral barked. "You wanted a family, and you found someone who needed one too. The two of you make a pretty damn good pair. I was busy trying to give you advice about relationships when I couldn't keep my own on track, but you managed to make one on your own terms. Do you hear what I'm trying to say to you Commander...this disease is just another bump in the road of your life, it's not fair, but when has life ever been? I'm preaching to the choir now."
He paused allowing his words to sink in, and the next were just as emphatic, but without anger, "You've always known that, and you've dealt with it on your own terms! Deal with this on your own terms...do not let it control you...you are not this disease...it is a part of you. I'll back you anyway I can."
Harm sat speechless.
"What? I can't believe Commander Harmon Rabb has no rebuttal...this is a first," the Admiral smirked.
Harm again found himself avoiding the Admiral's eye contact but for different reasons, "Thank you Sir. I guess I'm not very good at self pity," Harm replied with a little awkward smile.
"No, you're not. You knew your active flight status would end eventually. It just ended sooner than later. You still have that Steerman of yours don't you? Do you ever take it up?" the Admiral eased back into his chair replacing his reading glasses.
"When the weather's nice. I'm teaching Mattie to fly. She's a natural," Harm relieved at the change of topic.
"You know, you've taken just about everyone up in that plane except me. I've ridden in a Tomcat with you and granted that didn't turn out very well, but I'm willing to give you another opportunity if you'd invite me," the Admiral raised his eyebrows.
"Sure Sir, I didn't know you were interested. The next sunny weekend we're both free, I'll have Sarah ready," Harm agreed with a half smile.
"Harm, just one more thing. In the future, make sure you keep your Lifesavers away from your clients. I don't think Chief Grant has bouts of hypoglycemia and it's obvious he doesn't need the calories."
"Yes Sir," Harm smiled more broadly this time.
"And Commander until you get those hypoglycemic episodes under control, I'm assigning you administrative tasks. I believe the Colonel is ready to go back to full duty. You're dismissed."
Harm winced at the directive and nodded as he exited the room.
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