Author: Nancy
Disclaimer: JAG and characters do not belong to me. I just enjoy
writing about them.
Classification: PG 13
Category: Harm and Mac/ Drama
Summary: All who have ever watched JAG know that Mac and Harm are
connected maybe not openly as most shippers would want, but the fact
that they are soulmates can't be denied.
Written: 1/2002
Sarah Mackenzie's apartment
1213
"HARM!" The scream jerked me from an exhausted sleep. My heart was pounding and beads of sweat trickled down my neck. I looked around feeling totally disoriented and distressed. I'm in my apartment, just settle down...it was just a dream, a nightmare that seemed too real. I looked at my clock and realized I had only been asleep for an hour. I shouldn't have eaten at that Mexican buffet. My breathing slowed, and I closed my eyes ordering myself to relax and get some sleep.
Oh hell, just pick up the phone and call him. You know you won't be able to sleep until you hear that he's okay. But he will think you've lost your mind. You'll wake up Sergei. Go back to sleep. The argument persisted between my logic and psychic.
I rolled back and forth and adjusted the bedcovers trying to find that perfect position that would send me back to sleep for the next hour. I looked back at my alarm clock and thought why am I looking at the clock I should know what time it is, but my unrelieved anxiety had blocked my normal awareness of time.
I reached for my phone which rang as if on cue. "Mackenzie." I answered with more alertness and sharpness than the caller expected because he paused before speaking. "Who's there?"
"Mac? It is Sergei." His voice sounded strained as he continued. "Mac can you come?"
"Sergei, where are you. What happened to Harm?" I asked before he had a chance to explain, but I already knew the answer. I had seen it in my nightmare.
Mercy Hospital
0130
I don't remember dressing or the frantic drive but the bright lights of the emergency entrance refocused me enough to be strong for Sergei. That's right I'm a Marine, I have been trained to put aside my feelings and to function. To loose control means to die. That thought made me shiver as I remembered how I tried to convince Harm to let go, I guess I'm not so different than he. I swallowed and quickly wiped away a tear that escaped. Suck it up Marine. As I pushed the cold metal door handle open and entered the waiting area where Sergei, Bud and the Admiral met me. Their expressions caused my gut to wrench.
The pallor in my face explained my thoughts because Admiral Chegwidden quickly responded. "Mac they just took him to surgery."
I sank down into the nearest chair as my knees were no longer able to support me. Sturgis rushed in at that moment and began to roll off questions. I heard Sergei explain. "I had been to the basketball game at the sports center. I should have come straight home." He sounded like he was about to lose it. "The apartment door was not locked. I thought perhaps Harm left it open for me." He looked down and willed himself to continue. "But the lights were off. I called out to him as I turned on the light. The apartment was." He struggles to select the right word. "Out of order. All of his belongings tossed around. I think I must call the police and then I saw him. He was near the kitchen." Sergei rubbed his head. "Who would do such a thing?"
Sturgis patted the younger man on the shoulder and looked to the Admiral for more information.
"The doctor just left and said they needed to stop the bleeding. It doesn't look good. He was stabbed multiple times." The Admiral's voice faded as he passed along the last few words.
We waited five long hours and over twenty cups of coffee before a haggard looking doctor in scrubs and a lab coat approached us. "You're waiting for news on Mr. Rabb?" He asked, but since we were the only ones in the waiting area, the question was moot.
All of us stood and circled around. "He lost a great deal of blood. One of the stab wounds punctured his vena cava or one of the major vessels leading to the heart, which we repaired. We are giving him replacement transfusions and are moving him to intensive care."
The joint sigh of relief and shared smiles were quickly extinguished by his next comment. "His injuries are critical. I'm not sure how much good we did."
"What do you mean?" I hear myself demand. "You don't know Harm! You sound like you have given up on him!" I don't realize that I am screaming at the man as if he was the one who attacked Harm instead of the one tried to mend the damage. Sergei and Bud looked paler than before as the Admiral's voice of reason began to penetrate my panic.
"Stand down Colonel!" His words were like a slap to my face. His voice then became soft and compassionate, "The doctor didn't say that, and you are right. Harm is a fighter, and we must not give up hope."
I looked at the distraught faces of his brother and friends and realized that I must take the lead in maintaining that sense of hope. "You are right Sir. Harm's too damn stubborn to give up. I must have confused him with another commander who went down under."
Bud and the Admiral shared a surprised smile while Sergei and Sturgis missed the irony. Even I had to admit the comment made me feel better.
The Admiral ever the surrogate father accompanied Sergei in to the small ICU cubicle. I insisted Bud and Sturgis go next. I wanted to be alone with Harm, and I wasn't so sure I could maintain my composure once I saw him.
When my time finally came, I hesitated at the doorway not sure I could see him this way. My condescending words to Renee after his crash filled my mind. I was so in control, but I knew he was safe, but now I could lose him. My hands began to shake as I felt my legs finally begin to move me next to the bed. I reached for his hand and wrapped my fingers around his. The monitors audibly and visually reinforced the fact that his heart was beating while the ventilator's persistent pumping in time with the rise and fall of his chest proved that he was breathing maybe not on his own, but he was alive. Just keep on doing that Flyboy, just keep that stubborn heart of yours beating because I wasn't sure mine was.
A nurse entered the cubicle and hung a new bag of what looked like blood to his IV line. "Ma'am, visiting time is over, but you can return in an hour." Her voice was compassionate, but I wanted to tell her she couldn't tell me what to do, I am a Marine colonel. I have helped rescue civilians from attack on an embassy. I have stood up in court against the best. Don't tell me what to do! The words never left my lips as I heaved in a sudden watery breath. I'm afraid to leave. I may not see him alive again. The nurse walked around and spoke again, "His heart rate is strong." Her words were reassuring, but carefully factual and no false reassurances. She didn't rush me, but left me alone to say goodbye, for now.
I closed my eyes and kissed his forehead. "Get some rest Harm. We have an unfinished conversation to finish." I waited for an answer, but only heard the rhythmic sounds of the equipment that surrounded him. Slowly I moved away as the nurse returned and began to write down something in a chart.
'Dammit Harm, who did this to you?' I thought to myself as I turned to leave.
"I don't know."
I turned back to the nurse, "Excuse me? What did you say?"
"I didn't say anything." She seemed preoccupied with her task.
I could have sworn I heard...time to get some rack time Marine you are losing it.
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