Author: Nancy
Disclaimer: Don't own JAG or characters.
Rated: PG
Category: Bud and others
Summary: From Bud's point of view on grieving for baby Sarah.
Christmas this year will be one that I will always look back upon
with mixed emotions and many tears.
At home, Harriet has made a tremendous effort to carry on with the Christmas traditions of a tree, gifts, cookies...the whole nine yards for little AJ. He doesn't understand his parent's grief, but her does know Santa is suppose to come soon.
I find myself wanting to escape more by staying at work. Burying myself in my cases gives my heart a vacation from its constant pain. I know it's not fair to Harriet, she needs me.
At work, I remember Christmases past. I laugh to myself remembering how I dressed as Santa and Harriet as my favorite elf.
I watch my colleagues as they respond to the stress of the holiday, and how they treat me as if I may break any moment. The Colonel orders me home every night. She knows Harriet needs me. I wonder about her Christmas. She's had no real family. She and I do share an abusive childhood. This year she has Mic Brumby, but he doesn't really make her happy. They fight all the time.
The Admiral seems to share my grief for little Sarah more than anyone does. He was...is surrogate grandfather to my children...child. I think he will make a great grandfather. He was with Harriet when she found out that the baby was going to be 'Sarah'. He asks about Harriet everyday. I don't think he's going to Italy this year to see Francesca and his relationship with Dr. Walden...well that is in the past as of this moment.
Commander Rabb...I don't think he's looked to Christmas with anticipation since he was five. He had a great family, still does. Even great families have their share of pain.
Harriet and I have a great family. We're just hurting. How do you cope? When will the pain stop? I've seen the pain in Commander Rabb's eyes. It took 30 years for him to find out the truth about his father. I know what happened to our precious little Sarah. How did he cope? What about all those Christmases?
Here comes Colonel McKenzie. It must be time for me to go home after all, it is Christmas Eve. If things had been different, Harriet would have planned to invite everyone over to share our happiness. If...
I see Commander Rabb leaving. He will go to the Wall. Maybe I need to go and see baby Sarah. I don't think I can, not this year.
I pull into my parking space at home. The Christmas tree lights shine in the front window of our apartment, but I can't go inside, not yet. I don't want little AJ to see his daddy crying not on Christmas Eve.
I find myself driving to the Lincoln Memorial. I see Commander Rabb's SUV in the parking lot. I get out and walk towards the war memorials. It's cold and only those who have someone to remember are out here lighting candles. He's still in his uniform standing beside the place where his dad's name is marked. I don't want to disturb him. I just needed to be with someone who understands my pain for tonight. He wipes tears away from his eyes and turns seeing me.
He looks confused. "Bud, were you looking for me?"
"Yes...no, I just couldn't go home."
He nods, and we walk back towards the cars.
"Do you want to take a drive with me?" He asks before we part.
"Okay."
He drives quietly. I'm glad he doesn't try to talk or play Christmas music on the radio. He pulls into a parking lot and turns off the car engine. I realize he has driven us to 'the cemetery'. Tears pour from my eyes.
"I can't."
He says nothing but gets out of the car and leans against the front fender.
I get out, take a deep breath, and walk towards the place where little Sarah was placed just weeks before. The headstone has a little lamb on it. I touch it and think of her. I cry like I haven't since the night that we lost her. I tell her how much I love her, and how she will always live in my heart. Then I tell her Merry Christmas. I walk back to the car. We climb in and drive to get my car.
"Commander, what plans do you have for tomorrow?"
"I have duty."
"I would really like you to come over and share Christmas with us."
"Is Harriet up for company?"
"Sir, you are not company, you're family."
He smiles, "I'll be there."
"Do you think the Admiral and Colonel have plans?"
The end
