Author: Nancy
Disclaimer: Don't own JAG, this was written in hopes of entertaining
a few diehard JAG fans like myself.
Classification: PG-13 Warning character death.
Category: Harm/Mac drama
Summary: This follows Adrift and New Gun in Town. References are made
later to Silent Service, Boomerang, Yea Baby and Lifeline. Harm and
Mac continue to struggle with their relationship as Harm deals with a
new crisis.
Harm had accompanied Renee to her father's funeral and supported her through the days following even though his mind and heart were somewhere else. Renee remained to tie up loose ends from her father's estate while Harm returned to face the Flight Safety Review Board.
The first Monday back at JAG he anxiously looked for Mac only to find out that she had taken the first assignment out of town. In fact she was TAD to the Guadalcanal aircraft carrier in the Indian Ocean. Just as he picked himself up physically and mentally after his crash, he would work this out with Mac also. He had to, but first he had to figure out his relationship with Renee.
Several weeks later
Harm rushed home to pack for his flight out to the Guadalcanal. He wanted this assignment and had persuaded the Admiral to send him.
The Admiral reluctantly allowed him to defend the client that Mac would be prosecuting. He totally ignored the lingering soreness in his right knee and refused to give in to the headaches that constantly reminded him of that fateful night just weeks before. He had returned to work believing he could pick up where he left off, but he was wrong.
His old friend Turner kicked his six in court repeatedly. The Admiral had even called him into his office and asked if he was up to the job. Can you believe this? I loose a few cases and the Admiral gives me the get it together or take a few weeks leave lecture!' Harm snorted.
'I guess that was why the Admiral agreed to let me go to the Guadalcanal, to get me out of Dodge because he made it clear that I was to come back with my act together'.
The door to his apartment creaked open. Her voice disturbed his ruminations, "Harm, I'm back." Renee called out.
"I'm in the bedroom, just a minute." He placed the last few items he needed in his sea bag and zipped it closed.
"Going somewhere?" Renee said in surprise as he entered the living room with the bag.
"I've got an hour to get to Andrews. I've got an overseas assignment. I'll probably be back by the end of the week." Harm tried to sound matter of fact. "How are you? And your Mom?"
"Better, I guess. I still can't believe everything that has happened." Renee nervously played with her purse strap. "Where are you going? My passport is up to date maybe I could go with you?" Renee looked pleadingly at him.
He felt another headache coming on. "Renee, I'm going to the Indian Ocean to an aircraft carrier."
"An aircraft carrier! Let me get this straight. The Admiral is sending you half way around the world on an assignment just weeks after you were nearly killed? You're not going to fly are you?"
"Renee, it's my job, I'm alright, and no I don't plan to fly considering it's a Marine helo based aircraft carrier." Harm tried to smile and walked over to kiss her. He glanced at his watch.
"Why didn't the Admiral send Mac? She's the tough Marine jarhead." Renee whined.
"He already has. Mac finished the investigation. The trial will be held on the carrier. She will prosecute and I will defend." Harm waited for the crap to hit the fan.
"Harm, I wish you wouldn't go. I'm sure the Admiral could find someone else. I need you." She reached up and stroked his face.
Harm took in a deep breath, but did not respond immediately.
Realization swept through Renee as she saw the frustration in Harm's demeanor. "I think I understand. You want to be with Mac. Why don't you just day it."
His headache just increased two points on the pain scale. "Renee, this is an assignment. Yes, I want to see Mac. I haven't seen her since Mic walked out." He sighed.
"You mean the wedding is off!"
"Yea."
"Harm, I'm begging you. If you care anything about me, don't go." Her voice was stronger now.
"Renee, I have to go. You will just have to understand. I will be back in a week, and we will talk then." Harm looked again at his watch. He barely had enough time to make it to Andrews.
Tears ran down her eyes, "Is this your answer?" She sobbed.
"Renee, don't do this." Harm looked torn and then turned and opened the door and walked into the hallway and into the elevator.
"Please, don't leave me!" Renee screamed as the elevator doors closed. He leaned back against the wall of the elevator and rubbed his aching head as her words sent waves of guilt through him.
US Guadalcanal
Indian Ocean
Three days later
The trip to the Indian Ocean remained mostly business. He and Mac barely had time to talk about anything personal.
He had tried earlier in her stateroom discuss his feelings with her only to have her lash out at him. "Harm there is no you and I, there is you and Renee!"
Her words hit home. He knew at the funeral he and Renee where not meant to be, but he couldn't bring himself to break things off so soon after her father's death. When Mac asked him what he would give up to have her, he never gave her a response because Gunny interrupted them to let them Know the verdict was in.
The night before he was to leave for Washington was exceptionally clear. The stars looked brighter than ever as Mac looked at the dark sparkling ocean. Harm stood quietly observing her before he approached. He needed to try again.
"I have always thought there was nothing more peaceful than a clear night in the middle of the ocean." Harm leaned against the rail next to where she stood. "Now, I really appreciate a clear night in the middle of the ocean." He chuckled and saw a smile form on her face. God, she looked so beautiful with the moonlight highlighting her high cheekbones and gentle brown eyes.
"How are you Harm?" She turned and met his gaze. Her voice was gentle with concern.
"I've been out here with you for nearly a week, and you haven't figured out that I'm back to my old self, whatever that is." He smiled, but sobered up when he noticed that she remained serious.
"I'm getting there." He added more honestly, hell she could see through him. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when Mic left." He said softly.
"How is Renee?" She asked with a touch of pain that didn't go unnoticed by Harm.
"Clingy, insecure." Harm sighed. "She didn't want me to come out here."
"She didn't want you to come here, or she didn't want you around me." Mac asked.
"Both. I guess she can't get past you and me." His words echoed an earlier conversation. "How about you?"
"Coming out here was the best thing I could have done. For awhile I almost forgot who I was." Mac turned and looked at Harm and smiled. "Location may not change who we are, but it sure helps clarify it sometimes." She smiled somberly.
Harm relaxed for the first time since he had arrived. "Yea, I think you're right. You'll always be a real kick ass Marine." He teased.
"I thought my world was out of control, and I couldn't seem to keep my balance." She continued as she gazed out into the darkness.
"I wasn't much help." Harm added quietly.
"No you weren't. I must admit I was hurting, and I just wanted someone to make the hurt go away. I used to do that with alcohol. Then I became a Marine and found some self-respect. Harm, I've got to get my head on straight before I can think about the future. Right now, I am just regaining what I lost. Look Harm, I'm sorry I reacted the way I did earlier, but I think it would be best if we kept our relationship strictly professional." Her eyes bore down through his soul.
He nodded sadly and unconsciously rubbed his eyes as the fatigue that still plagued him from the crash began to take hold.
"You look beat. Why don't you call it a night." Mac frowned as she realized that he was not as invincible as he tried to make everyone think he was.
"That's probably a good idea." He said quietly and walked back to his quarters. He couldn't blame her. Inside he felt her slowly slipping away again. Some mistakes can't ever be undone he thought as he turned and looked back at her standing at the rail.
Harm's Apartment
Almost Midnight
The end of the week
Harm unlocked the door in time to catch the ringing phone. "Rabb." He wondered who would be calling at this hour. He was irritable from the long flight home.
"Harm?" her voice slurred.
"Renee?"
"Harm, why does everyone leave me?" He voice was slow and soft.
"Renee where are you?" Harm thought maybe she was drunk somewhere and needed him to take her home.
"Alone...I don't want to be alone anymore...so I took those little pills the doctor gave me."
Harm felt a sense of panic rising up inside, "Renee how many pills did you take!" He demanded. "Renee talk to me!"
It doesn't matter...nothing matters..." Her voice faded.
"Damn it Renee talk to me. Don't do this!" Harm fumbled through his jacket pocket to find his cell phone and punched in 911. After giving the location of Renee's apartment, he headed down the steps and to his SUV.
He reached her apartment before the ambulance and found her lying on her bed. With an empty bottle of Valium on the bedside table, and the phone still clutched in her hands. "Renee, wake up...talk to me Renee." He felt a faint pulse and leaned close enough to detect a shallow breathing. He picked her up in his arms and rocked her, "Come on Renee, please stay with me." The paramedics burst into the room and pulled her gently away from him.
As they began to assess her vital signs one of the medics spoke to Harm, "How long has it been since she took the pills?" The other medic started an IV and placed an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose.
"I don't know. She called me about twenty minutes ago and her voice was slurred then. She told me she took those pills. When I got here she was like this." Harm struggled to maintain his control. "Will she be alright?"
The medics lifted her onto the stretcher. "I can't say. Would you like to ride with us?"
"Yes." Harm followed close behind looking helplessly at her still pale figure.
Georgetown Medical Center
An hour or so later
Harm sat surrounded by the noises of a busy emergency room where sick children cried and adults of various ages sat or paced waiting to be seen or for word on a friend or relative. He was oblivious to the noise and activity as he sat with his face buried in his hands silently praying that she would be all right.
"Mr. Rabb?" The young tired looking doctor wearing crumpled stained scrubs and a white lab coat stood in front of Harm waiting until he had his full attention before continuing.
Harm stood up, "How is she?"
He gently guided Harm back to the unit where they had taken Renee. "I'm sorry, we did all that we could, but the medication she ingested had been in her system too long and depressed her central nervous system causing her hear to stop beating. We were unable to get it to start again, and she died." The young physician had difficulty maintaining eye contact with Harm as he saw the look of shock then despair fill Harm's eyes.
"Can we call someone for you?" He added compassionately. Harm shook his head.
"Would you like to see her?"
Harm nodded and followed the man into the treatment room where Renee lay. The nurses had finished removing the life support equipment and combed her hair.
Her lips had a bluish tint and her skin was pale. It all seemed too surreal. He reached out and touched her face feeling only the coldness of her death. "I'm sorry Renee. I'm so sorry." He mumbled weakly. He hurt so much inside that he couldn't move.
Standing by her, he lost track of time as numbness replaced the pain. Mechanically he walked to the nurse's station to find out what arrangements he needed to make. He slowly mentally processed the information told to him. His brain began to function on autopilot...
He needed to call her mother. He would contact her friend. What was his name, Cyrus? Call her associates at work. He signed the appropriate release forms and walked out of the emergency room to the outside. He reached the parking lot before he realized he didn't have his vehicle with him so he sat on a bench unable to think anymore...
JAG Headquarters
Next morning around 1130
"Tiner, has Commander Rabb come in yet?" The Admiral asked irritably for the third time.
"No Sir, do you want me to call him?" Tiner replied.
'No, but as soon as he comes in, I need to see him." The Admiral picked up a file and resumed reading.
JAG headquarters
1200
"Admiral, Commander Rabb just came in. Do you still want to see him?"
"Yes."
Bud walked over to Harm to warn him of the Admiral's bad mood, "Commander, the Admiral's on the warpath this morning." Before he continued, he noticed with concern Harm's distraught appearance, "sir, are you okay?"
Harm looked a little dazed and started to reply when Tiner walked up to inform him that the Admiral wanted him ASAP.
Harm drew in a deep breath and knocked at the Admiral's door, "ENTER." The Admiral called out and continued to study the document on his desk, "It's about time. Commander, I thought you were suppose to be in last night..." He finally looked up to see Harm standing at attention.
The tone of his voice made an about face as he saw his pale fatigued officer. "Commander, have a seat."
"I'm sorry, Admiral, I need to take some leave time. I know this isn't the best time, but...Renee...died last night." He managed to get the words out and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
The Admiral sat back into his chair, "What happened?"
Taking a deep breath Harm looked into his CO eyes, "She overdosed on some sedatives."
"How did that happen?" The admiral asked truly shocked. Upon seeing the pained look in Harm's eyes, he shook his head sadly, "Harm I'm so sorry. I didn't realize Renee had any difficulty with depression."
"I didn't either. She called me as I walked in last night. By the time I got to her apartment, she was unconscious. They couldn't revive her at the emergency room." He swallowed deeply before continuing, "I need to turn in the report from the Henderson case, and I have two pretrial motions to be filed. A Corporal Smith is supposed to come by on the Lane case."
"Harm, don't worry about work. What can I do to help? Does Renee have any other family?"
"Her mother. I called her early this morning. There will be an autopsy, and then she will be flown back home." Harm replied tiredly.
"Tiner, please have Lt. Roberts come to my office." The Admiral released the intercom button. "Bud will drive you home and anywhere else you need to go."
"Thank you Sir, but I will manage. I would rather the circumstances of her death not be discussed." He added quietly and stood up to leave. "If that's all sir."
"Harm, this wasn't your fault." The Admiral stated firmly but gently.
Harm had shared with Sturgis, Bud and Harriet the cause of Renee's death, but avoided talking anymore about the circumstances. They assumed she was distraught about her father's sudden death.
He returned immediately after the funeral and quietly remained in his office burying himself in work and politely refusing invitations from his coworkers unless it was work related.
News of Mac's courage and leadership under fire soon reached JAG headquarters. She had been cited with leading an evacuation of an American consulate that was under attack and would be receiving as metal. She would be returning within the week a hero.
*********
JAG headquarters
Later that week
A large banner draped across the entryway to Mac's office. A cake decorated to honor the returning Marines and a large vase of roses sat in Mac's office.
As soon as Mac and Gunny entered the office, a spontaneous applause erupted. "Welcome back Colonel and Gunny." Bud led the welcome party.
The Admiral stood by the cake; "We just wanted to let you know damn fine job!"
Sturgis stood next to Harm, "So this is the jarhead that everyone talks about."
"Yes, she is one hell of a Marine and a lawyer, so you better stay on your toes." Harm replied with a smile that slowly faded to a pensive expression.
They both walked up to Mac, "Colonel Mackenzie, Commander Sturgis Turner." Harm made the simple introduction. "Good job, Marine, we are all proud of you." He added as Sturgis extended his hand in greeting.
"I will be looking forward to working with you." Sturgis added as Mac shook his hand.
"Same here Commander. " Mac smiled. She was not the same woman who had left weeks ago. She had more confidence in herself than ever.
"I need to get back to work," Harm half smiled and retreated to his office leaving Mac surrounded by well-wishers.
***********
Conference Room
JAG Headquarters
Staff Meeting
The Admiral immediately assigned Mac a high profile case as prosecutor, and Sturgis as defender. Mac inadvertently looked towards Harm, wondering why he was not assigned the case. Harm did not respond nor did he notice her gaze. 'I guess that ruffled his feathers.' Deciding that he needed to lighten up, she thought that she would antagonize him a little as they were the last two to walk out of the room, "You wouldn't be a little jealous now Commander?"
Instead of receiving a sarcastic comeback, he looked at her without emotion, "I'm sorry, what did you say Colonel?"
Mac felt herself blush with embarrassment. She felt like she had just said that to a total stranger. "I was just teasing Harm. I didn't mean to sound arrogant."
He looked at her oddly, "Okay."
When he continued out of the door, Mac stood speechless. 'He's pouting.'
"Harm, wait a minute." He stopped and turned around. "Harm, what is going on? Are you angry with me?" She added a little sarcastically.
"No." He replied and turned away.
***********
She watched as he returned to his office and shut the door. "Well just be an ass." Mac muttered and walked to the break room.
Harriet smiled as Mac met her at the door. "Would you like to take a coffee break? It is really nice outside?"
"Good idea, Harriet."
The two women chattered about little AJ and his latest escapades as they settled at a table.
"Harm acts like he has something up his six." Mac commented as she sipped her coffee.
Harriet frowned, "I think he is still dealing with everything."
"He seemed to be fine when he came to the Guadalcanal. Is he ruminating over whether he's going to fly again?" Mac said impatiently.
Harriet felt her mothering defenses begin to kick in, "No, Ma'am. Flying has not been on his mind. I thought you would be more sensitive."
"More sensitive! Why is everyone treating him as if he might break? Harm's tough. " Mac responded. "He needs to suck it up and get over it. I mean I had too."
Harriet's mouth dropped open, "Maybe this kickass Marine thing has gone to your head, Ma'am. But most people need a little time to grieve when someone dies."
Mac's face paled immediately, "What are you talking about Harriet? Who died?"
"I thought you knew. He asked us not to talk about it, but I figured as close as you two were that you knew." Harriet sputtered.
"Knew what?" Mac persisted.
"Renee, she overdosed." Harriet responded softly.
Mac closed her eyes feeling an immediate heaviness in her chest, "When?" she asked.
"The night Commander Rabb returned from the Guadalcanal. She called him. By the time he got to her apartment and got her to the hospital she was too far-gone. I'm sorry, I thought you knew." Harriet apologized. "I shouldn't have said the things I said to you."
"You were right, I should have said what I said. I thought all of this was about the crash. He did seem to be dealing with it."
"I don't know about that. He doesn't talk with anyone. Bud's worried, but you know how the Commander is. He withdraws. "
"We were hoping when you came back that you could talk to him." Harriet said.
"I don't think that is going to happen. I kind of told him that we should just have a professional relationship." Mac admitted.
"But you were just dealing with your own pain. He knows that. Doesn't he?" Harriet asked.
*********
Mac knocked softly at Harm's office door.
"He's not there." Singer's voice responded.
Mac turned to see the Lt. standing a few feet away. "He left to go to Norfolk."
"When will he be back?"
"I don't know. He's not really that talkative lately. But I guess that's understandable. Losing the love of your life so suddenly must be just unbearable." Singer spoke more freely than she should.
"Lt., the Commander's personal business is none of yours." Mac snapped.
"I'm sorry Ma'am, I guess I hit a nerve." Singer said sympathetically.
Before Mac could dress down the junior officer, "Colonel, in my office now." The Admiral's voice commanded.
After giving Singer of a sharp look, Mac followed her commanding officer into his office.
"Have a seat Colonel." The Admiral eased into his chair looked at the officer's face. He could see the same concern he had seen many times before whenever a certain commander was in trouble.
"Mac, Harm is TAD to Norfolk." He paused. "Lt. Sims informed me that you were unaware of Renee's death. It came as a shock to all of us, but the circumstances behind her death are not to be discussed at the request of the Commander."
"Harriet said she overdosed, but wouldn't go any further. I don't understand. I didn't realize she was into drugs."
"Mac, it is not my place to discuss this with you or anyone else."
"Sir," His sudden backing away surprised Mac. Suddenly she made the connection. "She committed suicide." She whispered.
"Mac, I was hoping that maybe you could help Harm through this. He has built a pretty thick wall around himself." The Admiral turned and looked out the window. "I don't want to meddle in my people's business, but I do need you to go to Norfolk and conduct a mishap investigation." He turned looking at Mac with a small smile.
"Yes Sir! And sir, I don't think I need Gunny to go with me on this one, but a little prayer wouldn't hurt." Mac smiled sadly.
*******
Mac checked in with the legal assistant office upon her arrival at Naval Base Norfolk. She scanned the offices in search of Harm.
"Can I be of assistance Ma'am?" A polite young petty officer approached her.
"I was looking for Commander Rabb. He is TAD from DC." Mac replied.
"He went with Lt. Myers to the Eisenhower. She's in port. Can I arrange transportation for you Ma'am?"
"Yes and I'm going to need the file on the Milsap Investigation."
"Yes Ma'am. I believe that is what Commander Rabb and Lt. Myers were checking into."
Mac pulled up to the Eisenhower and got out of her car in time to see the two JAG officers leaving down the gangplank. Harm looked up to see Mac. She smiled broadly and waved. His smile quickly faded as he and Myers approached, "Colonel Mackenzie, I didn't realize you were assigned a case here?" Harm said blandly.
"The Admiral wanted me to assist with the Milsap investigation." Mac explained.
Harm appeared to be fighting his anger, "I see. Lt. Myers it appears you will not be needing my assistance, Colonel Mackenzie is here." Harm nodded at the younger officer and walked away to his vehicle and left the two officers somewhat stunned.
"Ma'am I must apologize, I asked the Commander to assist me. This is my first mishap investigation. I didn't know you were assigned the case." The younger officer explained.
"Not your fault. I was just assigned the case. I should have notified you." Mac replied as she watched Harm's car drive away.
Later that day Mac knocked at the door of Harm's temporary office.
"Enter." Harm replied without looking up.
"Harm, I'm sorry about the misunderstanding earlier." Mac said remorsefully.
"Colonel, I guess everyone forgets professional courtesy on occasion." His said tersely.
Drawing in a deep breath, Mac felt her own words haunting her. "Harm we need to talk." She said gently.
"I will be more than glad to discuss the Milsap case." Harm replied as if he were talking to a fellow officer for the first time.
Mac felt her anger rising again at her stubborn partner, "Dammit Harm stop acting like a spoiled child."
"Excuse me Colonel, but my personal life is none of your business. Now if you have something related to the activities of the Navy to discuss I will be more than accommodating." He added coolly.
Mac bit her tongue as she stood and left the office. "Ma'am I have that evidence you requested." Lt. Myers caught up with her as she stormed down the hall.
She snatched the paper away and quickly scanned it. "I want to talk to the engineers on duty that day." She added and walked into her office slamming the door.
Lt. Myers looked around to see if anyone had seen the interaction, "I think I just stepped in a large pile." He said to himself.
Harm rubbed his eyes as he felt the beginnings of another headache. Grabbing his cover, he exited almost running into Lt. Myers, "Sorry Sir." The blonde headed blue-eyed baby faced Lt. stuttered.
"I will be on my pager if I'm needed Lt." Harm replied as he left.
Harm fumbled with the door lock as he made his way into his temporary quarters. He rushed to the bathroom in time to throw up what little he had eaten that day. He knelt by the toilet holding on to the seat as more waves of nausea continued their assault. His head was exploding with pain. Slowly he made his way to his bed after tightly closing all the blinds and turning up the air conditioning unit to the coldest possible setting. "Please don't page me." He said to himself as he placed the pager next to the phone.
Mac knocked softly at Harm's door with pizza in hand. After a long hard work out in the gym she put her pride in her back pocket and decided to try again. She remembered a time when Harm had helped her face the demons of her father's abusive behavior. He wouldn't back away. It was her turn.
Harm groggily awoke to the persistent knocking and pulled himself out of the bed towards the door.
Mac frowned as she appraised the man standing in front of her. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked disheveled.
"What do you need Colonel?" Harm's words sounded a little slurred.
"I thought maybe I could offer a peace offering?" She tried to smile and held up the pizza.
Harm felt his stomach lurch at the smell. He swallowed heavily.
"I have some sort of bug. Tonight's not a good night." He managed to say hoping she would just leave so he could crawl back into his bed.
"Are you taking something? Could I get you some ginger ale or aspirin?" Mac responded. She looked past him and noted a half filled bottle of scotch sitting on the coffee table.
"No I'll be alright in the morning. Thanks." He shut the door not allowing her to respond.
She walked out of the building tossing the pizza in the nearest trashcan. "I always thought I had good timing." She said to herself.
The next day Harm was busy somewhere on the huge base and didn't see Mac until he was ready to call it a day.
"Feeling better?" Her voice surprised him.
"Yes." He nodded and started to walk away.
"Harm, how about dinner. My treat." Mac offered.
"I'm meeting Commander Bridges at the officer's club." Harm replied without any anger.
"This is my last day. I'm leaving tomorrow." Mac added softly.
"Have a safe trip." He responded.
"We need to talk Harm." Mac persisted.
She could see his shields come up almost immediately. "Let's just leave things like they were on the Guadalcanal." The sadness was not well disguised.
The routine of work seemed to bring a relief to Mac and Harm. He returned to his duties at headquarters and tended to go to Sturgis for advice on cases and short lunches. Mac couldn't help but feel a tinge of jealousy towards the camaraderie. She felt replaced. Not only had she lost what friendship they had, she lost their professional relationship. 'I guess I'm getting what I asked for.' She thought over how he tried to reach out to her, but in her own hurt she pushed him away.
Bud knocked on her office door, "Colonel Mackenzie have you heard from Commander Rabb. We are suppose to be in court in five minutes."
"No, did you try calling his cell phone?" Mac looked up from her desk to see a worried Bud Roberts.
"Yes, and I paged him and tried his home. The last time this happened Clark Palmer had him tied up at his apartment with a bomb." Bud blurted out.
"He'll be here. I'm sure he has a good reason for being late. You are ready to carry on aren't you Lt."
"Yes, I guess I better go on before Admiral Morris has us up on charges." Bud smiled and retreated. Mac immediately picked up her phone and dialed Harm's number only to reach his answering machine. After several tries, she decided to head to his apartment. Just as she reached the parking lot Harm's vehicle pulled into his parking space.
"I was just about to go looking for you." She yelled out as he got out of his SUV.
"I'm supposed to be in court. Gotta go." He responded and rushed into the building.
Later that week a similar incident occurred with Harm missing a called staff meeting. The Admiral chewed his six out when he arrived late.
Scuttlebutt was working overtime concerning Commander Rabb's tardiness. The most popular rumor was that he was drinking too much and was too hung over to get to work on time. Lt. Singer was only too eager to clock his comings and goings.
"The signs are all there. Tardiness, absences, and sometimes he looks like hell when he comes in to work. I think he feels responsible for Colonel Mackenzie's breakup. Rumor is that Renee Peterson killed herself because of how Commander Rabb treated her." Singer spun her gossip to several coworkers.
"Lt. Singer! In my office now." The Admiral's voice halted the gossip session.
Singer stood stiffly at attention as the Admiral ranted, "Lt. just what do you think you are doing? Spreading slanderous information about a senior officer could land you in the brig, if I hear anymore talk like that in the office. I will hold you personally responsible and will personally have your Lt. bars. Do I make my self clear?"
"Yes sir." She quickly retreated after being dismissed.
The Admiral sat at his desk debating whether pull Harm into his office and find out what the hell was going on with him. 'He'd been so tight lipped lately.'
*********
Sturgis awoke to the persistent ringing of his phone. "Turner."
"Commander Sturgis Turner, this is Georgetown Medical Center emergency department..."
Sturgis walked into the emergency room and went to the nurse's desk, "I'm Commander Sturgis Turner. You called me concerning Harmon Rabb."
"This way Sir," The nurse led him to a cubicle where Harm was lying on a stretcher with a cloth over his eyes.
The doctor followed into the small room. "We gave him a liter of fluids and some Phenergan and Demerol for the nausea and pain. He doesn't need to drive until the drugs wear off."
"Wait a minute. What happened here."? Sturgis looked at the doctor.
Harm sat up slowly with the assistance of the nurse. "I'm sorry they called you, but they wouldn't let me go unless someone came to get me."
"The commander here has been having problems with migraines." The doctor jotted down a prescription and handed it to Sturgis.
"What is this for?"
"Refill on his Imitrex and another for some Elavil an antidepressant that has shown some effectiveness with vascular headaches. The Commander thinks he can will his headaches away." The doctor scolded.
"Let's get out of here." Harm stood slowly and started out of the room.
"Commander, when are you to see the neurologist at Bethesda?" The doctor added.
"Next week." Harm mumbled and continued down the hall.
"Make sure he goes. This could be classic migraine or maybe post head trauma headache syndrome. Either way he needs to be evaluated." The doctor advised Sturgis who hurried to catch up with Harm.
When they reached Harm's apartment Sturgis finally pressed Harm for information, "Why haven't you said anything? We could have handled some of your caseload."
"I can handle my caseload. Thanks again Sturgis." Harm dismissed him and headed towards his bedroom.
"I'll get a postponement on the Harris hearing tomorrow."
"I'll be there." Harm waved him off and stretched out on his bed falling asleep almost instantly.
Sturgis pulled a blanket over him and turned off his alarm. "I don't think so."
Sturgis reported to the Admiral's office to find Bud, Mac and the Admiral waiting on him. "I understand that you asked for a postponement for the Harris hearing. Would you care to explain? And where is Commander Rabb?" A thread was restraining the Admiral's temper.
"Commander Rabb was ill, so I asked for the postponement Sir." Sturgis explained.
"Commander Rabb has been 'ill' a lot lately." The Admiral paced the room. "Scuttlebutt has it that he has been sleeping off a drinking binge."
Mac responded, "Sir, Harm has been under a lot of stress, I'm sure this is just temporary."
"He hasn't been intoxicated while on duty." Bud added.
"Wait a minute. You all think he is missing work because he has been tying one on?" Sturgis shook his head in disbelief.
"How long has Harm worked with you. Does that sound like him?" Sturgis continued.
The Admiral raised his eyebrows; "Care to fill us in Commander, because Rabb sure hasn't."
"Sir, he was ill. It is not my place to discuss Commander Rabb's personal business, but I think you all have made some incorrect assumptions." Sturgis said dryly.
Harm angrily hurried into the bullpen to be met by Gunny. "Commander the Admiral wants to see you in his office."
"Great, dammit Sturgis. Why did you turn off my alarm?" Harm said under his breath. He tossed his cover and briefcase into his office and headed towards the Admiral's office.
"Enter."
"Reporting as ordered." Harm stood at attention while the Admiral slowly removed his glasses and stared at the officer in front of him.
"At ease, Commander have a seat." The Admiral gestured to the office chair.
"Sir I can explain my tardiness." Harm began to apologize. "I was ill last night. I went to the emergency room and the medication they gave me knocked me out."
The Admiral frowned, "Commander, you've been late or absent several times in the past weeks. Are these related to last night's illness?"
Harm squirmed, "Yes sir, I have had some headaches. Nothing serious."
"Must be pretty severe for you to miss work." The Admiral countered.
"I am handling them." Harm replied.
"Commander, I'm putting you on medical leave until you are properly diagnosed and treated. I will expect documentation from the physicians at Bethesda." The Admiral had stood and walked to his window as he spoke. Hearing no reply, he turned to see his officer struggling to maintain control.
"Harm, I'm doing this for your own good."
"If that's all, may I be dismissed Sir?" Harm answered tightly.
"Yes, I've already distributed your cases. You can leave now."
Harm drew up to attention and practically stormed out of the office, "Well, that went better than I thought it would." The Admiral sighed.
*********
Bethesda
Neurologist Office
"Commander, I have reviewed the CAT scan from last spring with the one done last Tuesday. The good news is that you look like you have healed without any residual damage. The headaches concern me. I see that the Imitrex has not been effective. Have you taken the Elavil?"
"No, I'm not depressed." Harm huffed out his answer.
"Sometimes drugs have indications for use other than the obvious." The doctor sat down. "Have you had any significant stress other than the crash?"
"My girlfriend died a couple of months ago." Harm replied while avoiding the physician's intense gaze.
"I'm sorry, was this sudden?"
"Yes."
"An accident?"
"Not exactly."
"Not exactly?"
"She committed suicide." Harm responded softly not making eye contact with the doctor.
"Dealing with the aftermath of a suicide is very painful. Have you talked with a grief counselor or support group?"
"No, but I'm dealing with it." Harm replied quickly. "You think my headaches are psychosomatic? Trust me they are real!"
"I didn't say that. I believe your headaches are very real. It's hard to say where the physiologic and psychological begins and ends. " The doctor said compassionately. "I've spent years in medical school and residency trying to understand the brain, and I've come up with certain truths. One is that I will never totally understand the human brain. Two is that pain is very real whether physiologic or Psychological. I want you to see a neuropsychiatrist."
Harm shook his head; "I don't want to see a shrink."
"Commander a neuropsychiatrist can take my evaluation a step deeper, Stressors on the brain whether from a head trauma or a psychological trauma causes changes in the neurotransmitters of the brain. He can evaluate that more specifically and hopefully find out the cause of your headaches and find an effective treatment."
"And if I don't, I guess you won't sign off on my medical release."
"I'll have my nurse make you an appointment a soon as possible."
"And there goes my Naval career." Harm murmured.
Meanwhile at JAG headquarters...
"Commander Turner, your reputation apparently is based on fact." Mac stacked papers and slipped them into a file. They had just completed negotiations on a case in the conference room.
"Oh, and just what would that be?" Sturgis grinned.
"That you don't back down from a fight. You are all business." Mac smiled back.
"I can handle a reputation like that." He chuckled.
"Harm thinks highly of you." She added.
"And I of him. We go way back before either even considered JAG as a career. He had his head in the clouds and I had mine..."
"Underwater?" Mac laughed.
"Yes, I still miss the tight quarters, the sound of clanging pipes."
"You don't have to tell me. Harm and I investigated a mishap on the Watertown. I then had the opportunity to go back to the Watertown while Harm was on a Russian sub." Mac reminisced.
"I heard about that. The Russian sub would have sunk herself if you hadn't convinced the Russian commander that the sub was bugged by intelligence." Sturgis clearly enjoyed talking about submarines as much as Harm did Tomcats.
"Harm told me that his Russian friend on board with him at the time couldn't believe that you were trailing them on the Watertown. I believe his friend said, 'Does she follow you everywhere?'" He chuckled.
"Harm never told me that." Mac's voice became soft.
"I guess you two have had quite a few interesting assignments together." Sturgis replied.
"Yes, needless to say neither of us is too keen on investigations of submarines. I think that investigation on the Watertown has a lot to do with that." Mac smile was bittersweet.
"What happened on the Watertown?" Sturgis quizzed.
"The corpsman on board was making people sick so he could save them. Harm called it Munchausen Syndrome by proxy. When Harm confronted the corpsman he attacked Harm and fractured his larynx. Harm had already paged me and when I got there, Harm had been drugged and couldn't tell me what happened. The corpsman then... I would have died if Harm wouldn't have been there." Mac finished telling the story lost in her memories.
"And from what I understand you located Harm when he was lost in the Atlantic after his Tomcat when down last spring. I guess you two have a special bond." Sturgis concluded.
"We did." Mac added.
Sturgis noticed her sadness. "Close personal relationships can be a problem in a work situation."
"And work can be a problem for personal relationships." Mac added.
"So I guess the bottom line is you have to choose what you want a work relationship or a personal one." Sturgis replied.
Mac retreated into her memories again...Harm was leaning back against a rail on the ferry in Sydney. "Location doesn't change who we are."
"Some men would disagree with you."
"I sometimes disagree with me."
"You're only this way with me."
"Only you." He had replied.
"The Navy has rules that we have to abide by. Location doesn't change who we are. We are officers first." Sturgis's comment interrupted Mac's reverie.
"But officers are human beings." Mac replied.
"Like I said you have to make a choice, you can't have both." Sturgis replied and picked up his brief case leaving Mac alone in the conference room.
She had not just asked Harm to move their relationship to a closer level. She had asked him to make a choice between his Navy career and her. "Not yet." His words burned in her memory. "In five years if neither one of us is in a relationship...why did you go to him so fast... why couldn't you wait?"
"Because I felt so alone...because I couldn't have you...because I was being selfish." Mac said to herself. "How come I knew where you were in the middle of the Atlantic, but I didn't know where you were when you stood just inches away from me."
Sturgis poked his head back into the conference room. "How about a burger?"
"A man after my own stomach." Mac grinned. As they walked out of the building Mac asked. "How many years do you and Harm have in the Navy?"
"We will both have our twenty in about two and a half years. Can draw that Navy retirement if we choose. Why?"
"Just wondering." Mac smiled. That would be just about right... 'In five years we go halves on a baby.'
"Do you have any children?" Mac asked.
"No, it is one thing to mentor...that is 9 to 5, but raising children is 24 and 7. How about you?" He replied
"No, but I plan to in a few years." She smiled.
Harm taxied the yellow Steerman down the runway. The last time he flew at night he ended up in the cold Atlantic. The stars glittered brightly and the moon was large and full. The hum of the engine and the cool wind soothed his anger and frustration. This is why he flew. To be above all the things that wore him down. His heartbeat increased as the adrenaline kicked in responding to the dips and rolls of the plane. He felt in control for the first time in weeks. He smiled as he remembered how young Airman Tiree responded to his ride in the tomcat. He made Harm remember why he loved flying so much.
From another part of his mind a little voice spoke, "You are going to loose this too. You shouldn't have flown back to Mac's wedding. You hurt her you hurt Renee. You lived. Renee died. It was all your fault."
Harm rolled the plane over several times as if to shake the thought out of his head and out of his plane. "No" He said aloud to the voice. "You can try to pretend it didn't happen. You can try to cover me up with work, but you will always know the truth. You will loose this too. You won't be a Naval officer anymore. You screwed up!"
Harm pushed the plane to a higher altitude and let it fall in a slow spin. "Just let her fall...just let go...you won't have to feel anymore."
Harm suddenly jerked up on the stick bringing the plane back up to a controlled flying pattern. His head began to throb unmercifully. Scanning the horizon for landmarks to take him back to the airfield he guided the plane towards the landing lights.
He lined the plane up with the lights just ahead. The pain was almost blinding causing his eyes to tear up and blur. The lights began to blend together making his depth perception marginal at best. Concentrating as much as he could he slowly pushed the stick forward making his final descent. The wheels bounced as he landed roughly and finally came to a stop. He leaned back into the seat and closed his eyes. His heart beat wildly.
He finally calmed himself down enough to taxi the plane to the deserted hanger and park it. He eased himself from the plane and walked out of the hanger. He allowed his body to slide down the outside wall and sat on the ground taking slow deep breaths. He pressed his hands against his temples trying to decrease the pain that now consumed him.
With his eyes closed tightly, he could hear another voice, "You felt her despair. She was hurting and had to stop her pain."
"But why did she have to kill herself? If I could have just gotten home a little earlier...if I would have stayed like she asked. Why did she have to kill herself?" Warm tears rolled down his cheeks.
"Why didn't you just let the plane crash just now?" The voice asked.
"Because I couldn't. I couldn't do it to the people I care about." Harm talked back to the inner voice.
"Renee had the same choice as you. She chose to end her life. You didn't. It was her choice. It was not your fault." The voice spoke with a slow certainty.
"You thought about suicide. Would it have been Mac's fault for pushing you away? Would it have been the Admiral's fault for suspending you? Would it have been the air boss's fault for assigning you a mechanically unsound aircraft the night you went down in the Atlantic?" The voice persisted.
"Mac was just dealing with her own pain. The Admiral was just doing his job. And no one realized that my F-14 was going to experience that severe malfunction." The inner voice that Harm recognized as his own answered.
He closed his eyes as the pain eased. "You can't control everything around you. It's time to let it go." He realized as he allowed himself to fall into an exhausted dreamless sleep.
Several weeks later...
Harm strolled into the Admiral's office and handed over the medical clearance. The Admiral removed his glasses and looked at the officer who stood in front of him. "You're looking fit Commander. Welcome back." He smiled and extended his hand.
Harm shook his CO's hand and sat down after the Admiral gestured for him towards the chair.
"Are you ready to get back to work?" the Admiral asked feeling a sense of déjà vu.
"Yes Sir. I think I've had enough vacation time for one year." Harm smiled.
"You've been missed." The Admiral said sincerely. "You came back just in time. There has been a mishap on the Seahawk. I need you and Colonel Mackenzie to leave by 1400 today. The Seahawk currently located off the coast of North Carolina heading for the Caribbean. You up to it?"
"Sure, an all expense paid cruise to the Caribbean. Why not?" He chuckled.
The Admiral snorted, "Hell, I should have assigned myself to that one. Dismissed."
Harm walked across the bullpen almost running into Mac. "Got your sea bag packed?" "I'm a Marine remember. We're always prepared." Mac responded automatically.
"You and I are heading to the Seahawk at 1400." Harm smiled in response. "The Admiral is sending us on a Caribbean cruise." He teased.
Mac smile beamed across her face. "Should I bring my bikini?"
Harm paused, "The Seahawk is supposed to tie up at Rosy Roads in a couple of days. If we finish the investigation, we could spend an afternoon on the beach."
"I would like that." She looked into his eyes and smiled. "It's good to have you back. I missed you."
"It's good to be back. I missed you too." For a moment they stood silently sharing a warm gaze. Harm chuckled a little nervously, "I guess that bikini is standard Marine issue."
"Absolutely, if you like mine? You should see Gunny in his." She added with a little sarcastic humor.
About that time Gunny walked over, "Did you need me Ma'am?"
Harm glanced over at Gunny then back at Mac and rolled his eyes.
Mac covered her mouth to keep from busting out in laughter. "No Gunny, I was just discussing with the Commander the standard Marine uniform."
*********
The two JAG officers stood on the deck looking out across the starlit Caribbean.
"What are you thinking about?" Mac watched her partner's relaxed smiling face.
"Just how good it is to be alive." He answered candidly. "What about you?"
"Oh I was just thinking about those safety nets down there. I'm sure they have saved many a sailor, but they can't protect them against everything that could happen." Mac said rather philosophically.
"Nothing can do that." Harm looked at Mac oddly.
"Yea, if you live your life only where there is a safety net, you'll miss a lot of what life has to offer." She added.
"Yea, sometimes you have to let go and take risks." He added softly.
"Yea, it would make life more exciting."
"More interesting."
"More fulfilling."
"Yea?"
"Yea."
His hand met hers halfway as they leaned against the rail and looked out on the black shimmering ocean.
The end
"I love him, I love him, I love him
And where he goes I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow
I will follow him, follow him no matter where he goes,
There isn't a mountain too high,
There isn't an ocean too deep
