Author: Nancy
Disclaimer: JAG and characters don't belong to me. This is for
entertainment.
Classification: Harm/Mac Romance rated PG
Summary: Mic and Mac's wedding day is rapidly approaching. This is
Harm's thoughts on the events.
Special thanks to Marianne for helping me archive my stories!
My ankle throbs under the stiff white cast that holds it prisoner. I adjust the pillow on my makeshift stool hoping that repositioning will ease my rebelling broken extremity because I decided to return to work earlier than the doctor recommended. But what else do I have to do? Moving it only made it worse, so I guess I'm going to have to give it up and go home to the pain pills that bring along with their merciful relief a drugged sleep that makes me totally incapacitated. Reaching for my crutches I ease my leg off the stool and grit my teeth as the blood drains down my leg and magnifies the throbbing ten fold. I place several folders into my briefcase and then juggle my crutch and the handle of my briefcase. The last thing I want to do is drop the damn thing or bump my cast, either would add to my torment.
"I'll take that for you, Sir." Gunny Galindez appears without my noticing. I think the Admiral assigned him to special duty of helping the lame officer under his command from further injuring himself at work. I laugh as I think about the Admiral and Gunny trying to appear nonchalant about the whole thing.
Bud appears at Gunny's side as soon as he takes the briefcase from me. He must have some sort of secret signal alerting Bud that I am about to move. Bud insists that he drive me home. I can still drive myself, after all it is my left ankle, and I'm not impaired by the effects of any pain medication as my throbbing ankle can testify. He feels guilty, so now I get to listen to him apologize again. I wish I had brought those pills with me. I could drift into that state of blessed 'I don't care' as he repeats his mantra, "Sir, I am really sorry..." Instead my head will begin to compete with my ankle in my unrelenting pain marathon.
Our little parade passes by the bullpen desks as clerks look up sympathetically from their computers. The Admiral pauses at his office door wearing a concerned frown. All the unwanted attention and aggravating pain still doesn't block that tightness I feel as I pass her office. Tomorrow's the day you know. The day she has planned for all of her life. She finally gets to complete her dream, 'A great career, a good man and lots and lots of comfortable shoes'. I may disagree with part of that statement, but it's her dream. She's not in her office. Yesterday was her last day at work before the wedding. My chest feels like it is being squeezed. I unconsciously take a deep breath and accidentally bump my left foot against a cart along the wall. "Damn" slips out before I can catch my self.
Bud looks worriedly at me and asks if I'm all right.
"Lt. if you and the Gunny would give me a little space, then maybe I could get out of there without knocking this stupid cast against anything else." I snap irritably. I immediately feel angry with myself for losing my usual self-control, but I just want to get the hell out of here. Everyone is looking. Bud looks hurt. Gunny pretends to be invisible, and I just pick up my pace and punch the elevator button. These crutches are awkward and uncomfortable. The effort it takes just to travel a few feet seems ridiculous to me. I need to get out of here before I say something else I'll regret. I laugh sarcastically at myself, usually it's what I don't say that I regret. I punch the elevator button two more times. My ankle is giving me holy hell right now.
My two shadows continue to stay with me. What is the old saying? 'Misery loves company.' They look pretty miserable right now. No wonder everyone has been overly attentive, they must think I'm about to jump off a bridge if my demeanor is anything like Bud's and Gunny's. I should have stayed home.
After an uncomfortably quiet ride home, Bud takes my briefcase and holds the door open for me as I enter my apartment. He remains silent not because he is feeling angry or guilty. I think he is just allowing me the space I so desperately need. Bud's a good friend. That tightness returns to my chest. Why am I feeling so...angry? I balance on my crutches and unlock my door. I look around my sanctuary. I hobble on my crutches to my sofa and collapse into its cushions and gingerly place my leg on my pillow-lined coffee table. Beads of sweat have formed on my brow from the effort it took to make the trip. I wipe my head and sigh in release. A bottle of water and a hand with two pills appear before me. I look up to see Bud's worried face again. I hate that look. I'm all right. I wish people would believe me. In a few weeks this cast will be removed, and I will be back to normal... whatever that is.
"Thanks." I take the pills and down them with one long swallow of water. In twenty minutes all of this will be a memory, as I will relinquish to the sedation the medication provides.
I slide down into the sofa so that my head can lean back and close my eyes.
"I'm sorry I snapped at you Bud. I'll be all right once these pills kick in. Thanks again for bringing me home. You need to get back to work."
I expect to hear his footsteps and the door shutting behind him as I keep my eyes shut and slow my breathing in an attempt to help the medication work its magic a little faster. Instead I hear a few steps and then he must have sat down in a chair next to the sofa. "Bud?" I open my eyes to see him sitting quietly.
"I think I need to apologize." He begins.
"Bud this was an accident..." I start my voice sounding a little irritated again.
"Not about that. I don't think I've been a very good friend to you lately." He looks serious.
I feel confused, "What are you talking about?"
"When I agreed to be Mic's best man I think I felt flattered. I think I became all caught up in his excitement and forgot about my other friends." Bud seems truly remorseful, and I'm not sure why. Just because Mic and I aren't bosom buddies doesn't mean other people can't be.
"Bud I still see you as my friend." I say tiredly. I'm really sick of hearing about the wedding and Mic and all the other crap associated with it.
"You have always been there for me. When Mikey was in trouble, during law school, even though you didn't like my Dad, you never put him down. Mic's funny and it's easy to get caught up in his mischief. I guess that's why the Colonel is marrying him. " Bud rambles while I think that I may just jump off that bridge if this conversation doesn't end soon. When are those pills going to kick in?
"You ankle wouldn't be broken if I would have been more careful. Instead I was busy being Mr. Best man." He says in a self- depreciating tone. Now I'm really lost.
****
Two days earlier...
Renee had stayed over and was in the kitchen making coffee before we headed our separate ways to work. She was chattering about some dress that she bought especially to wear to Mac's wedding.
"Harm, I just know you will like it...not too flashy, sort of elegant but understated." She babbles on with a smile.
I was lost in thought about the court case I had later that morning, "What's not flashy?" I reach for a coffee mug.
"You weren't even listening to me. The dress I bought for the wedding. I picked it out with you in mine." She pinches me on the arm as she picks up the coffee pot and pours us each a cup.
"I've planned to go down to Oceania and put some flight time In this weekend. I need the time to maintain my quals." I say absently.
"You're not going to THE wedding? I thought you were friends?" Renee gasps and almost spills her coffee. I didn't know what she was so upset about.
"So? It's a big wedding. I don't think I'll be missed. If you want to go...go." I say incredulously.
"You know what it will look like if you don't go." She barks back angrily.
I was not sure where this was coming from or where it was going.
"No, tell me." I look at my watch impatiently.
"I can't believe you. You know everyone will think you aren't there because..."
She stops and folds her arms and looks away.
"Because what Renee? You think I'm not going because I have this secret undying love for Mac, and I can't face seeing her marry another man? That sounds desperate." My frustration level is beyond the red zone.
Her arms slowly unfold, and she looks sadly at me before speaking, "I guess I'm the one who is desperate. Desperate to hear you say that you love me. That you would like to have something permanent with me, But you aren't going to say the things I want you to no matter what I do...Somewhere in my desperation, I lost myself trying to be what I thought you wanted me to be. That damn dress I bought, for example, I don't even really like it. I bought it because I thought YOU would like it." She laughs sarcastically as tears run down her face. I reach to take her in my arms, but she pulls away. "Don't"
"Renee, I'm sorry. Today just started out on the wrong foot. Why don't I pick you up for lunch? We can go to that Greek place you like so much." I try my best to make up.
"YOU like that place Harm." She spits back and then looks back at me with a soggy half smile. "This relationship isn't working for me anymore. I think we need to end it before I forget who I am." She says softly and reaches up and strokes my cheek.
"Renee?" I wipe a tear from her eye.
"Harm, please don't try to call me. This is hard enough. I'll have my things out of here before you come home today." She pulls away from my hand and turns and walks to the door. She stops at the door before leaving and smiles, "I just wanted to be the prize in your box of crackerjacks."
I remember standing with my cup of coffee in my hand feeling shell- shocked. I was trying with Renee. I just wasn't ready for commitment, not yet. I sat the cup down and gathered my briefcase and cover and left soon after Renee. I think that's when I first felt the tightness of a giant hand squeezing my chest. The trip to work was done on autopilot. It wasn't so much that I hurt because Renee left, but because I failed again. Now I was at work where I could bury myself in what I do best besides failing at relationships. The trial this morning was important. I had worked for weeks burning the midnight oil preparing for this one, so as usual I suck it up and put on my Armour and go to battle. That was the plan anyway.
Life was determined to booby trap me. The first person I almost run into is Mic Brumby. Why is he here this morning? Can't he give Mac a few hours to finish up without hovering over her. How can she stand it? He looks so damned excited like a kid going to a toy store. He says something that I smile and nod at. I wasn't really listening.
He probably said I was a jackass, and I agreed. I escaped into my office and started to organize the files I was taking into court. My door was open and I hear Brumby and Bud laughing and talking about the big bachelor's party Bud is planning. Bud has stayed on the phone for the past week organizing it. I think he may actually be more excited than Brumby. I needed to get Bud's attention to prepare for court after all he is co-counsel with me.
"Lt. Roberts can you come into my office. I need to go over a few things before we have to go." I looked at my watch to give added emphasis to my urgency.
"Just one more minute Sir." Bud nodded at me and continued to talk and laugh with Bugme. I finished reviewing without Bud and ten minutes later I gather everything I needed and started towards the copy room to make one quick copy.
I realized I would be late and rush towards my office. I heard Gunny calling me, and turned my head but continued to hurry towards my office when my foot sailed out from under me as I slipped on something slick on the floor. My hands were full so I was unable to catch myself as my papers flew in every direction. I would like to have said I made a perfect landing.
Gunny, Bud and Mic were at my side immediately trying to assist me at the same time.
My feelings of complete embarrassment, were soon replaced by an unbearable pain in my left ankle. I tried standing only to find that there was no way I could place any weight on that foot. Gunny quickly provided me with a chair while Bud tried to gather my files that were scattered all over the floor. The Admiral and Mac appeared because Tiner had witnessed the whole incident and interrupted their meeting in the Admiral's office.
I tried to persuade everyone that I just turned my ankle, and it would be all right in a few minutes. The Admiral looked around and spotted a brown liquid on the floor, "What idiot spilled coffee and left it on the floor!"
"I'm afraid the coffee was mine." Mic volunteered sheepishly. "I was telling Bud, I mean Lt. Roberts this story and got a little carried away. I'm really sorry about that Mate."
The Admiral stooped down and began to remove my shoe to examine the damage. I gasp, "I wish you wouldn't do that! Sir."
The Admiral frowned and looked at Bud. "Lt. Roberts don't you have a court case this morning?"
"Yes Sir," Bud looked rather sick. "I am assisting the Commander with the Thomas case."
"Well you better get it together, because the Commander is going to the hospital to have his ankle x-rayed." He looked at me like he is issuing an order rather than making a observation.
I started to try to stand again to prove I could handle this and because Bud was not ready for this case. I had tried to get his attention all week, but his mind was elsewhere. My attempt at standing was short lived as a sharp pain and a grating noise coming from the my ankle sent me immediately back to my seat. Keeping my foot down was beginning to really hurt.
Between Tiner and Gunny I managed to get to a car where the Admiral and Mac waited to take me to the emergency room.
**********
"Yeap, it's broken Commander. I'm going to put a cast on it and x-ray it again next week. Hopefully we won't have to do an open reduction internal fixation. You'll have to wear this cast for the next six weeks." The doctor announced. "We'll give you a shot for the pain." That was about all I remember for the rest of the day. Somehow I got back into the car, and the Admiral and Mac assisted me into my apartment. I remember Mac saying that she would call Renee for me. I think I told her we broke up, but I wasn't sure. I know when I woke up in my bed, Mac was still at my apartment.
She brought me some juice and a couple of pills. "Take these, they're for the pain."
"I just woke up." I replied irritably and took the juice.
"You've been moaning for the past half hour." She put the pills in my hand.
"I'll be alright, Mac. You need to get back to work." I swallow the pills and down the rest of the glass of juice.
"The Admiral handled everything." She smiled and looked at me sympathetically. "You know Mic and Bud felt really badly."
I groan as I remembered the whole incident. I was better off without her bringing it up. "I should have been watching where I was going. How did Bud do with the Thomas case?"
"He got a postponement until you are back on your feet ah foot?" She laughed and then looked at me like I was a helpless little kitten.
Nature called and I needed to get up. I carefully swing my legs off the bed and realize I am dressed only in my underwear. I look at Mac trying to remember how I got to this state of undress. She blushed, "The Admiral helped you. I waited in the kitchen."
"You want to wait in the kitchen or go with me to the head?" I smiled, and she got up and headed to the kitchen.
"Are you sure you don't need any help?" She called.
I slowly stand and make my way slowly to the bathroom using my new means of transportation. "Remember I'm qualified for an F14, I can handle crutches."
"They wouldn't allow you to fly under the influence of those pain killers." She retorted. I smile at her comeback. I'm going to miss her even if she isn't going anywhere. But as a married lady I don't see her coming to my apartment anymore. Our relationship will change. The tightness presses again in my chest.
That was two days ago...
Back to present...
The pain pills were obviously not going to give me the escape from my current state of misery. I look at Bud unable to deal with anymore, "Bud don't you have Brumby's party to host?"
His look was somewhere between shock and hurt, but at the moment I needed relief. I don't want to here anything about Mic and Mac in any form or fashion...I was hurting inside, and I needed solitude to put order in my life. I felt that I was loosing control.
He quietly nodded and left. I realized I have hurt his feelings. Harmon Rabb Jr. crashed and burned again. I felt the primal urge to scream. I stood sending sharp painful sensations from my ankle to my brain, but I wanted to hurt. I picked up the bottle of pain pills and took two more. I contemplated taking the whole bottle. Without my crutches I hobbled towards my bedroom and collapsed in my bed. Sleep where were you when I needed to escape...
*********
I woke up and looked at the clock at my bedside. It was 1300. I managed to sleep for over eighteen hours. I guess those little pills were stronger than I thought. I looked around trying to find my crutches and remembered in my fit of self-pity, I left them in the living room. Smart move.
Using whatever I can I to support myself I managed to get to the living room and my crutches. I guess Sarah's walked down the aisle by now. Mic's got the prize from his box of Crackerjacks. I realized that the tightness in my chest was my heart slowly having the life squeezed from it, and it was by my own hand, my own actions or more accurately lack of action. This was a self-induced misery Harmon Rabb. You have only yourself to blame. Somewhere in your screwed up value system you forgot that you were human. You tried too hard to be perfect and ended up making a total disaster of your life.
A soft knocking disturbed my ruminations, I decided not to answer it, but the voice took me by surprise. "Harm, open up, it's me. I need to talk."
Grabbing my crutches I hurry to the door. Well kinda. I think maybe I took too many of those pain pills, Mac stood at the door dressed in a beautiful wedding gown holding a grocery bag. She strolled in past me.
"You look like hell." She appraised my appearance, and she was right.
"What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at a wedding?" I was still shocked.
"Have you eaten?" She changed the subject and began to pull out all sorts of junk food from her bag.
"No." I followed her towards the couch where she sat and spread out her bounty on the coffee table. Snickers, Cheetos, Moon pies, root beer and Crackerjacks.
She popped open a root beer and handed me one. She then opened one of the Crackerjack boxes and begins to crunch on the caramel coated popcorn. "I couldn't do it."
I sat and opened the other box of Crackerjacks. My foot was propped on the table next to the bag of Cheetos. I must have sighed audibly in relief because she stopped crunching and looked at me with a slight smile.
I smiled and poured a handful of Crackerjacks and pop them in my mouth. We sat contently snacking without talking. I pulled the prize out of my box and opened it. A plastic ring with a clear stone fell out of the package. She laughed as I put it halfway on my pinkie. I pulled it off and slipped it on her finger. "I think it fits you better than me."
"This is probably the best kind of ring for me." She said. I started to respond when she pulled out the prize from her box and handed it to me. "You gave me your prize, take mine."
I opened it, "An army man."
"That's not an army man. That's a marine!" She insisted. " And who says it's a man?"
"Okay, it's a girl Jarhead." I conceded and laughed. I then became more serious. "Mac, why didn't you marry Mic?"
She paused thoughtfully while playing with the plastic ring on her finger, "A certain sailor while under the influence of prescribed pain killers asked me to be the prize in his box of Crackerjacks the other day. At the time I didn't understand, but as I stood next to Mic at the alter, I realized Mic was not the prize in my box of Crackerjacks."
I take her chin and turn it so she faces me, and slowly my hand slips along her neck and through her hair to pull her to me. Our lips meet in one of those kisses where a piece of our souls are transplanted into each other.
I must have done something right in my life.
The end
